Jamie McGuire - Eden

I would close my eyes, and pretend I was at Brown on the Main Green, lying with Jared while the summer air weaved through the trees. I blocked out the echoing and murmuring inside the tomb, and replaced it with laughing and jovial sounds of flag football on warm days, and the wonderful smells coming wafting from the Gate. Even my dorm room at Andrews was an escape. Mostly, I concentrated on our oak tree, and the loft. I still mourned our first home, but in my mind, it was untouched. Recalling every memory of every place I’d spent with Jared was the only thing that kept me sane at that point. That, and watching Claire and Ryan fall in love. Their sweet conversations, and the way they reveled every moment with each other kept me away from the darkness.

As the first of August came and went, my memories became harder to enjoy. They just mocked me. Us. Our faces had all grew pale, begging to see the sun again. Not even the promise of safety was worth this. Quiet times with Jared were something I had always wanted, but not in this prison. Not in this tomb, where I already felt dead.

A small twinge in my stomach made me hold my breath. It went away, but soon another came, and then another. They were stronger, and the more I hoped they would go away, the quicker and more intense they came.

I tried to breathe, but the air was so stale. When I tried to concentrate on my breathing through the pain, all I could hear was the water dripping. Always dripping. It was maddening. I was in labor, and going to give birth inside a drippy, cold hole in the ground.

“No,” I whispered.

Jared read a book a few feet from the mattress, noticeably waiting for me to tell him I was uncomfortable. I didn’t want to say it. Speaking the words made it real. There would be movement towards the supplies, and the unpacking of all the medical paraphernalia I didn’t want to see.

Before another contraction came, I pushed myself out of bed. “I have to get out of here.”

Jared put down his worn copy of The Catcher in the Rye, and turned to face me. When he saw I was standing, he stood, too. “Nina, you have to lay down.”

“I can’t,” I shook my head. “It’s enough, Jared. I can’t stay here, anymore. We need to find somewhere else.”

“There is nowhere else.”

I bent my knees and awkwardly bent over to pick up a few of my things lying around the bed. “Well, we can’t stay here. I can’t…I can’t have my baby here.”

Jared sighed. “Nina, stop. You’re being irrational.”

“Okay, so I’m irrational. But I’m going to be irrational outside, where I can breathe.”

Jared tried to touch my hand, but I pulled away. “You know you can’t,” he said. “I can, and I’m going.”

Ryan crossed his arms. “Then go.”

“What?” Jared seethed.

“She’s stronger than all of us. If she doesn’t want to stay, we can’t make her.”

“See?” I said to Jared, pointing to Ryan. “He listens to me. You’re not listening!”

“Sweetheart,” Jared said, holding his hands in front of him. “You know what’s waiting up there for us. We’ll be attacked the second we breach the stairs.”

“Just for a minute,” I said, trying to nonchalantly slide by him. I grabbed my stomach and hunched over a bit, trying to casually weather another contraction.

Ryan touched Jared’s arm. “Jared, we got through an entire city of shells. If she wants to breathe some fresh air after nearly sixty days in a cave, I say let her.”

“You don’t have a say, so shut up,” Jared said through his teeth.

“I don’t either?” I said. I hobbled toward the entrance slowly, but Jared matched every step.

“Of course you do,” he said. “Just…just let me think for a minute.”

I closed my eyes tight. They twitched every time the drops of water slid from the rock wall to the ground. “That’s the problem. I can’t think in here. I can’t breathe. I can’t sleep. I feel like I’m dying!”

“Jared,” Ryan began.

“Shut the hell up!”

“Maybe we all need some fresh air,” Bex said.

With wide eyes, both Jared and Claire craned their necks at their little brother.

Jared’s jaws worked under his skin, and he struggled to relax enough to speak to me in a calm voice. “Nina, for all we know the devil is up there. They will stop at nothing now.”

Ryan shrugged. “Sometimes you gotta dance with the devil to get out of Hell.”

The further we got to the entrance, the darker it became. Bex had set up twin-head industrial light stands around the perimeter, so bright that at first, when they were all lit, it felt like day. Now the shadows they cast were just another reminder of our prison.

I moved quickly to the doorway, and Claire grabbed my wrist. “Maybe we should sedate her?”

I yanked my arm back, easily shouldering past her. “You’re not keeping me here against my will! I know I sound crazy! I feel crazy! This place is making me crazy! I don’t want to leave forever. I just…I just want a couple of minutes of sunshine. Just a moment to feel alive again.”

Ryan appeared in front of me, holding up his hands. “Whoa, buddy. You’re getting yourself all worked up,” he said. He spoke through nervous laughter, trying to lighten the mood. “You need to take a minute to think about this. No one is making you stay, but maybe if you think about this a little more, you’ll reconsider.”

Jared looked to me with hope in his eyes.

“I thought you were on my side,” I said.

“I am, Nigh. I’ve always been on your side.”

“No one’s on my side. No one hears me.”

Ryan relaxed a bit. “Just try to clear your head and think about it. You’re not a prisoner here. You’re here to keep the baby safe until it’s born.”

I nodded. “Okay, I’ve thought about it. I can’t stand it anymore. Who wants to have their baby in a tomb? Not me. This was a bad idea. I just need to go. I have to go.”

I made my way to the entrance that led to the stairs, but Jared stood in my way, his fingers digging into my shoulders. “I can’t let you go, sweetheart. If you go upstairs, they’ll kill you.”

“But, we…you…you need to get me out of here, okay? I don’t want to be here any more.”

Jared nodded, his voice low and calm. “I understand. As soon as the baby comes, we’ll leave. I promise.”

I shook my head, the tears cascading down my cheeks. I took a step back. “No. No, I don’t want to have the baby here. I can’t stay here another night. Not another second.”

“That’s a prize-winning freakout, right there,” Kim said without emotion.

Jared grimaced. “You’re not helping, Kim. Listen,” he said, returning his attention to me.

My body shook. I was in control of nothing. Not my body, not where I slept. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone or take a walk. It was too much. Too much.

“You can’t make me stay here. I can leave when I want.”

“You’re right. You can leave when you want, but…I want you to stay. The second you’re aboveground, Nina, you’ll regret your choice. Just…trust me? Please? Just a little bit longer. Can you stay with me a little bit longer?”

Tiny twin rivers dripped from my jaw onto my dirty shirt. I closed my eyes, but all I could hear was the dripping. The damn dripping. It wouldn’t stop.

“No,” I whispered. I ran for the door, and Claire and Jared grabbed my arms. With my full strength, I took one step after another, slowly but surely making my way to the doorway.

Claire grunted against my strength. “Nina, stop!”

Bex joined his siblings, grabbing both of my ankles and wrapping his feet around them. I could have broken free, but I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt any of them, I just needed to be aboveground, to breathe fresh air and feel the sun on my skin. To hear my voice — just one time — without an echo behind it.