Jessica Sims - Must Love Fangs

I stared at him in surprise. This lump was dumping me ? Really?

“So,” he said, swirling his straw in his glass and making the ice clink against the sides rapidly, “we can skip the small talk. If you’re looking for a one-night stand with a vampire, I’m your man. Right now I’m so thirsty, I’ll drink just about anything that walks through that door.” As if to prove his point, his fangs distended. I watched in horror as they pushed past his parted lips, then retracted again.

Oh, ew .

“But if you’re looking for something long term, I don’t think we’re compatible.”

“I just sat down,” I protested. “How do you know we’re not compatible?”

And why on earth was I arguing with this revolting creature about my attractiveness?

“I’m a visual connoisseur, Minnie,” he said in an utterly serious voice. “And you have a few things working against you. Those eyebrows. Those glasses. And I like women with more assets. You need a bit more donk in your badonkadonk.”

“You think I don’t have enough junk in my trunk ?” I said loudly, causing the sushi chef to look over at us with a frown.

Bert shrugged. “A man can’t help what he likes. Some men like breasts, legs, or necks. I’m more of a bottom aficionado.”

More like a bottom feeder . Ugh. Maybe I wasn’t all that desperate after all.

I tried one last time. “Before I go, can I ask you how you feel about turning your partner?”

He snorted. “As if. I wouldn’t turn you if you paid me.”

“Well, I think I’m done here. Good-bye, Bert.”

• • •

I arrived at the agency a short time later, plunked one Red Bull down on Ryder’s desk, and stomped back to my desk.

“Date went well?” Ryder said in a faux cheerful voice.

“He told me I wasn’t his type,” I said between gritted teeth. “Too much glasses and eyebrows. Not enough badonkadonk.”

“ Reaaaallly .” She popped open the Red Bull and added some to her newest mug of coffee. “You should note on his file that he’s an ass man.”

I snorted. “An ass man who’s an asshole.”

“Har har, very funny. So are you done with this now?” she asked hopefully.

“No,” I said firmly. “Just because the first one was a pig doesn’t mean they all are.”

“Marie, sweetie, if they could catch a woman on their own, they wouldn’t need the agency, would they? All you’re going to find are pigs.”

But I refused to give up. I pulled open the database and immediately began to search for the next victim.

I would find someone to turn me. I would .

All the same, I plucked my eyebrows. Even I could take a hint.

When I came in the next evening, Sara gave me a wave from her desk, where she was perched on the massive thigh of her mate, Ramsey Bjorn, the biggest, scariest man I’d ever seen. It was odd to see them together, but she didn’t seem frightened of him in the slightest. The were-bear held a game controller in his massive hands, and as I walked past, Sara snatched it away. “Let me do it. You’re all thumbs.”

He growled.

She growled back, the rumble low in her throat.

I set my purse on my desk and sat down, avoiding them. Shifters were weird, and I supposed it was a good thing that they were off-limits. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to growl and snarl, and I had an aversion to fleas. Still, the way Ramsey watched her—hungry, possessive, adoring—made me feel a little wistful. Here I was stuck with Bert the vampire who thought I didn’t have enough donk in my badonk.

“Oh good, you’re here,” Ryder said cheerfully, approaching my desk and dumping a stack of folders on it. “Nice brows.”

“Shut up,” I said, mimicking her cheerful voice.

Sara glanced over at me. “I almost forgot to tell you—Bath has a new project she wants us to work on.”

I stifled a groan. When did Bath not have a project? I didn’t have time for this; I was busy trying to find myself a vampire. “Oh goody,” I said. “What kind of project?”

“You and I,” Ryder said, adding another stack of folders to my already towering stack, “are going to call everyone who hasn’t used the service in over a year, and ask them to come back because of the great dating selection we have now.”

I picked up a folder and glanced at it. Not a vampire. Not interested. “So we’re lying to them?”

Across the room, Ramsey snorted.

“Not really a lie,” Sara said, shutting down her computer and tossing the control into the inbox on her desk. “More like fudging the truth to drum up business.”

“I thought business was fine.”

“But why settle for this when we can have even more business? That’s Bath’s new motto.” Sara stood up and grabbed Ramsey’s big hand, dragging him to his feet. “We want to keep things bustling.”

I kind of liked it when things were quiet. “So we’re just supposed to magically find all these female shapeshifters that need a date and somehow convince them that they need to use our service?”

“Something like that.”

The doorbell clanged and in sauntered my nemesis, Joshua Russell. I tossed the folder back down on the stack. “Problem solved,” I said dryly. “We’ll just have everyone date Josh.”

Ryder giggled.

Sexy, irritating Josh winked in my direction and I ignored it, because sometimes I hoped that if I wished hard enough, he’d fall off the planet and disappear. So far, no dice.

“I see my gorgeous Marie is thrilled to see me once again,” he said, going to the chair that Sara and Ramsey had just vacated. He flipped it around and straddled it, his grin making crinkles form around those gorgeous, long-lashed eyes. “Don’t take her hard words to heart. She has a secret spot in her heart for me. I don’t know if you guys noticed, but she always pays special attention when I show up.”

Sara giggled.

I hated that man. “ Ostie de tabarnak . I wish you’d go away.”

“No, you don’t,” he said easily.

“Yes, I really do.”

“Quit speaking all that sexy French at me if you want me to leave.”

“I’m cussing at you, tête de cochon .”

“Oh, I know that one! I think she just called you a pig-head,” Ryder said with a cheeky grin. “She called me one the other day, too.”

He didn’t look discouraged in the slightest. “Dirty French words are Marie’s way of foreplay. That’s how I know she loves me.”

I wanted to bang my head on my keyboard in frustration. “Please. Please just go away.”

“Now, Marie,” he drawled. “If you wanted me to go away, why’d you doll up and look so damn beautiful?”

I flushed. Crap. He’d noticed my makeup for my next date? I had to be more subtle.

I avoided making eye contact with Sara. If she found out what I was doing, she’d tell Bathsheba. If Bathsheba found out I was using the service without permission during working hours, my ass would be out on the street. She might have been okay with it once upon a time, given that she’d used the service to meet Beau, but with the shifter issues going on, human was a dirty word right now. Combine that with the fact that I’d need to date during office hours? It was best that I just didn’t ask at all. I noticed Ryder looked suddenly busy, as well.

“Maybe Marie just wanted to look pretty today,” Sara said lightly. “I don’t think it has anything to do with you, Josh.”

“Don’t be so sure, Sara. It always has to do with me. All the girls want a piece of me,” he said with a grin, clearly joking. When Ramsey cast a black look in his direction, he amended it. “Almost all girls.”