Cat Patrick: Revived

Except I can’t shake the feeling that the best case isn’t that great. The past few months have been eye-opening for me; knowing what I do now about the program, will it ever really be the same? When I look through the files of those who didn’t respond to Revive, will I dwell on the fact that they weren’t given other lifesaving measures? When I visit Gavin in New York, will I be able to love his parents as much knowing that they took him from his birth mother? When I think of Audrey, will I always feel that I kept something monumental from her?

When I look into Matt’s eyes, will I ever feel like he’s safe?

With no right answer to comfort me, I shiver in my sleep shirt despite it being hot here in Hell, Texas. I get up, rinse my bowl in the sink, and decide to try not to think about Mason’s trip. He’s not even on the plane yet; his meeting’s not until tomorrow. There’s plenty of time to worry about him later.

For now, I choose to focus on Matt.

I check to confirm that he hasn’t responded to my email or text. Then, I dial.

“Hi,” he says, as if he was expecting me.

“Uh, hi,” I say, surprised. I thought my call would go to voice mail; I glance at the clock and realize it’s the beginning of lunch period at school.

We’re both quiet for a minute. I wonder whether he’s thinking of the last time we saw each other, because that’s what I’m thinking about.

“Where are you?” I ask. It’s too quiet in the background.

“In my kitchen,” he says. “Where are you? You haven’t been in school.”

“Texas,” I say.

“ What ? Why?”

“Long story,” I say. “Something’s going on with the program. I don’t want to talk about it right now, okay?”

“Fine with me.”

Pause.

“Matt, I wanted…” I stop talking because I’m not sure what I wanted. Instead, I ask, “Did you get my email?”

“Yes,” he says quietly. “Text, too.” And then, just when I think he’s going to make an excuse for not writing back, he simply says, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Thanks for doing that thing for Aud, too,” Matt says. “The lyrics.”

“I didn’t really mean to start a trend,” I say. “I wanted to give her something.”

“I know,” Matt says. “I know what you mean.”

“I miss her,” I say quietly. He doesn’t reply. His mom says something to him in the background.

“Listen, I’ve got to go,” he says. “Can I call you back?”

“Sure,” I say, my voice blatantly disappointed.

“Okay, I will. Bye.”

Matt hangs up before I have the chance to say goodbye.

I check the time on my phone: Mason’s flight is taking off in a few minutes. At least Cassie will be back from the airport soon to rescue me from loneliness. Then again, having her around doesn’t necessarily feel like company.

Frustrated by the feeling that I’m losing Matt more by the day, I grab a book and jog downstairs. I consider flopping onto the dingy couch in the living room, then turn instead toward the back of the house. Through the picture window, I see a line of trees acting as a fence for the property line. The middle one has a lovely reading spot beneath it. Fresh air calls.

I grab a blanket, bang out the back door, and stomp across the patio and the grass. It’s snowing in other parts of the country and here it’s still seventy degrees out; it’s strange to be in such a season-less place. As I walk farther away from the house, the grass gets more and more overgrown until it’s up to midcalf, just before the tree line. I throw down the blanket and ease to a sitting position, my back against tree bark.

I open my book and try to read, but I’m distracted by everything; the words don’t make sense. After rereading the first page three times, I give up. I set the book down on the blanket next to me, lean my head back, and close my eyes. Right when I’m starting to unwind, my ringtone makes me jump. I pull the phone out of my pocket; my stomach flips when I see that it’s Matt.

“You called back,” I say.

“I said I would,” Matt says softly. “You didn’t think I was going to call?”

“I… no,” I admit.

“I’m sorry,” Matt says. “I’m sorry for not replying or calling. It’s been hard. But I realized after I talked to you earlier that you’re the one person on earth who makes it better.”

I cover my mouth with my fingers and speak through them: “Wow,” I say.

“What?”

“Sorry,” I say, moving my hand back to the blanket. “I said ‘wow.’ I mean… that’s how I feel about you. Like if we could be near each other all the time, it would make it better.”

“I know,” Matt says. “I mean, you have the craziest life of anyone I’ve ever heard of, but you’re the only one who makes me feel calm and sane.”

We listen to each other breathe for a few moments.

“Do you want to talk about Audrey?” I ask.

“Not really,” he says. “My parents are making me go to a counselor. All I do is talk about Audrey.”

“I understand,” I say, wanting to change the subject. “So… are you on your way back to school?”

“Not yet,” Matt says. “I came home to take my mom to an appointment. Her car’s in the shop. After I pick her up I’ll head back. I’ll miss a little of next period, but no biggie. Half of another class after all I’ve missed won’t matter.”

“Yeah,” I say quietly.

There’s a lull in the conversation before he adds: “When my mom calls, I’ll have to go again.”

“Okay, no problem,” I say quickly.

“But I promise to call back,” he says, a hint of playfulness in his voice.

“You’d better.”

Pause.

“So, I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it, but is everything okay with you?” Matt asks. “You guys randomly took off again, and now you’re in… Where are you again?”

“Texas.” I groan. “And yes, I’m fine. Everything’s okay. It’s some heavy stuff, but it’s all going to be sorted out soon. Thanks for asking.”

“Sure,” Matt says. I think I hear a little disappointment in his voice, like he wanted me to open up. Then he moves on. “So, what’s it like in Texas?”

“The lamest,” I say. “At least where we are.”

“I thought Texas was cool?” Matt asks.

“Parts of it, yes,” I say. “But Hayes? Hayes is the opposite of cool.”

“Hot,” Matt jokes. I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand.

“It is definitely hot!” I say with a laugh. “I’m sweating like a pig right now!”

Matt laughs, too, the laugh I love so much it hurts, and for the moment at least, the mood is lifted. We chat about whether pigs really sweat that much and it’s so easy and normal that I blurt out what I really want to say: “I want to be your girlfriend.”

“I want to be your boyfriend,” Matt replies easily, without hesitation.

“What do we do about that?” I ask.

Matt pauses, thinking a moment. “I guess what we just did? I mean, if we want to be together, then we are, even if you’re in Texas.”

“So we’re dating,” I say, trying it on for size.

“Honestly, I think we have been for a while,” Matt says. “At least since that first kiss.” My stomach turns somersaults and I smile a smile that makes my cheeks sore.

“I miss that kiss. And the other ones, too.”

“Me, too.”

“But, Matt?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad we didn’t… you know…”

“I know,” he says. “Not that it wouldn’t be awesome,” he adds quickly. “I’m just glad we didn’t do something so huge on a day that was so bad. The experience would always be a little bit… tainted.”