Kelly Jamieson - Lost and Found

Krissa smiled. “Yes. He’s home. He’s staying with us for a while.”

She told Cam about Nate’s eye problems.

“That’s so awful.” Cam’s brows drew together. “I hope he gets better.”

“Me, too. He’s so talented…I think it would kill him if he couldn’t take pictures.”

Cam sighed. “I have to go back to work in a few weeks. Can you believe that?”

“It seems so soon.” Krissa’s eyes fell to the baby and she watched Cam switch breasts.

“I’m still breastfeeding,” Cam said unnecessarily. “How am I supposed to work full time?”

“It can be done.”

Cam sent her another what-the-hell-do-you-know-about-it look.

“So quit,” Krissa said.

“I can’t quit. I’m the alpha earner.”

“Huh?”

Cam laughed humorlessly. “I make way more money than Eric. We can’t afford for me to quit.”

“Would you? If you could?”

“In a heartbeat.” Cam’s gaze returned to her baby’s face. Emma’s eyelids had drifted shut but still she suckled. Cam blinked. “But that’s not going to happen.”

Cam looked like she was going to cry.

“Sometimes I wonder why I’m even married to Eric. If he can’t support his family.”

Krissa’s mouth fell open. “Uh…Cam? This is the twenty-first century. It’s not up to the men to support us anymore.” She tipped her head. “You know, when you think about it, that’s quite a burden to put onto a guy. Like, back in the fifties, when all moms stayed home with the kids. D’you think the husbands ever felt the pressure? They must have worried about that—losing their job, making the next mortgage payment when the kids were begging for new bikes.”

Cam laughed. “Back in our grandparents’ day.”

“Well, yeah. Seriously. Isn’t it better now that both parents are responsible? Now they share the burden?”

“That’s not always the case. I know lots of moms who stay home with their kids. They don’t seem to mind putting that all onto their husband’s shoulders. I wouldn’t mind, if only Eric made enough for us to live on.”

“I thought his business was doing well.”

Cam’s mouth twisted glumly. “Not so good lately.”

“Oh, no.” Krissa stared at her friend, distressed.

Cam waved a hand. “It’s doing okay. But it means I certainly can’t quit my job.”

“You couldn’t live off what he makes?”

“Uh…no, we couldn’t. We’d have to sell this house and move to…Oxnard.”

“A fate worse than death.” But Krissa smiled. “Would you really let a guy support you? Not have any money of your own?”

“You’ve been a double income couple too long. When you’re married, the money belongs to both of you. It’s not his and yours.”

Krissa shrugged. She didn’t want to argue, but she liked having some financial independence. She couldn’t imagine the thought of asking Derek for money for new shoes. But then again, she didn’t have children, and that probably changed everything.

If she ever had a baby, would she feel differently? She’d always imagined herself as a mother, falling in love with her baby, but she’d also always imagined she would continue to work. Would she be like Cam? Would she fall so desperately in love with her children that she’d give up her career—to stay home with her children? In her case, there was no question of Derek’s ability to support them if she didn’t work. His real estate sales were into seven figures last year.

She wouldn’t even tell that to Cam; that would not make her feel any better right now. Ironically, Krissa was the one who’d assumed she’d continue on with her career. Even though she barely had a career. And yet…she really had no idea how she would feel once she held her baby in her arms.

She ached at the thought that she would never know.

“Don’t have kids, Kris. It’s too hard.”

Krissa looked away. In all this time, she’d never told Cam that she and Derek had been trying. Had never confessed her deepest longing. And now she couldn’t share the agony she felt about Derek’s sterility and his decision to not have kids.

Sometimes she wanted to spill it all and share it with someone, and Cam was her best friend. Other times, she was glad Cam didn’t know, because it seemed so pathetic to want something so badly and have it constantly out of reach. But at this moment, Krissa felt anger. Cam was so goddamn lucky and she didn’t even know it. It pissed her off so much. Rage bubbled inside her.

“You love your kids,” she choked out.

“Yeah. But life was so much easier without them.”

Krissa paused to grab control of her emotions. “Oh, Cam. How can you say things like that? I hope you don’t say that in front of the twins.”

Cam’s eyes widened. “Oh, shit. You’re totally right. I’m going to warp them. They’re going to turn into serial killers because they thought I didn’t want them.”

“Why did you have another baby? If things were so hard.” She tried to soften her voice so it didn’t sound like an accusation.

Cam grimaced. “Why do you think? We didn’t plan it.”

Krissa’s heart squeezed. How many times had she heard this story? It was almost a cliché—it seemed like every pregnant woman she knew had gotten knocked up accidentally. Meanwhile, she’d been trying for years and couldn’t. And now she never would.

The empty ache spread inside her. She’d come here to remove herself from the discomfort of staying home with Nate, only to find herself getting dragged down again into the despair of being childless.

She stood up and went over to where Benjamin and Alexander played. They were being so good. Some child time was what she needed.

“Hey, guys,” she said, dropping to the floor beside them.

“Auntie Kwissie,” Ben said. He jumped onto her lap, almost knocking her over and she laughed and hugged him. “Pway wiff us.”

And she did.

On the drive home, she realized that being with Cam and her children had plunged her back into the pool of longing for a child. She gripped the steering wheel tightly.

She would talk to Derek again. There were many things she didn’t bother arguing with him about. She liked a peaceful life—arguing made her tense and miserable. But this…she couldn’t let something this important drop. She’d find a way to convince him. There must be a way.

She nibbled her bottom lip as she drove, thoughts careening around in her head.

Her first choice would be a sperm donor. Then at least half the baby’s DNA would be hers. Surely to God Derek could love a child that was hers? Suppose she’d had a child before they met. He’d love that child, too, wouldn’t he?

She flicked on her blinker and turned the wheel, pulling into the driveway of their home. She parked, put the car in gear, turned off the ignition, but still sat there, mind churning.

Maybe they just had to find the right donor. She’d already told him they could pick someone who looked just like him. But…what if they had a family member who would do it? Would that be weird? It almost seemed…incestuous. But Derek had no brothers, and no male cousins either. And neither did she.

A friend.

Krissa went very still, lifted her eyes to the house. Her body tightened and she swallowed. What if…she closed her eyes.

Impossible. It was impossible.

But she had to try it. If Derek would even consider it…it was worth a shot.

She tried to clamp down on the excitement lurching inside her as she hurried into the house.

She called out a hello to Nate in his bedroom, then went straight to her office and shut the door. “I need to talk to you,” she said urgently into the phone.

“I’ll be home for dinner,” Derek said. “Be home by six at the latest tonight. I promise.”