Jennifer Armentrout - Apollyon

Air left my lungs and my arm started to shake.

We’re in this together, Alex, to the end . Those words weren’t Seth’s, but this was the end. My eyes burned like it was raining acid, but the skies were clear. I was seconds from freedom… but so much, so many memories started flipping through my head.

I couldn’t stop staring at the rose.

Images of the first time I’d seen Aiden while I’d been training with Caleb, then again when he’d come through the wall of fire and saved me—saved my life. Memories of his patience, his support, even his frustration with me.

Seth called to me, but I swatted him away. These memories were important. They meant something—everything—to me, right? There hadn’t been any feelings attached to them before, but now they were soaked in emotion. I focused on them, remembering how he’d cared for me after Gatlinburg, how he’d been there for me when I broke down after Mom… my mom . The first time he’d held me—kissed me. There was never any judgment in Aiden’s eyes, like I was his equal.

I’d always been Aiden’s equal.

My chest rose sharply. The day at the zoo washed over me, and then Valentine’s Day. The love we had shared. It had to mean something.

I couldn’t breathe.

I’d give it all up for you .

Seth called for me again, but I was breaking apart. Shattering. Everything was coming undone. Pieces of who I used to be were repelled by what I’d become. The past and the present couldn’t coexist with the future.

I was torn in two.

Seth yelled now, his voice roaring in my head, and there was no escaping him. He was everywhere, in every cell and thought, pulling at me. But I couldn’t breathe and under me, he was under me, and I couldn’t think straight. There were so many voices again. So many different ones, some were my own… and I couldn’t think .

I focused on the mental shields Seth had taught me. I needed a moment, just a second of silence to think this through, to understand why he wasn’t defending himself and how he could love me.

Seth was furious. Pain sliced through my skull as if someone had taken an ice pick and started slamming it into my head, and I knew he hated this, but I needed time . He screamed for me, but I pictured those walls. They were neon-pink, bedazzled walls, and they went up, stacked higher and higher. I made them thick and full of titanium, topped them off with barbed wire and threw a nice little electrical fence over them, and all of that was backed by the power of the gods. A film of shimmery blue light draped over the walls.

The cord snapped inside me, recoiling like whiplash, and then it was gone.

Except for a low hum, there was silence, and it was just me now, alone with everything I had done.

Tipping my head back, I screamed.

Unlocked from the depths of my soul, it kept coming and coming. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t comprehend what I’d become—the things I had done. And when I stopped, it was only because my throat was raw.

I scrambled off of Aiden, unable to look at him, because I… the things… Body trembling, I crawled over the muddy ground and tucked into a ball against a tree. Pressing my face to my knees, I dragged in breaths, but my chest ached and the pressure kept building.

“Alex?” Aiden called out, his voice hoarse and ragged.

I shied away, wanting him to leave. He needed to leave me, to run away as fast as he could.

Strong hands landed on my shoulders and then slid over my arms, gently wrapping around my wrists. He pried my hands away, and even though I couldn’t bear to look at him, my eyes opened.

It was like seeing Aiden after months of separation. He was clear to me. The curve of his broad cheekbones, the hint of dimples, and the strong line of his jaw—features I’d committed to memory eons ago. Dark waves curled over his naturally tan skin… skin marred by bruises and streaks of crimson. Bruises I’d given him, but he still held that masculine beauty that always undid me.

Aiden shuddered, and then clasped my cheeks. His silver eyes searched mine. They were covered in a fine sheen—like tears, but Aiden never cried. “Alex… oh, gods, Alex, are you here?”

I burst into tears.

Yeah, I wasn’t going to stop crying anytime soon. These were the big, body-shaking, embarrassing kind of sobs. The ones I really couldn’t think or see around—Hell, even breathe around.

Aiden held me through it, his arms a strange and grounding contact. He murmured words in ancient Greek. I picked up agapi mou several times, and the rest made as much sense as the words I tried to speak around the sobs. I knew that I’d be able to understand them now if I weren’t choking on my tears, but I could barely understand English at the moment.

I soaked Aiden’s shirt.

And he still held me against his chest as he leaned against the tree, smoothing back my hair, pressing his cheek against the top of my head. He rocked us. We both needed it, I think.

There were footsteps and voices at some point and I stiffened in his arms. I didn’t know who came, but I felt Aiden shake his head, and then the footsteps retreated.

Gods, I could think—really think—after what felt like forever. But every thought was overshadowed by the pain inside me. The sharp spearing I’d felt in the bathroom—I understood it now. My heart and my soul had been screaming out, trying to reach me. That pain was everywhere now, clamping down on me from all sides.

I couldn’t escape all the things I said and done since I’d Awakened. From the moment I’d connected with Seth, I’d turned into a living, breathing embodiment of my worst fear and I hadn’t even realized it. Seth and what he wanted had consumed me until there had been nothing left, and I’d thought I was stronger than that.

Oh gods, the things I’d said to Aiden horrified and sickened me. The things Seth had said he wanted to do to me—that I’d wanted him to do, back when we’d been connected… Now I wanted to crawl out of my skin, to shower for years, and I didn’t think I’d ever feel the same again even then.

How Aiden could still hold me was beyond my comprehension. I clearly remembered threatening to kill Deacon about twenty times. My behavior had forced him to do the unthinkable—place me on the Elixir. I knew that had to have killed a part of him.

I remembered all the little things. My Seth? Oh, yuck. I wanted to scrub out my brain with detergent. And those things I’d yelled when I fought Aiden—actually fought Aiden? Scrub my brain? Add mouth and soul to that laundry list.

“Shh,” Aiden murmured, smoothing a hand along my back. “It’s okay. Everything is okay, agapi mou . You’re here now and I have you.”

I gripped the collar of his torn shirt with my aching hands. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Aiden. I’m sorry.”

“Stop.” He leaned back, but I followed him, keeping my face pressed to his chest. “Alex.”

I shook my head, my breath catching on another sob.

“Look at me.”

Tears streamed down my face, and he carefully cradled my cheeks, forcing me to look up. I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut, but I also needed to see him, even if it was just his blurry face right now.

“How can you look at me?” I asked. “How can you stand to touch me?”

His brows furrowed and he became very serious. “How could I not, Alex? I don’t blame you for what happened. The things you did and said weren’t you. I know that. I’ve always known that.”

“But it was me.”

“No.” His voice was firm, eyes pure silver. “It was a shell of you, Alex. You were there, in the background, but it wasn’t you. It wasn’t the Alex I love, but you’re here now and that’s all that matters. That’s it. Nothing else does.”