Виктория Холт: The Queen`s Confession

“I shall love him I’ I cried.

“You must not be so impulsive, my child. Think before you speak. One does not love a dancing master. But you should be grateful that you have the finest teacher in Europe and you must follow his instructions That was a happy time. It helped me to stop thinking of poor Caroline in Naples and that other family crisis when Maria Amalia was sent off to Parma to marry Isabella’s brother. She was twenty-three and he was only a boy not much more than fourteen and Maria Amalia had to say goodbye to the Prince Zweibriicken. She was not meek like Caroline; she stormed and raged, and I thought she was going to do what no one had dared do before defy my mother. But she went, because it was good for Austria, and we continued our alliance with Parma, so stormy Maria Amalia had this little boy for a husband while Caroline who was only fifteen had the old man from Naples.

But so much was happening to me that I had only time to think of what was expected of me. My mother was in despair because I could not learn. My actor teachers never forced me to study; and when I spoke French—as I was obliged to all the time—they would smile tenderly and say:

It is charming, charming, Madame Antoinette. Not French, but charming I’ Then we would all laugh together, so the lessons were not unpleasant. But what I enjoyed most were the dancing lessons. Noverre was delighted with me. I could learn the steps easily and he would applaud me almost ecstatically. Sometimes I made a false step and he would stop me and then cry: “No. We will leave it just like that. It is more charming the way you do it.” My teachers were all so kind.

They were constantly paying compliments and never scolding and I thought the French must be the most delightful people in the world.

My complacency did not last. I was closely watched and the Marquis de Durfort, the French Ambassador at our Court, reported everything to Versailles, so it was soon known there that I was being taught by Monsieur Aufresne and Monsieur Sainville. The Dauphine of France to be taught by strolling players! That was unthinkable. Monsieur de Choiseui would see that a suitable tutor was sent without delay. I had my lessons one day and the next my friends were gone. I felt very sad for a while; but I was growing accustomed to having people to whom I had become familiar suddenly whisked away from me.

My mother sent for me and told me that Monsieur de Choiseui was sending me a new tutor. I must forget my old ones and never mention them. I was being greatly honoured because the Bishop of Orleans had found a French tutor for me. He was the Abbe Vermond.

I grimaced. An Abbe was going to be very different from my gay actors.

My mother pretended not to see the grimace and gave me one of those homilies about the importance of learning the language and customs of my new country. I was not looking forward to the arrival of the Abbe Vermond.

I need not have worried, because from the moment I saw him I knew that I could cajole him as I had my governesses; and when I was young I had an insight into character which was astonishing in one of my superficial nature. I do not mean that I could probe deeply into the motives of those about me. If I had been blessed with that quality I might have saved myself a good deal of trouble; but I could see little quirks of behaviour which I could reproduce rather amusingly (I think I could have been a tolerably good actress) and this enabled me to get what I wanted from people. Most of my sisters and brothers were cleverer than I, but they did not know how to lure my mother from a scolding mood to one of affection, as I did. It may have been because of my childishness, my innocence as they called it; and then, of course, my appearance helped. I was small and fairy-like; in fact the French Ambassador, who was constantly commenting on my appearance to his masters at Versailles, referred to me as ‘a dainty morsel. ” But I don’t think it was entirely this. I do believe that I could, in an extremely superficial way, of course, assess those little traits of character which would enable me to know how far I could go in my dealings with a person. So as soon as I saw the Abbe Vermond I was relieved.

He was learned, naturally, so he was going to be appalled by my ignorance; and he was. What could I do? I could speak Italian and French after a fashion with a great many German expressions to help me along; my handwriting was disgraceful; I knew little of history and nothing of French literature, which Monsieur de Choiseui had said was so necessary. I could sing fairly well; I loved music; and I could dance ‘comme un ange,” as Noverre had said. I also had been an Archduchess from my birth and when I was in my mother’s salon I seemed to know instinctively which people I should speak to and to whom I should merely incline my head. This was inherent. It was true that in the privacy of my own apartments I was sometimes too familiar with my servants and if any of them had any young children I liked to play with them, for I adored children, and when Caroline had said that marriage was hateful I did remind her that marriage meant having children and it must be worth a lot of discomfort to have them.

Although I was more friendly with the servants than the rest of my family were, because I had this inherent royal demeanour, they rarely took advantage of it. My mother was aware of it, and I believe she thought it better not to try to change it.

The Abbe Vermond was by no means handsome. He seemed old to me, but now I would say he was middle-aged when be came to Vienna. He had been a librarian and it quickly became clear to me that he was delighted to have been selected for this appointment to teach me. I was beginning to be aware of how important I was becoming. I was being trained to become the Dauphine of France who could very quickly become the Queen and this was one of the most elevated positions any woman in the world could hold. It was very different from being Archduchess of Austria.

Sometimes it was too alarming to be thought of-so in accordance with my usual practice, I did not think of it.

Although the Abbe was astonished by my ignorance, he desperately wanted to please me. The actors and my dancing master had wanted to please me because I was an attractive girl; but the Abbe Vermond wanted to please me because one day I might well be Queen of France. I knew the difference.

It became clear soon that he was quite unaccustomed to living in palaces, and although our Schonbrunn and Hofburg would not compare with Versailles, or the other chateaux and palaces of France, he betrayed quite clearly that it was very grand in his eyes. He had been brought up in a village where his father had been a doctor and his brother an accoucheur; he himself had become a priest and would never have reached his present position but for the patronage of the Archbishop.

Aware of this desire to please not only my mother but me, I was quite content to study with the Abbe. We read together and studied for an hour each day which he said was enough because he knew that was all I could endure without becoming bored and irritated. Much later when I talked about those days with Madame Campan, who by then was more than first lady of the bedchamber and had become a friend, she pointed out the harm Vermond had done. But she disliked him and she thought he had a share of the blame for every thing that happened to us. Instead of reading together in our lighthearted way, and his allowing me to break off and give imitations of various people of the Court of whom some remark would remind me, I should have been given a thorough grounding not only in French literature but in the manners and customs of that land. I should, she said, have been made ready for the Court of which I was to be a part. I should have been made to study throughout the day if necessary (no matter how unpopular that made Monsieur Vermond); I should have been taught something of French history and of the people of France; I should have learned something about the rumbling dissatisfaction which long before I went there was making itself felt.