Eliezer Yudkowsky - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality

“ Wass ssurprisse, ” replied Professor Quirrell, with an overtone of hissing laughter. “ No trickss. ”

Harry folded the Map and threw it back in Professor Quirrell’s direction; some force caught it in midair before it reached the floor, and drew the Map back into Professor Quirrell’s robes.

The Defense Professor spoke. “I should also like to volunteer that Snape was guiding Miss Granger and her underlings toward bullies, and sometimes intervening to protect them.”

“I knew that.”

“Interesting,” said Professor Quirrell. “Did Dumbledore also learn of this? Answer in Parseltongue.” “ Not sso far ass I know, ” hissed Harry.

“Fascinating,” said Professor Quirrell. “You may be interested to know this as well: Potionss-maker had to work in ssecret because hiss plot oppossed sschoolmasster's plot. ”

Harry thought about this, while Professor Quirrell blew on the potion as though to cool it, though the fire still burned under the cauldron; then added a pinch of dirt and a drop of water and a bellflower. “Please explain,” Harry said.

“Has it never occurred to you to wonder why Dumbledore chose Severus Snape as the Head of House Slytherin? To say that it was a cover for his work as Dumbledore’s spy explains nothing. Snape could have been a Potions Master only, and not the Head of Slytherin at all. Snape could have been made Keeper of Grounds and Keys, if he needed to stay within Hogwarts! Why the Head of House Slytherin? Surely it occurred to you that this could not have good effects upon the Slytherins, according to Dumbledore’s moral pretenses?”

The thought hadn’t occurred to Harry in exactly those terms, no… “I wondered something like it. I didn’t put the dilemma in that precise form.”

“And now that you have, is the solution obvious?” “No,” Harry said.

“Disappointing. You have not learned enough cynicism, you have not grasped the flexibility of what moralists call morality. To fathom a plot, look at the consequences and ask if they might be intended. Dumbledore was deliberately sabotaging Slytherin House—don’t give me that look, boy, I am sspeaking truth. During the last Wizarding War, Slytherins filled out my ranks of underlings, and other Slytherins in the Wizengamot supported me. Look at it from Dumbledore’s perspective, and remember that he has no native understanding of Slytherin’s ways. Think of Dumbledore becoming increasingly sad over this Hogwarts House that seems the source of so much ill-doing. And then behold, Dumbledore puts in as Head of Slytherin the person of Snape. Snape! Severus Snape! A man who would teach his House neither cunning nor ambition, a man who would impose lax discipline and make its children weak! A man who would offend students of other Houses, who would ruin Slytherin’s name among them! A man whose surname was unknown in magical Britain and certainly not noble, who went about half in rags! Do you think Dumbledore ignorant of the consequence? When Dumbledore was the one who brought it about, and had motive to bring it about? I expect Dumbledore told himself that more lives would be saved during the next Wizarding War if Voldemort’s future Death Eaters were weakened.” Professor Quirrell dropped into the cauldron a chip of ice, slowly melting as it touched the surface froth. “Continue the process long enough, and no child would want to go to Slytherin. The House would be retired, and if the Hat kept calling the name, it would become a mark of ignominy among children who would afterward be distributed among the other three Houses. From that day on, Hogwarts would have three upstanding Houses of courage and scholarship and industry, with no House of Bad Children added to the mix; just as if the three Founders of Hogwarts had been wise enough in the beginning to refuse Salazar Slytherin their company. That, I expect, was Dumbledore’s intended end-game; a short-term sacrifice for the greater good.” Professor Quirrell smiled sardonically. “And Lucius let it all happen without protest or even, I expect, noticing that anything was going awry. I fear that in my absence my former servants have been quite outmatched in this battle of wits.”

Harry was having a bit of trouble taking this in, but decided, after some thought, that now was not the time to try to work it out. Whether Lord Voldemort believed it was not decisive; Harry would have to evaluate this accusation on his own.

Professor Quirrell’s mention of his servants had reminded Harry of something else that he was… obligated, Harry supposed, to ask. The bad news was predictable. On any other day it would have been horrible. Today it would just wash out in the flood. “Bellatrix Black,” Harry said. “What was the truth about her?”

“She was broken inside before I ever met her,” Professor Quirrell said. He picked up what looked like a white-grey rubber band and held it over the cauldron; as the rubber was held within the steam, it turned black. “Using Legilimency on her was a mistake. But that glimpse showed me how easy it would be to make her fall in love with me, so I did. Ever after she was the most faithful of all my servants, the only one I could almost trust. I had no intention of giving her what she wanted from me; so I commended her to the Lestrange brothers for their use, and the three of them were happy in their own special way.”

“I doubt it,” Harry’s mouth said, mostly on autopilot. “If that were true, Bellatrix wouldn’t have remembered who the Lestrange brothers were, when we found her in Azkaban.”

Professor Quirrell shrugged. “You may be right.”

“What the hell were we actually doing there?”

“Finding out where Bellatrix had put my wand. I had told the Death Eaters of my immortality, in the hope—now proven futile—that they would stay together for at least a few days if I appeared to die. Bellatrix’s instructions were to recover my wand from wherever my body had been slain; and take that wand to a certain graveyard where my spirit would appear before her.”

Harry swallowed. The image came to him of Bellatrix Black waiting, waiting, waiting at the graveyard, in increasing desperation… it was no wonder she hadn’t been thinking strategically when she attacked the Longbottom household. “What did you do with Bellatrix once she was out?”

“ Ssent her to a peaceful place to recover sstrength ,” Professor Quirrell said. A cold smile. “I had a use remaining for her, or rather a certain portion of her, and on my future plans I shall not answer questions.”

Harry breathed deeply, trying to maintain control. “Were there any other secret plots in this school year?”

“Oh, a fair number, but not many more that concern you, not that I can think of offhand. The true reason I demanded to try to teach the Patronus Charm to first-years was to bring a Dementor before your own person, and then I arranged for your wand to fall where the Dementor could continue to drain you through it. Wass no malice in it, only hopess that you would recover ssome of your true memoriess. That was also why I arranged for certain witches to pull you down from the air during your rooftop episode, so I could appear to save your life; just in case any suspicion fell on me during the Dementor incident I had scheduled for shortly after. Alssonomalice there. I arranged some of the attacks on Miss Granger’s group, so that the attacks could be defeated; I do rather dislike bullies. Think that iss all ssecret plotss concerning you from thiss sschool-year, unless I have forgotten ssomething. ”

Life lesson learned, said his Hufflepart. Try to resist the temptation to randomly meddle in other people’s lives. Like, you know, Padma Patil’s life. If you don’t want to end up like this, that is.