Tymber Dalton - Out of Bight, Out of Mind

She felt her eyelids already growing heavy as Caph returned to snuggle next to her. Ford, satisfied with spooning Caph from behind, completed their group.

“Okay,” Aaron mumbled, already falling asleep. “Captain’s orders. Everyone sleep late.”

The twins both said, “Aye, aye, Cap.”

Dr. Graymard placed his hands on his desk and looked at Emi. “I cannot guarantee you we will be able to retrieve all your memories.”

“I know.”

She heard his sigh and didn’t know if he was more worried for her, or worried about her men. “Promise you won’t try to hit me this time when you come out of the sim?”

She didn’t understand his quirky smile. She must have looked confused, because a brief wave of sadness replaced his concern. “The very first day when you came in to be evaluated for the program,” he said, “you were put through a sim session to match you with Aaron, Caph, and Ford. When you came out of it, you hit me because when it ended, you thought Aaron was going to his death.”

That tweaked something in the dark, murky recesses of her brain, but it flittered away again before she could hold on to it. She wasn’t sure what the proper response should be. “Oh. Sorry?”

The wave of sadness washing from him didn’t match his smile. “It’s quite all right. I’ll gladly take another punch if it means you do get all your memories back.”

“What do we do next?”

“What I’d like to do is put you through a replay of your initial sim session with your men. Not with them. However, Dr. Stephens has volunteered to go through it with you as an active observer, if you’d like.”

“To hold my hand?”

“You can say no, if you wish.”

Emi thought about it. Looking at pictures and vids of her past with Donna Stephens was another pleasant trigger in her memory, in a different way than her men.

“Okay. Is she here?”

“Dr. Stephens and her men are on their way down from the orbiting space station now. They’ll be here in less than an hour.” He glanced down at his desk. “She’s very concerned about you. They all are.”

Emi had read through the files, both their professional files and Emi’s saved personal correspondence with her. “Dr. Stephens—Donna—and I were very close, weren’t we?”

“You were roommates in college. You went to school together. She joined the DSMC after you left Earth. She is your best friend. Both her and Dr. Vanderlin. Although you both met Dr. Vanderlin at the same time and haven’t known her as long.”

Emi took a deep breath. “Why don’t you want me going through it with my men?”

“You can, but I’d like you to go through it first as just an observer. I think it would be better for you to be able to watch it without the emotions of your men influencing you the first time. They might be overwhelmed watching it. It will play for you and Dr. Stephens like a vid. But the two of you will be able to interact with each other. That she volunteered to do this shows how much she loves you as a friend.”

“Why?”

He smiled and rubbed his jaw. “Because she swore she’d never get into another sim. She also packs an even meaner punch than you do.”

Emi looked up from the handheld she’d been reading when the door opened. A woman looking like the file pics and vids Emi had watched walked in.

When she spotted Emi, she smiled and rushed over to her, enveloping her in a huge hug.

“Emi, oh my gods!” She leaned back to look Emi in the eyes. “Jesus, when Ford told us what happened, I thought I’d never see you again. And then we were the ones who found the pod…” Tears brimmed in her eyes. “Then when Graymard got hold of me when you got to Mars with the Beyants…” She hugged Emi again, sobbing against her shoulder.

Donna’s mix of old grief, relief, and joy threatened to overwhelm Emi. She returned her embrace, unsure what to say and feeling guilty for not having the memories of the deep bond they’d so obviously shared.

Finally, Donna composed herself and put on a smile for Emi. “Hey, I said I’ve been wanting empath training. Graymard said I can use the time here to do it, if I want. Work with the techs who will help you. He said we can stay here as long as I want, or until you’re returned to duty, whichever comes first.”

Graymard hadn’t told her that part, but Emi welcomed Donna’s company. Already, little snippets of things about Donna wanted to tease at Emi’s brain, as if memories lurked on the backside of windows clouded by soot and were knocking for recognition and release.

They grabbed lunch in the DSMC complex’s cafeteria before the afternoon sim session would begin. Emi noticed how Donna couldn’t quit smiling, the last tendrils of her friend’s grief finally working their way out of her system as she came to accept Emi was well and truly alive. “Rob, Sam, and Gregor wanted to know if you all would like to come over to the K-2 for dinner tonight.”

“ K-2 ?”

“Oh, sorry. The Kendall Kant . Our ship.” She smiled. “They docked us right next to the Bight . Sam hit the motor pool ten minutes after they secured and cleared us and headed out for a great organic market in New Phoenix. They’re really looking forward to seeing you guys again.”

Emi didn’t miss Donna’s hope. “It sounds great. I’ll send Aaron a message about it before we go into the sim.”

Donna had something else she wanted to say. She looked down at her tray, reluctance briefly flashing through her before being replaced by determination. “I don’t want you to feel embarrassed or bad by anything you see in the sim, okay? I never told you this before, because I never really thought it mattered, but Rob told me how badly they’d treated you in the initial pairing sim. I made Graymard show me. So please, don’t be embarrassed or anything on my behalf when you go through it. I already saw what happened.”

Another piece clicked home for Emi. “Graymard doesn’t want Aaron, Caph, and Ford getting angry at Rob, Sam, and Gregor.”

Donna touched her finger to her nose. “And there’s something else. After we learned they found you, and about your memory, Rob told me something. He pulled you aside at the Halloween party last year and apologized again in person about what happened. He also told me that, if you want, he’ll go through a sim session with you if you want to recover the memory and otherwise can’t.”

Graymard was far smarter than Emi ever realized. It wasn’t just for moral support and assistance that he’d brought Donna and her men to Earth. He was determined to do his part to make sure current relationships between the crews weren’t ruined by revelations of past incidents that no longer mattered.

Emi nodded. “Okay. Let’s see what happens first and go from there.”

Emi slogged through the process day by day, at times elated at her progress in some areas and frustrated to tears in others. Regaining her memories of life with her men from the moment they first met were easy. Recalling much of her college days, with Donna’s help and guidance, also relatively easy.

Elusive remained some of the memories she treasured most, and yet still couldn’t find a way to access—her childhood, and her parents.

Sure, she had pics, vids, and recorded messages from them she could play. Little teasing particles of memories would emerge as if called out from a children’s hide-and-seek game.

But a large void remained. As painful as she knew it would be, it was one she was most desperate to penetrate and untangle as much as possible.

One day, after a long and frustrating sim session where she made no new progress despite trying all the mental tricks she’d learned and modified to regain other memories, Emi went to bed early.