Douglas Adams - The Long Dark Tea-Time Of The Soul

"Now let me tell you, this guy has a nice life. A nice life. And I think that's what we all want, isn't it. A nice life. This guy certainly did. And he didn't know how to have it. None of these guys did. They're just kind of helpless in the modern world. It's kind of tough for them and I'm just trying to help out. Let me tell you how nave they are, and I mean nave.

"My wife, Cynthia, you've met her, and let me tell you, she is the best. I tell you, my relationship with Cynthia is so good- "

"I don't want to hear about your relationship with your wife."

"OK. That's fine. That's absolutely fine. I just think maybe it's worth you getting to know a few things. But whatever you want is fine. OK. Cynthia's in advertising. You know that. She is a senior partner in a major agency. Major. They did some big campaign, really big, a few years back in which some actor is playing a god in this commercial. And he's endorsing something, I don't know, a soft drink, you know, tooth rot for kids.

And Odin at this time is just a down and out. He's living on the streets. He simply can't get anything together, because he's just not for this world. All that power, but he doesn't know how to make it work for him here, today. Now here's the crazy part.

"Odin sees this commercial on the television and he thinks to himself, `Hey, I could do that, I'm a god.' He thinks maybe he could get paid for being in a commercial. And you know what that would be. Pays even less than the United States of America cost, you follow me? Think about it. Odin, the chief and fount of all the power of all of the Norse gods, thinks he might be able to get paid for being in a television commercial to sell soft drinks. "And this guy, this god, literally goes out and tries to find someone who'll let him in a TV commercial. Pathetically nave. But also greedy - let's not forget greedy.

"Anyway, he happens to come to Cynthia's attention. She's just a lowly account executive at the time, doesn't pay any attention, thinks he's just a w hacko, but then she gets kind of fascinated by how odd he is, and I get to see him. And you know what? It dawns on us he's for real. The guy is for real. A real actual god with the whole panoply of divine powers. And not only a god, but like, the main one. The one all the others depend on for their power. And he wants to be in a commercial. Let's just say the word again shall we? A commercial.

"The idea was dumbfounding. Didn't the guy know what he had? Didn't he realise what his power could get him?

"Apparently not. I have to tell you, this was the most astounding moment in our lives. A...stoun...ding. Let me tell you, Cynthia and I have always known that we were, well, special people, and that something special would happen to us, and here it was. Something special.

"But look. We're not greedy. We don't want all that power, all that wealth. And I mean, we're looking at the world here. The whole...fucking...world. We could own the world if we wanted to. But who wants to own the world? Think of the trouble. We don't even want huge wealth, all those lawyers accountants to deal with, and let me tell you I'm a layer. OK, so you can hire people to look after your lawyers and accountants for you, but who are those people going to be? Just more lawyers and accountants. And you know, we don't even want the responsibility for it all. It's too much.

"So then I have this idea. It's like you buy a big property, and then you sell on what you don't want. That way you get what you want, and a lot of other people get what they want, only they get it through you, and they feel a little obligated to you, and they remember who they got it through because they sign a piece of paper which says how obligated they feel to you. And money flows back to pay for our Mr Odin's very, very, very expensive private medical care.

"So we don't have much, Mr Gently. One or two modestly nice houses. One or two modestly nice cars. We have a very nice life. Very, very nice indeed. We don't need much because anything we need is always made available to us, it's taken care of. All we demanded, and it was a very reasonable demand in the circumstances, was that we didn't want to know any more about it. We take our modest requirements and we bow out. We want nothing more than absolute peace and absolute quiet, and a nice life because Cynthia's sometimes a little nervous. OK.

"And then what happens this morning? Right on our own doorstep. Pow. It's disgusting. I mean it is really a disgusting little number. And you know how it happened?

"Here's how it happened. It's our friend Mr Rag again, and he's tried to be a clever tricky little voodoo lawyer. It's so pathetic. He has fun trying to waste my time with all his little tricks and games and run-arounds, and then he tries to faze me by presenting me with a bill for his time. That's nothing. It's work creation. All lawyers do it. OK. So I say, I'll take your bill. I'll take it, I don't care what it is. You give me your bill and I'll see it's taken care of. It's OK. So he gives it to me.

"It's only later I see it's got this tricky kind of subtotal thing in it. So what? He's trying to be clever. He's given me a hot potato. Listen, the record business is full of hot potatoes. You just get them taken care of. There are always people happy to take care of things for you when they want to make their way up the ladder. If they're worthy of their place on the ladder, well, they'll get it taken care of in return. You get a hot potato, you pass it on. I passed it on. Listen, there were a lot of people who are very happy to get things taken care of for me. Hey, you know? It was really funny seeing how far and how fast that particular potato got passed on. That told me a lot about who was bright and who was not. But then it lands up in my back garden, and that's a penalty clause job I'm afraid. The Woodshead stuff is a very expensive little number, and I think your clients may have blown it on that particular score. We have the whip hand here. We can just cancel this whole thing. Believe me, I have everything I could possibly want now.

"But listen, Mr Gently. I think you understand my position. We've been pretty frank with each other and I've felt good about that. There are certain sensitivities involved, of course, and I'm also in a position to be able to make a lot of things happen. So perhaps we can come to any one of a number of possible accommodations. Anything you want, Mr Gently, it can be made to happen."

"Just to see you dead, Mr Draycott," said Dirk Gently, "just to see you dead."

"Well fuck you, too."

Dirk Gently turned and left the room and went to tell his new client that he thought they might have a problem.

A tittle while later a dark-blue BMVV pulled quietly nway fran the otherwise deserted forecourt of St Pancras stadon and moved off up the quiet streets.

Somewhat dejected, Dirk Gently put on his hat and left his newly acquired and newly relinquished client who said that he wished to be alone now and maybe turn into a rat or something like some other people he could mention.

He closed the great doors behind him and walked slowly out on to the balcony overlooking the great vaulted hall of gods and heroes, Valhalla. He arrived just as the last few stragglers of the revels were fading away, presumably to emerge at the same moment in the great vaulted train shed of St Pancras station. He stayed staring for a while at the empty hall, in which the bonfires now were just fading embers.

It then took the very slightest flicker of his head for him to perform the same transition himself, and he found himself standing in a gusty and dishevelled corridor of the empty Midland Grand Hotel. Out in the great dark concourse of St Pancras station he saw again the last stragglers from Valhalla shuffling away and out into the cold streets of London to find benches that were designed not to be slept on, and to try to sleep on them.