Даниэла Стил - Royal

“Be careful. The royal life is a web you’ll never escape.”

“You make it sound ominous,” she said as she sipped the champagne.

“Not ominous, insidious. After a while, nothing compares to it and you get trapped. Like Victoria. I’m sure there are a dozen places she’d rather be. But she’s still here.”

“It’s home to her,” Annie said.

“She’ll wind up an old maid if she’s not careful. Men are afraid of this, and she won’t be young and beautiful forever. She’s already forty-two, and I don’t think any of the men she’s been in love with wanted to take this on.”

“Why not?” Annie looked surprised, as he finished his glass and poured himself another. She wondered if he was a little tipsy, but he didn’t look it.

“Because the queen makes the rules, my dear, for the entire family. And the cabinet. And the prime minister. And the archbishop. And all the rules and traditions that have existed for hundreds of years. You can’t escape that. It’s a prison of sorts, a golden one, but nonetheless the walls are thick and the doors are barred, and they let very few people in. Queen Alexandra is a stickler. It will happen to you too if you’re not careful. You can’t just marry whoever you choose now. They have to approve.”

“Are they still that strict?” Annie looked surprised. These were modern times, and the queen was young.

“They are,” he answered. “You’re far enough down the line, so they may not be as tough on you. But poor George and Albert will have to marry the girls their mother approves of. No go-go dancers for them,” he said, and she laughed.

“Well, they don’t need to worry about me. I don’t want to get married. I just want to be a jockey one day, if they ever relax the rules and let women into the inner sanctum of racing.”

“You can’t wait for that forever.”

“Yes, I can,” she said confidently. “That’s my only goal for the moment.”

“Then God help the racing committee. I get the feeling that you always get what you want.”

“Not always, but I’m willing to wait and be patient.”

“You’ll probably marry and have ten children before that,” he said lightly.

“I hope not. I’m not sure I want any,” Annie responded seriously. “It certainly didn’t work out well for my mother,” she said quietly, and he looked at her gently.

“Are you afraid of that happening to you?” he asked, and she nodded. It was her worst fear, dying in childbirth. He had his own demons.

“That was a long time ago, during the war. She was young, and you probably weren’t born in a hospital,” he said sensibly to reassure her.

“No, I wasn’t, but it still happens even now.”

“Think of Queen Victoria. She was as small as you are, and she had nine children, all at home, and she was fine. I suppose we all have our terrors. I’m afraid of the woman I love leaving me, the way my mother walked out on my father. It nearly broke him. I don’t think he ever recovered. I don’t think he’s loved a woman since.” Although he had dated many, and had a reputation as a ladies’ man.

“It’s odd how the things in our childhood mark us forever,” Annie said. “Once I knew about my mother, I decided I didn’t want children. It seems safer not to try.” And yet she never played it safe on horseback, and had no fears there. But she guarded her heart. And so did Anthony and his father.

“It’s not too late for you to change your mind about having babies. You’re young. It will be fine, if you fall in love with the right man. Finding a woman who won’t fall in love with someone else and leave you is harder,” he said, expressing his own fears.

“Maybe you don’t know the right women,” she said, and he stared into the fire as he thought about it and then looked at her.

“Probably not. The ones that sparkle like diamonds in the snow are always the most dangerous. I don’t trust them, but they’re always so damn tempting. I think my mother was like that. She was the daughter of a marquess, and she was a famous beauty. My father was dazzled by her. But she left him for another man, as you know.”

“Love seems complicated,” Annie said softly, and he nodded.

“It does, doesn’t it? It shouldn’t. It should be so simple between two good, honorable people. The trouble is, so few people are honorable. And the ones who are can be damn boring,” he said and then laughed. “Like your aunt Alexandra. She’s a woman of duty and honor, and a profoundly good person, but I don’t imagine she’s much fun to live with and must be rather dull. Victoria is a great deal more amusing, but I wouldn’t trust her. I suspect she can be very naughty, and even wicked. Her love affairs never last and they’re never with suitable people. She prefers the high-risk ones, but when you do that, you wind up alone like her.” He was in a serious contemplative mood, but Annie suspected that his analyses were correct. “Who knows, maybe your mother would have left your father by now, if they’d survived.”

“I don’t know much about her. No one likes to talk about her. It makes them too sad. She was so young when she died.”

“I can understand that. And one thing I do know,” he said, looking seriously at her, as he slid out of his chair across from her and came to sit on the floor next to the low chair where she was sitting. “I know you’re an honorable woman, Annie, and you’re not boring. I always have fun with you, that’s a rare combination.” She smiled down at him, and always felt comfortable with him.

“Thank you. I have fun with you too, except for the time I nearly killed myself racing with you.”

He winced. “Christ, I thought you were dead. I’ve never been so frightened in my life.”

“Well, I wasn’t,” she said. “I was lucky.”

“We both were.” He leaned forward and the next thing she knew he was kissing her, not violently or passionately, but tenderly, as though he meant it. She was shocked and hadn’t seen it coming.

“What are you doing?” she said in a whisper, and he kissed her again, and this time she kissed him back. She hadn’t expected anything like this from him.

“I’m kissing you.” He answered and smiled at her, and did it one more time. “Every time I see you, something happens to me. You’re everything I want in a woman, Annie. But I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of ruining what we have. Of you leaving me one day. Of the royal rules squeezing the life out of both of us. It terrifies me, but I know I want to be with you one day, and be married to you, and have babies with you, and I won’t let it kill you, I promise.” He sounded frighteningly serious about all of it.

“You don’t know that it wouldn’t kill me,” she said, remembering her mother.

“I don’t want anything bad to ever happen to you. I hate the idea of your being a jockey. You could break your neck and die, a lot easier than in childbirth. What I can never figure out is how we get from here to there. I’ve thought about it. How do we get from where we are now to a grown-up married life with children and dogs and all the good things that go with it?” He looked genuinely worried.

“Maybe we just wait till we’re ready.” He had opened new doors and windows to a vista she had never even considered, but she liked it. He put his arms around her and held her close as the fire crackled and she felt the warmth of him around her and on her lips when he kissed her. She had never felt anything like it for any man, until now.

“I don’t want to wait,” he whispered to her, and then pulled away slightly to look at her, “and this isn’t just a clever plot to get you into bed on Christmas Eve and walk away the next day. I’m in love with you. I knew it the day I nearly killed you when we were racing. I just haven’t figured out what to do about it. And you’re too young to get married, maybe we both are. I still have some growing up to do too, but I don’t want to lose you while we wait. And I sure don’t want to lose you to some stupid horse race.”