J.R. Ward - Lover At Last

Then again, the poor bastard had probably come to the realization that Blay was in fact not a saint.

Blay leaned in closer. “Talk to me. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Fair, after all, was fair. He’d sure as hell unloaded everything on his mind when they’d last seen each other.

“You were right,” Qhuinn said. “I didn’t know…I was…”

When nothing else came, Blay’s ribs tightened up hard, his brows shooting sky-high as the gist hit him. Oh…my God.

As shock went through his whole body, he realized he’d never expected the guy to come around. Even as he’d yelled those hard-core words, it had been more a function of finally snapping, rather than out of any expectation that they would sink in.

Qhuinn shook his head, those hands staying in place. “I just…all those years, all that shit with them…I couldn’t face another strike against me.”

Blay was more than aware of who the “them” was.

“I did a lot of things to make it go away, to cover crap up—because even after they kicked me out, they were still in my head. Even after they died…still in there, you know. Always in there with the…” One hand made a fist and started banging his brain. “Always in there…”

Blay caught that thick wrist and guided the male’s arm down. “It’s okay….”

Qhuinn didn’t look at him. “I didn’t even know I was bending everything. I wasn’t, like, aware of the shit in my mind—” That deep voice caught. “I just didn’t want to give them another reason to hate me, even though they didn’t fucking matter. What the fuck is that, you know? What the fuck have I been thinking?”

The pain that wafted out of Qhuinn’s body was so great, it changed the air temperature around him, lowering things until the hair on Blay’s forearms pricked from the chill.

And at that moment, faced with the abject misery in front of him, Blay wished he could have taken what he’d said back—not because it wasn’t true, but because he wasn’t the one who should have ripped off that Band-Aid. Mary, Rhage’s shellan, should have done it as part of a therapy session or something. Or maybe Qhuinn should have gradually become aware of it.

But not like this…

The devastation that was written in every line of Qhuinn’s body, in the hoarseness of his voice, in the barely restrained scream that seemed to be just under the surface, was terrifying.

“I never knew how much they got to me, especially my father. That male…he contaminated everything about me, and I didn’t even know it was happening. And it ruined…everything.”

Blay frowned, not following that part. But what he was clear on was the juxtaposition between his parents and Qhuinn’s—not that he needed yet another reminder: All he could think of was that hug in front of the stove, his mom and dad wrapping their arms around him, their acceptance openhanded, honest, and without reservation.

And here Qhuinn was going through this alone. In a club. With no one there to support him as he struggled with the legacy of discrimination he had been condemned to…and the identity he couldn’t change, and could no longer, seemingly, ignore.

“It ruined everything .”

Blay put his hand on that bunched-up biceps. “No, nothing’s ruined. Don’t say that. You are where you are, and it’s okay—”

Qhuinn’s head cranked around, leaving its cage of the hand that had remained, his blue and green eyes red rimmed and watery. “I have loved you for years. I have been in love with you for years and years and years…throughout school and training…before transitions and afterward…when you approached me and yes, even now that you’re with Saxton and you hate me. And that… shit …in my fucking head locked me down, locked everything down…and it cost me you.”

As the sound of screeching tires roared between Blay’s ears, and the world started to spin, Qhuinn just kept going. “So you’ll excuse me if I have to disagree with you. It is not okay—it will not ever be okay—and whereas I’m more than willing to live with the fact that I was a walking, talking lie for decades, the idea that it sacrificed what could have been between us…is absolutely, positively not okay to me.”

Blay swallowed hard as Qhuinn went back to staring at the wall of liquor bottles behind the bar.

Opening his mouth, Blay intended to say something, but instead he just ran that monologue through again from start to finish. Jesus Christ…

And then something dawned on him.

If I’m gay, why are you the only male I’ve ever been with.

Suddenly, all of the blood drained out of Blay’s head as he deciphered the truth in the words he’d so grossly misconstrued. That meant…that that night when he’d…

“Oh, God,” he said in a low voice.

“So that’s where I am,” the fighter said gruffly. “You want a drink—”

The words jumped out of his mouth: “I’m not with Saxton anymore.”

Qhuinn wrenched his head around a second time. Surely he couldn’t have heard that…. “What…?”

“I broke up with him, like, two weeks ago.”

Qhuinn felt his lids blink a number of times. “Why…wait, I don’t understand.”

“It wasn’t working. It hadn’t been working for a long time. When he came back that night after having been with someone else? We weren’t together, so he didn’t cheat on me.”

For some insane reason, all Qhuinn could think of was Mike Myers saying, Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?

“But I thought…wait, you two looked really happy. It used to kill me every night to…yeah.”

Blay winced. “I’m sorry I lied.”

“Shiiiiiiit. I nearly killed him.”

“Well, arguably you were being gallant. He knew that.”

Qhuinn frowned and shook his head. “I had no idea you two weren’t…well, I already said that.”

“Qhuinn, I have to ask you something.”

“G’head.” Assuming he could focus at all.

“When you and I were together…that night…and then you said you had never…you know…”

Qhuinn waited for the guy to continue. When he didn’t, he had no idea what Blay was alluding—

Oh, that.

Qhuinn couldn’t believe it, but he felt his cheeks redden and warm. “Yeah, that night.”

“Well, had you never…”

Considering everything he’d just thrown out there, that little ditty seemed like a minor detail. Besides, the truth was the truth. “You are the first and only male I’ve ever been with like that.”

Silence from the other guy. And then, “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry I—”

Qhuinn jumped in, cutting off the unnecessary apology. “I’m not sorry. There is no one I’d rather have had taking my virginity. The first one you always remember.”

Congratulations, Saxton, you lucky fucking cocksucker.

Another long silence. And just as Qhuinn was about to check his watch and suggest they take a break from the awkwardness, Blay spoke up.

“Aren’t you going to ask me why Saxton and I were never going to work?”

Qhuinn rolled his eyes. “I know it wasn’t problems in the bedroom. You’re the best lover I’ve ever been with, and I can’t imagine my cousin felt any differently.”

Fucking cocksucking son of a bitch Saxton.

As he realized the other guy wasn’t saying anything, Qhuinn glanced over. Blay’s blue eyes had an odd light in them.

“What.” Oh, for God’s sake. “Fine. Why wouldn’t it ever work out?”

“Because I was, and I remain, utterly and completely and totally…in love with you.”

Qhuinn’s mouth dropped open. As his ears began to hum, he wondered if he had heard that right. He leaned in closer. “I’m sorry, what did you—”