Kerrelyn Sparks - Wanted - Undead or Alive

“I’ll let you sign my breast!” Another posed, showing off her most talented assets, barely contained in a tight spandex halter.

“That’s all good.” Freemont used his walking stick to herd them back. “But I will need to thoroughly inspect all writing surfaces before I can allow my client to sign. Security protocol, you understand.”

Phineas snorted as he approached the receptionist’s desk. “Hey, what’s up? It’s Susie, right?”

She blushed, almost as red as the dyed streaks in her black hair. “You remembered. I just love your commercial, Dr. Phang.”

“I’m his agent.” Freemont slid his pinched thumb and forefinger along the brim of his fedora. “You can call me Da Freeze.”

“Nice to meet you. For security reasons, we ask all our visitors to wear name tags.” Susie smiled shyly at Phineas. “Of course, you don’t need a name tag, Dr. Phang. Everyone knows who you are.” She wrote Freemont’s new name on a name tag. “Here you go, Mr. DeVries.”

“No, Da Freeze. The Ice Man.”

“Oh.” A confused look flitted over Susie’s face, then she scribbled another name. “Mr. Theismann.” She passed him the name tag, then scurried toward the double doors behind her.

Frowning at his name tag, Freemont whispered, “Doesn’t she understand English?”

“We really should hurry now.” Susie held open the door. “They were expecting Dr. Phang in makeup five minutes ago.”

After a few minutes in the makeup chair, Phineas was escorted to Recording Studio #3 where he greeted Gordon, the director.

“Hey, Phineas.” Gordon shook hands with him, then gave Freemont and his name tag a curious look.

“I’m Dr. Phang’s agent,” Freemont boasted.

“And my brother,” Phineas added with a grin.

Gordon nodded, his eyes twinkling with excitement. He and Stone Cauffyn were the only ones at DVN who knew what Phineas was really up to tonight. “Stone and Tiffany are ready for you. Good luck.”

As Phineas approached the set, which consisted of three chairs on a carpeted dais, Tiffany jumped to her feet, her breasts jiggling and dangerously close to falling out of the sexy red dress she was wearing.

“Dr. Phang!” With a big grin, she threw her arms around his neck. “Don’t you just love it? We’re famous! I want to kiss you, but I don’t dare mess up my makeup.”

“I understand.”

“I’m getting fan mail, can you believe it? And all the girls want to know if I’ve slept with you. You don’t mind if I say yes, do you?” She pressed closer, rubbing her breasts against him as she slid her hands down his chest. “It wouldn’t have to be a lie, you know.”

“Well, I—” Phineas grabbed her hands to keep them from venturing too far south. How could he put this? He didn’t want to have sex with her just to give her something to talk about with her fans.

“Places!” Gordon shouted. “We go live in three minutes.”

“We’ll talk later,” Phineas told Tiffany, then he took a seat, sandwiched between her and Stone Cauffyn, the newscaster who had just finished doing the Nightly News in Studio #2.

The sound guy clipped tiny microphones onto the guys’ lapels, then struggled to find a place to attach Tiffany’s mike.

She giggled. “Oooh, that tickles!”

“Does my hair look all right?” Stone asked the makeup girl.

“You look perfect,” she replied, then winked at Phineas. “So do you.”

“Two minutes,” Gordon announced.

“Testing, testing,” Stone said, and the sound guy gave him a thumbs-up. “Take a taxi, tally-ho.”

Phineas gave him a questioning look, then realized the newscaster was warming up.

“The voluptuous vampire ventured into the velvet night,” Stone announced in a serious tone. “Peter Potter from Poughkeepsie packs a pretty pickle in his pants.”

Phineas glanced at his brother who was being herded toward the back of the room. Freemont grinned at him and punched the air with his fist.

“Billy Baker bumped into a barmaid and barfed his Blissky on her bosom,” Stone continued, then lowered his voice to a soft whisper. “I hope this works.”

“It will.” Phineas shifted in his chair and unbuttoned his tuxedo jacket. He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. You can do this .

“Ten seconds,” Gordon announced, then held up his hand to show them five seconds, four, three, two, then he pointed his index finger at them.

They were live on the air.

“Good evening.” Stone focused on the camera with the red glowing light. “Tonight, the Digital Vampire Network is proud to bring you the moment you’ve been waiting for—our special bonus feature.”

The red light blinked to a second camera, and Stone shifted his gaze. “As the threat of global Vampire Apocalypse fades into the sunset, the Undead have turned their attention to . . . something completely different. I’m referring to the latest sensation on DVN—not a show, but an advertisement for the most recent addition to Vampire Fusion Cuisine, a mixture of synthetic blood and Chardonnay called Blardonnay, which is, of course, manufactured by one of our sponsors, Romatech Industries.”

Stone motioned to his guests as the camera backed up for a wider shot. “It is my pleasure to introduce the actors from that commercial: Dr. Phang and Tiffany, otherwise known as the Blardonnay Guy and Girl.”

Tiffany giggled and waved at the camera, while Phineas smiled.

“Now that your acting careers have skyrocketed,” Stone continued, “can you tell us how your lives have changed?”

“Oh, I’m so happy now!” Tiffany clasped her hands together. “I’ve always known I was destined to be a star. I mean, when you look like this”—she twisted in her chair to strike a provocative pose—“it’s obvious you belong in front of a camera.”

“Indeed.” Stone’s face remained expressionless as he regarded her. “There is a theory that those who are extremely good-looking could also be considered more attractive.”

Phineas’s mouth twitched. “A bold theory, Stone.”

“Yes, I have been incredibly blessed, but”—Tiffany heaved a forlorn sigh that carried the added bonus of causing her breasts to heave—“unfortunately, beauty such as mine tends to be overwhelming. Some might even call it . . . a curse.” With a sniffle, she wiped away an imaginary tear.

Phineas struggled to keep a straight face as he patted Tiffany’s hand. “Buck up, sweetness. It’ll all be good.”

She leaned to the side to give him a hug, which mashed her breasts together. “You’re so wonderful, Dr. Phang. And I have to say that I’m ever so grateful to DVN for giving me this opportunity to show the vampire world how truly talented I am. Now everyone will know that I have much more to offer than an exquisitely beautiful face.”

Stone’s gaze flitted to her breasts. “Yes, I can tell you are truly gifted.”

“Why, thank you.” She giggled. “I’m just thrilled everyone is taking me seriously now.”

“You can say that again.” Phineas winked at her. As far as he knew, half the men at DVN had already taken Tiffany quite seriously. No way was he getting in line.

“And how about you, Dr. Phang?” Stone asked. “Has your life changed for the better?”

“Yes, it has. I was finally able to quit my old job.”

Stone nodded. “There’s a rumor going around DVN that you’ve agreed to play a role on one of our popular soap operas.”

“It’s not a rumor.” Phineas aimed a dashing grin at the camera. “I’m in contract negotiations to star on As the Vampire Turns .”

Tiffany squealed and latched on to his arm, leaning toward him for another hug. “Oh, Dr. Phang! I’m so happy for you.” She grinned at Stone. “I have good news, too. I was just hired to do a commercial for Vampos, the after-dinner mint that gets rid of blood breath.”