Tiffany Clare - The Surrender of a Lady

He looked up at Amir, a smile lighting his face and his eyes.

Amir smiled back, but did not come forward. “Let Reema take the boy.”

Her head whipped up in alarm. “No.”

“He’ll be fine,” he said calmly, “it’s only for a few moments.”

It wasn’t as though she had a choice. His fingers snapped and Reema came solemnly into the room, head downcast as she took Jonathan’s hand and walked him from the room.

She hadn’t once been lectured or asked about her time with Rothburn.

She’d seen Amir watching her from time to time, his gaze filled with questions.

Questions she didn’t want to answer. “Are you here to lecture me? I only ask that you do not talk about him .” Her voice was harsh. Amir was right, she wasn’t herself—not since coming back from Rothburn’s.

“I cannot put you on the auction block when you talk like this, Jinan. Do you see the position you’ve put me in?”

“I apologize.” She bowed as if she were the perfect supplicant. In reality, she couldn’t look him in the eye. He read her too well and would know soon enough where her heart belonged. That she did not want to be here anymore. She hated her life here, now.

“Are the other girls very mad?” Her voice was small. She’d been cruel to her sisters, often ignoring them when she went about her daily routines. But she couldn’t face their questioning gazes, either. They wanted to know why Rothburn had stolen her away.

What he was to her.

Rothburn meant too much to her, that was the answer.

Amir could attest to that after hearing her parting words to her lover.

“If you took but a moment to talk to them, you would know. You have all but forgotten them since you’ve been back.”

Her head snapped up in protest. “I have not. I’ve done my duty as I was taught.”

“You know as well as anyone that if your heart is not in it, it is all for nothing. Your fire and your passion are no longer visible. You walk around here, hanging your head in shame, when you should be happy to be back in the home that has cared for and honored you these last five years.”

“I’m sorry, Amir,” she said, crawling to him on hands and knees and kissing his feet. “Please forgive me. I will stop my nonsense. I will talk to Laila at first light.”

He knelt and grasped her arms to pull her to her knees. “Bowing and scraping before me does not prove the strength and truth of your words.”

She didn’t know what else to do. This melancholy was unlike her. Not once had she been this miserable since she’d accepted her fate as a harem girl. Why was it so hard to embrace with an open heart again?

Because she’d left her heart in Rothburn’s hands, whether she wanted to admit it to herself or not.

“Little bird, what am I to do with you?” His thumb brushed under her eye, swiping the one tear that spilled over. A whole flood more came as if his touch were permission to release her hurt. She buried her face in his shirt, her fists clasping the material so he couldn’t let her go.

“Shh, tell me what has you in this state.”

“I do not want to be sold again. Release me, Amir. Release me.” Finally, she said it. “I—I feel—I can’t do it, Amir. Please don’t make me stand up there again. I will do anything. Just—just let me stay in the harem without seeing any of the patrons. Let me keep you company, if I must . anything .” She tightened her hold on his shirt. “Do not sell me again. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t survive it.”

“Shh”—his hand caressed her hair, a soothing reassurance—“you know I will not let you fly from the coop. Your wings are clipped by my decree, remember?”

He tilted her chin up with his knuckle, forcing her to meet his eyes. She felt the dampness of her tears staining the whole of her face. She probably looked a terrible, unfit mess.

She felt like a terrible, unfit mess.

“Amir, what am I going to do? I can’t do this, I just can’t.”

“Don’t you know, little bird?”

“No,” she said, bowing her head. She inhaled deeply of his masculine scent.

Mumbling into his shirt, she said “I know naught anymore.”

“Such sadness from you. Come, we’ll walk in the fresh evening air. It will refresh your constitution, or so the English are wont to say.”

That got a small smile from her. The dried tears on her face made it feel stiff, though. The tears hadn’t been enough to erase the pain she felt with every beat of her heart. She hated herself with every bone-chilling pump of blood through her body. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself at the mercy of Rothburn when she should be thinking of the welfare of her child.

They made their way from her quarters, down the long white hall to the harem garden. The scent of jasmine rushed over her, enclosing her. They walked under a pear tree and onward to the great fountain that lay at the heart of the harem quarters.

Nightingales cried their mating song above, their last cry before day’s end.

Amir did not fill the peaceful hum around them with nonsensical conversation. He knew she wasn’t herself—knew her heart was torn.

“What if I freed you, Jinan?” Quiet condemnation lay in the timbre of those words.

Did he want her to confess her greatest sin? That of falling in love?

“Amir . ”

“Hmm?”

“You are older—perhaps wiser—than I. Have you ever loved?” she asked.

“Such a question from you, Jinan. I’ve loved all my girls.”

Not the answer she wanted. She’d been born and raised to marry one man, to accept the sexual attentions of one man. Had those traits not been bred into her so strongly she might have understood the freedom of Amir’s love.

She pulled him to a stop, wheeled around so she faced him and looked him in the eye, although it was too dark to look upon his bearded face even in the glow of the lanterns. She cupped her hand to his jaw and studied him for as long as he held her gaze.

“Why do you love me?”

He gave her that devilish grin she’d become acquainted with in their first weeks together.

“You doubt me?” he asked with a tilt of his head, moving away from the gentle hold of her hand.

Yes, she doubted he loved her or loved any of the women here. Of course, she could not put voice to those words. She turned away, sliding her hand from his arm, and walked toward the great fountain. Smoothing out the silk wrap tied about her waist, she sat on the edge. Amir made no move to join her so she raised her hand to him, face averted.

“Come, Amir. I won’t ask more questions if you do not wish to answer.”

“I will answer you. I am just surprised that in all my years on this island not one of my girls has ever asked me such a thing.”

“Never? Not even Laila?”

“No. We grew up together and have come to a point of being able to read each other without words.”

“Laila has an effect on all of us here. I did not tell you, but without her I never would have felt welcome. She is a good sister.”

Silence fell between them again. Amir sat at her side, his finger dipped into the pond to attract the koi to the surface. Their golden backs broke the surface, then retreated to the bleak dark bottom.

“Jinan, the only way for you to come out of this state is to stand upon the auction block.”

She gave a heavy sigh and closed her eyes as the axe fell upon her dreams, opening her mind to reality.

“It hasn’t been a year. You always give us time between auctions.”

“This is the only way for you to stop thinking of your Rothburn.”

“It’s not the way, Amir. You need to let me go, whether you believe it or not.”

“I have told you this is not something I’m willing to do.”