Ann Aguirre: Horde

“I’d like to find out,” she murmured.

While I wished Tegan luck in her quest for knowledge, I preferred killing them. “It was dark … and like he said, most were asleep. I wouldn’t count on them having impaired vision.”

Stalker sat down opposite me, his icy gaze layered. The kiss he’d given me the night before felt like a weight, one I needed to displace before I could be worthy of Fade, who would hate it even more when I told him that I’d kissed Stalker freely in order to get him to promise to run back to Salvation to warn them if Fade and I didn’t make it back.

At this point, however, we had more important things to worry about, so I set those matters aside, as Stalker said, “I’ll take first watch.”

“Second,” I murmured.

The others claimed third and fourth respectively, which would grant us all a decent amount of sleep. Fade handed his timepiece to Stalker to make it easier to tell when the two hours were up; once Fade and Tegan would’ve argued at Stalker guarding the encampment alone, but both of them merely rolled up in their blankets as the sun rose higher. I was tired, so I dropped off immediately, and I dreamed of Salvation burning while Momma Oaks wept, and Silk, the lead Huntress down below, shouted at me that I was a Breeder, not a Huntress. Jolting awake, I rolled out of my blankets onto the sun-warmed grass and lay squinting up at the blue sky threaded with white wisps. Clouds, they were called. Supposedly, this was where rain came from.

Not realizing anyone else was awake, I wondered aloud, “Of all the people in the enclave, why couldn’t I keep Thimble in my head? Or Stone?”

My friends from the enclave might not have kept me from making the long walk, but I had fond memories of them. Thimble used to make us things even before she was officially a Builder, while Stone protected us both. I wished I could dream about them instead of Silk, who had put fear into everyone under her command.

“I don’t know,” Stalker answered. “But I think about this one cub all the time. He followed me everywhere. But he didn’t have the heart to take power. He died young.”

“What was his name?”

“Rule,” he said. “Because he always followed them.”

It sounded like the Wolves’ naming traditions had been similar to ours, though they focused on a personal trait, not a naming gift. Quietly, I said as much, and Stalker nodded.

“The leader christened our cubs. At eight winters, we earned our names.”

“How?” It was odd to think they had traditions other than capturing trespassers and stealing girls from other gangs, but by the way his face tightened, he didn’t want to talk about it, so I added, “Never mind. You should get some rest.”

“Thanks. It was all quiet.” He handed me Fade’s watch as he rolled into his blankets.

I pushed into a cross-legged position and served as sentry while the others slept. As I had done down below, I entertained myself with studying Fade, but the activity had more meaning now that I’d stroked his hair and kissed his mouth. The ache those memories roused in me were fierce as a rainstorm, thunder booming in my heart. With sheer discipline I looked away from the curled crescents of his lashes and the quiet curve of his lips. Those hours passed with only the quiet chatter of birds and the scramble of small creatures in the undergrowth. We had chosen a shaded spot, beneath a stand of trees, where the grass was soft and the light filtered through the foliage overhead to dappled green.

I was sleepy again by the time I woke Fade, but I was still alert enough not to do it by shaking him. Instead, I knelt beside him and whispered, “Your watch.”

He roused instantly, one hand on his knife. “Anything?”

“No trouble so far.”

“Good. Stalker’s right, though. They’re hunting us.”

“I know.”

I had been prey often enough that I recognized the prickling feel of enemies nearby. Unfortunately until the wind shifted just right, it was impossible to know how far away the Freaks were. We had to rest while we could and then press on. Fighting wasn’t our top priority; our mission was to summon help, and I couldn’t contemplate the cost of failure. If necessary, we’d take evasive action and head for Soldier’s Pond even faster.

“I don’t like our chances,” Fade said.

“Of surviving the run or summoning help?”

He shrugged, unwilling to articulate his doubts. Deliberately I moved over beside him. I set my hand beside his in the grass. He knew—he had to know—that if things were different, I’d lace my fingers through his. But he didn’t want that, couldn’t stand that, and I read the awareness of my gesture in his altered posture. Fade straightened his fingers beside mine, and for a few seconds, I felt every blade of grass on my palm as if they were his fingertips.

“I hope I prove of some use,” he said then.

“You’re here. That’s enough.” I hesitated and decided there might not be a better moment—and I couldn’t continue without telling him. So in a quiet rush, I explained what was bothering me about the good-bye kiss I’d given Stalker in the woods and the one he took by surprise the night before, and how those moments conflicted with the promise I’d made Fade regarding exclusive kissing rights. I felt like I’d broken faith with him, but I didn’t regret bringing him back safe.

His expression went flat, his eyes dark as night-kissed water. “I don’t understand why you’re telling me this. You can do whatever you like. I already said, we aren’t…” He trailed off and shrugged, as if I already knew what he meant.

Worse, I did. He was talking about the termination of everything we had been together, but if Fade thought we could just go back to being hunting partners, like we had been down below, before I understood anything about feelings or the way he held my heart in his hands without touching me, then he was purely mistaken. I clenched my teeth against an angry spate of words. Though Tegan had counseled patience, sometimes it was hard.

He went on in a quietly aching tone, “So it doesn’t matter what you did to get me back. By then, it was already too late.”

“It’s not,” I said. “I won’t let it be. But you deserve absolute honesty. What happened with Stalker wasn’t something I asked for, but I’d do anything for you, and that’s a fact.”

“Some things,” he whispered, “you just shouldn’t.”

I didn’t ask if he meant his rescue or the deal with Stalker that involved kissing. I couldn’t resist pushing, just a little. “So it won’t bother you if I find someone else?”

His jaw clenched, and I saw the muscle move before he got it under control. “I thought you said you’d fight for me.”

“And you said it’s too late.” I offered him a faint smile along with his watch. “So it’s a good thing I don’t intend to listen to you.”

The soft sigh puffed out of him in relief before he could stop it. That was all the confirmation I needed. At least in this regard, I couldn’t take Fade’s word at face value. His mouth was saying things his heart didn’t mean, out of pain and darker feelings that would probably cut me in two. At last I followed Tegan’s advice about not pushing him too far, and I shifted back to my bedroll without further conversation. I didn’t turn my back when I drifted off to sleep, either. Let him look at me, if he wants to. In fact, I hoped he did, and that he felt one fraction of what I did. It might bring him back to me sooner. Just as in this desperate quest, I was running blind and hoping that the journey ended with Fade beside me.

When next I woke, the world was a blur of snarls and yellow fangs.