Lauren Miller - Free to Fall

“Not yet,” I told North, sliding my back down the couch and pulling him on top of me. His body tensed up in surprise. I held him tight against me, arching my back to press against him. He framed my face with his forearms and kissed me, gently at first, then deeper. Hands trembling, I fumbled for the button on his jeans.

“Whoa,” North said, pulling away from me. I met his gaze and brought my hands back to the button, tugging it loose. “Rory—” he began.

“We could die tonight,” I said softly.

“We’re not going to—”

I cut him off. “And if we do, I don’t want to regret not having done this.” I slid the zipper down and felt a stirring behind the blue plaid fabric of his boxers. He caught my hand in his and held it.

“Rory,” he said, softer now. “I want this. I want you. So much I can’t even breathe sometimes thinking about it.” He intertwined his fingers with mine. “But not like this. Not because you’re afraid. Fear not, remember?”

“Fear not,” I whispered, tears pooling in my eyes. North leaned down again to kiss me once more, with so much tenderness, it took my breath away. For a moment time seemed to expand and stand still until I could almost believe that the kiss would never end. My chest ached when he finally pulled away.

“To be continued,” he said, sitting back on his heels.

I managed a hint of a smile. North stood and helped me to my feet. “So we’ll meet back here in an hour or so to pack the bike?” I nodded and pressed my lips to his once more before I left. Every kiss felt precious now.

The sun had dropped behind the trees by the time I made it back to campus. The double doors to the dining hall were propped open and the freezing air carried the sounds and smells of the dinner hour. My stomach growled, but I didn’t have time to eat. I had to pack my things and take them to North’s so he could load his bike, then come back to campus to shower and change before going to Liam’s.

I blinked and felt tears behind my eyelids. Campus was most beautiful at dusk, just after the globe-shaped streetlamps turned on but before it was completely dark, when the sky was its deepest and richest shade of blue. Even with everything I knew about the people who’d built this place and the egomaniacs who were now running it, I wasn’t ready to leave. I loved it here. The status, the belonging, the sense that I was destined for something great. It was exactly what Dr. Tarsus had said on the recording. Theden had given me a whole new life. A life I didn’t want to lose.

But then again, in a way I’d already lost it, weeks ago, when I decided to trust the Doubt no matter where it led me.

The courtyard was empty except for a lone figure sitting on the bench closest to Athenian Hall. As I got closer, I realized it was Liam.

“Rory,” he said when he saw me, getting to his feet. “Where have you been?”

“Errands,” I said vaguely. “Downtown. What’s up?”

“Rudd was looking for you.” Liam’s body was tense, like he was nervous.

“Mr. Rudman? Why?”

“He said they’re moving up your initiation.” Liam saw my blank look. “He’s the Divine Third, Rory. The one in the owl mask.”

Rudd was a member of the Few? Not only that, but the third in command. The “Divine Third.” Just the title made my skin crawl. The arrogance.

“And Dean Atwater’s the Divine First?” I’d already decided he had to be the man behind the serpent mask. Liam’s nod just confirmed it.

“He and Rudd and Tarsus are waiting for you in the tomb,” he said, glancing around. But the caution was unnecessary. There wasn’t a soul in sight. Everyone was at dinner. “I was supposed to wait for you here and take you down there.”

“It’s happening now ?” Panic licked at my legs. I’d left the syringe at North’s. It couldn’t be time for initiation. It wasn’t even dark yet.

“That’s what Rudd said.” Liam looked uncomfortable.

“Liam. What?”

“It’s just . . . if they’re initiating you, why didn’t he tell me to bring our robes?”

Fear shot down my spine. They know.

“Shit,” I whispered.

“Rory, what’s going on? What did you do?”

“I found out some things about the society,” I said carefully. I watched for Liam’s reaction. There wasn’t one. “They’re not who you think they are, Liam. They’re—”

His arm shot forward to grab my wrist, hard. “There is no ‘they,’ Rory. Not for me.” I snatched my hand back like I’d been stung. He eyed me, his gaze cold and hard now like the stone walls of the tomb, and all at once I understood. To Liam, the Few were “we,” not “they.” They’d promised him a lifetime of acceptance, the assurance that he would always belong, and that was enough for him. “Look,” Liam said then. “If you want to bail, I won’t come after you. But they’re expecting us in the tomb, and I won’t keep them waiting.” He got to his feet.

For a moment, maybe two, I let myself believe that I might run. To North, to safety, to my future. But my feet stayed planted. I couldn’t run from this. I’d given up that option when I decided to take on the Few. In the distance, the campus bell tower tolled the hour. It was seven o’clock. A full hour before North was expecting me back. He wouldn’t even begin to worry until after eight, and it’d take him another fifteen minutes to get to the cemetery. The realization that I might not see him again made every part of me ache. But if I went back to him now, we’d lose whatever shot we had of getting into that server room. My only option was to try to stall them.

For over an hour.

I can’t do this, the me part of me whimpered. I waited for the voice to tell me I was wrong, but there was only silence.

Liam had turned and was heading toward the woods. “Wait,” I called. “I’m coming with you.”

It was only then, after I had made my choice, that the voice finally spoke.

Fear not, for I am with you.

“I’m not afraid,” I whispered back, and for a moment it was true.

THE SKY WAS NEARLY DARK when we reached the center of the cemetery, the last hint of light fading fast from the horizon. The angel’s arm was already reaching toward the sky. They’d left the coffin open for us. The irony didn’t escape me. They’d summoned me to a grave.

“Why are you doing this?” Liam asked as we stepped inside the mausoleum. How different it looked now, in this moment, with this boy. The marble etchings were menacing, not beautiful, the space claustrophobic, not cozy.

“They’re the Few,” I said. “What good would it do to run?” I then forced a laugh. “And it’s not like they’re gonna kill me because I don’t want in.” In reality, I was pretty sure that was exactly what they were going to do. From the look on Liam’s face, he had his own suspicions about my fate. I could tell he was conflicted about his role in all this. But clearly not conflicted enough to walk away.

“I really liked you, Rory.” Liked. Past tense. As if I’d already ceased to exist. He nodded toward the coffin. “You go first. Wait for me at the bottom.”

“No blindfold?”

He didn’t meet my gaze. “Rudd said not to bother.”

I swallowed hard, realizing it didn’t matter if I knew how to get in if I wasn’t ever coming out.

I held the railing tight as I descended the spiral staircase into the dark room below. Liam was right behind me. He reached under the bottom step and pulled out a short metal rod. It looked like a flashlight, but when he punched the button on its base with his thumb, it ignited into real fire. “The altar room is the third chamber,” Liam said under his breath. “They’ll be in there.”