Jillian Hart - The Horseman

He didn’t bother to grab tack from the barn. He called to the brown-and-white pinto, whistling a command to her. She lifted her head from the manger, pricked her ears and took out in a full gallop toward him. He opened the gate, grabbed her by the tuft of her mane and mounted in one easy glide.

Damn, he was angry. So damn angry he couldn’t remember the last time he had been this mad. The dark hid her trail on the snow, but he knew where she was going. Away. Just away. From him and his love for her.

He pushed the pinto hard as the darkness claimed the land, but he found her anyway. Walking along the road, head down, hands jammed into her skirt. Wrapped in nothing more than a cardigan sweater over her blue calico dress.

She glanced over her shoulder at the sound of the mare’s hooves on the ice-crusted snow. Her jaw dropped, her eyes pinched and she turned toward town and away from him, her head high. But her shoulders sagged.

What kind of game was she playing? It was likely to kill him, that’s what. He urged the pinto to a skidding halt and dropped to his feet. That Katelyn kept walking without acknowledging him drove his fury higher.

He breathed deep, gathered his control and marched right after her. “Going to town?”

She didn’t look at him and kept going. “I didn’t think you would wake up so soon.”

“That’s the explanation I get? I want a better one. A good one.” He kept stride with her. What was she doing? “I married you. I gave you everything I have. Everything I am. And this is what you do to me? Leave me without even saying goodbye?”

It wasn’t what she had expected him to say. Katelyn had anticipated a raging fit. She’d gotten used to her first husband and his temper, but Dillon defied expectation. Fury radiated from him with such force it was a wonder he didn’t melt the snow at his feet. And yet he was calm, solid, steady.

Was he always a good man, no matter what? Always the honorable man he showed her he was, even when he had lost his temper? Shame squeezed like an iron band tightening around her chest. Her decision to leave was the right one. “I thought it was best to leave this way. While I could.”

“What does that mean?” He raked his hand through his hair. He wasn’t wearing his hat.

On closer inspection she realized that his shirt was half-buttoned and his jacket was wide open. He wore no muffle or gloves to protect him from the biting wind, the wind she was too broken inside to feel.

Had he been frantic? She remembered all the times he’d come looking for her, with an edge of panic in his voice, afraid that she would reject him. Did he understand? Was he going to make her say the words that would drive him away from her forever?

“I thought you loved me.”

“I love you more than anything, don’t you see?”

“No, I guess I don’t. All I see is you running off and leaving me because you’re, what, tired of being a horseman’s wife?”

“Not tired. No.” This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to let her go quietly. He wasn’t supposed to charge after her and make her look into his eyes and see his pain. “I’ve hurt you. I can see it.” She laid her hand to his cheek, rough with the day’s stubble, as she’d done before she’d walked away.

If there was any way this could work…she would do anything. Anything.

“Hurt me? You’re killing me. You may as well have shot me straight through the chest. If I’m not good enough for you, then you should have the courage to say it.”

“It’s not you, Dillon. Can’t you see?” She swiped at her eyes and hated the wetness she found on her fingertips. “You’ve made me cry. And I can’t cry. Because if I do, then I’m going to feel how much this is tearing me apart, and if I feel that, then I’m going to feel everything else, too. Like how I love you with everything I am. Everything I will ever be. That walking away from you is killing me, too, and I have to. I have to leave.”

“What are you talking about?” He sounded angry and caring all in the same moment, pulling her close to his chest so he could cradle her to his heart, where she was safe.

So safe. Where she would never belong again.

“Darlin’, why do you have to leave?”

“Because.” She tried to push away from him, but he held her firm. Not cruelly, but gently. As if, even when she was breaking his heart, he kept his vow to take care of her, to never let her go.

She had to tell the truth. “I can’t give you a son.”

He froze, his muscles turning to steel. Here it comes, she thought. Could she survive hearing his rejection? Could she endure it if he didn’t cast her aside?

“My sweet wife, when I married you, I wasn’t looking for a broodmare, some female to breed with.” He cradled her face, holding her so their gazes locked, so she could look into his eyes and down into his soul and feel what he felt for her. “The first time I saw you, I loved you. Just like that. The way the stars shine, just because they do. The way the wind blows, because it has to. I love you and nothing will ever weaken that. Not disappointment, not hardships, not death.”

“But you’ll come to resent it.” Her hands wrapped around his, trying to break away from his grip. “Time will pass and when there’s no son, you’ll start to blame me. Start to love me a little less. And I can’t stand that. I won’t ever be able to have a child, and so it’s better if I leave now. And you can find someone else, and we can spare each other all that heartbreak and sadness-”

“Darlin’, I’m a horseman. I’ve helped with foaling since I was a little boy. I know the way of things, and I figured there was a chance you couldn’t have a child. Why didn’t you come to me with this? Katelyn, I know this is a great sadness to you, but you walking down this road away from me has nothing to do with not being able to have a baby. It has to do with your lack of faith in me.”

She tore away from him, and he let her go, stumbling on the snow to catch her balance.

“Oh, that you’ll sacrifice your happiness for mine, is that it?” Oh, he was angry. He felt cut to the center of his soul, and she’d done this to him. The woman he loved. “I have stood by you. I’ve been patient. I’ve been loving, I’ve shown you over and over the man I am.”

“You’re a good man, Dillon. But trust me, time is going to change things. You want a son, you can’t deny it.”

“I don’t deny it. I’d like a child. But maybe I’m a man with a big enough heart to love you more. When are you going to realize that? I am one-hundred percent committed to you. Now. Forever.”

He’s too good to be true. But he was. He was a flesh-and-blood man strong enough to love her without condition. Without end.

“You can walk out on me, you can take the train far from here but you can’t break this love I have for you. I’m not going to put this marriage aside. I am not going to find another woman to love. It will be you or no one for the rest of my life.”

“But what if-”

“No ifs. I will love you through every trial and every sorrow and every happiness to come. But will you? I can’t make you love me, damn it. I’ve done everything I can, and I’ve been wrong. It comes down to this. You either trust me to love you or you don’t. And looking at you, I think I know what your answer is.” He put his hand to his face, as if he were in the greatest agony.

I’m hurting him. How could that be? Could it be possible that he wanted her that much?

Why couldn’t she believe him? He was right. It wasn’t his failing.

It was hers.

He stood like a warrior of old, after the battle was done. Head down, hands clasped behind him, shoulders straight, legs apart. He was like the night, dark and without hope. A man who had lost everything.