Eliezer Yudkowsky - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality

Harry knew that this was too good an offer to make to someone at whom you were pointing a gun.

Unless you desperately needed their help to get the Philosopher’s Stone out of the magic mirror.

And there wasn’t any time left to plan, only the thought that, if Professor Quirrell really was going this far to get his help—what Harry wanted was to demand Professor Quirrell promise not to kill anyone in the future in exchange for his help now, but Harry had a strong sense that Professor Quirrell would reply ‘Don’t be ridiculous’ and there wasn’t time for ordinary conversation Harry had to guess the highest safe request in advance—

Professor Quirrell’s eyes narrowed, his lips parted—

“If I help you,” Harry’s mouth said, “I want your promise that you aren’t planning to turn on me when this is over. I want you to not kill Professor Snape or anyone else in Hogwarts for at least a week. And I want answers, the truth about everything that’s been going on this whole

time, everything you know about my nature.”

The pale blue eyes regarded him dispassionately.

I really think we could have thought of something better to ask for than that, said Harry’s Slytherin side. But I suppose we were legitimately out of time, and whatever we need to do next, answers will help.

Harry wasn’t listening to that voice right now. Cold chills were still going down his spine from hearing the words that had just come out of his lips, addressed to the man with the gun.

“That is your condition for helping me to obtain the Stone?” said Professor Quirrell.

Harry nodded, unable to form words.

“ Agreed, ” hissed Professor Quirrell. “ Helpme, and yousshallhaveansswerss to your quesstions, sso long ass they are about passt eventss, and not my planss for the future. I do not intend to raisse my hand or magic againsst you in future, sso long ass you do not raisse your hand or magic againsst me. Sshall kill none within sschool groundssforaweek, unlesssImusst. Nowpromissethatyouwillnotattempttowarn againsst me or esscape. Promisse to put forth your own besst efforts toward helping me to obtain the Sstone. And your girl-child friend sshall be revived by me, to true life and health; nor sshall me or mine ever sseek to harm her. ” A twisted smile.

“ Promisse, boy, and the bargain will be sstruck. ” “I promise,” whispered Harry.

WHAT? screamed other parts of his mind.

Um, he’s still pointing a gun at us, pointed out Slytherin. We don’t actually have a choice, we’re just getting as much mileage out of this as possible.

You bastard, said Hufflepuff. Do you think this is what Hermione would have wanted? This is Lord Voldemort we’re talking about, do we even know how many people he’s killed, and will kill?

I deny that we are compromising with Lord Voldemort for Hermione’s sake, said Slytherin. Since there is, in fact, a gun and we can’t otherwise stop him.

Also, Mum and Dad would want us to just go along and stay safe.

Professor Quirrell regarded him steadily. “Repeat the full promise in

Parseltongue, boy.”

“ I sshall help you obtain the Sstone… I cannot promisse I will usse my besst efforts, my heart will not be in it, I fear. I intend to try. Sshall not do anything I think will annoy you to no good end. Sshall call no help if I expect them to be killed by you or for hosstagess to die. I'm ssorry, teacher, but it iss besst I can do. ” Harry’s mind was settling, composing itself, as the decision was made. He would stay with Professor Quirrell, go with him to get the Stone, save the student hostages, and… and… and Harry didn’t know, except that he’d go on thinking.

“You actually are sorry about that?” Professor Quirrell looked amused. “I suppose it shall have to do. Then keep two other things in mind: I have plan to sstop even sschoolmasster, if he appearss before uss. And also this: I will occasionally ask you to say in Parseltongue whether you have betrayed me. The bargain is sstruck. ”

After that, Professor Sprout picked up Harry’s wand, and wrapped it in shimmering cloth; then she placed it on the floor, and again pointed her wand at Harry. Only then did Professor Quirrell lower his gun, which seemed to disappear into his hand, and pick up Harry’s wrapped wand, tucking it into his robes.

The True Cloak of Invisibility was removed from the sleeping form of Lesath Lestrange, and Professor Quirrell took the Cloak, as well as Harry’s pouch and Time-Turner.

Then Professor Quirrell cast a mass Obliviation followed by the mass version of the False Memory Charm, the one that just had the subject fill in the blanks using their own suggestibility, on all the students present.

Afterwards Professor Sprout floated away the sleeping children, now wearing an expression that seemed annoyed and preoccupied, as if they’d been in some Herbology accident.

Professor Quirrell then turned back to where the Potions Master lay sprawled, bent over and placed his wand on Professor Snape’s forehead. “ Alienis nervus mobile lignum. ”

The Defense Professor stepped back, and began to move his left fingers in the air as though manipulating a puppet on strings.

Professor Snape pushed himself up from the ground by smooth motions, and stood once more before the corridor door.

“ Alohomora, ” Professor Quirrell said, pointing his wand at the forbidden door. The Defense Professor looked rather amused. “Would you do the honors, boy?”

Harry swallowed. He was once again having second thoughts, and third thoughts.

It was strange how you could do something even while knowing it was the wrong thing, not the selfish thing but the wrong thing to do on some deeper level.

But the man behind him was holding the gun; it had once more appeared in his hand at Harry’s hesitation.

Harry laid his hand on the door-knocker, and took several deep breaths, again composing his mind as best he could. Go through with it, don’t get shot, don’t let the hostages die, be there to optimize events, be there to watch for opportunities and stay capable of taking them. It wasn’t a good choice, but all the other ones seemed worse.

Harry pushed open the forbidden door, and stepped through.

After a single step into Dumbledore’s forbidden chamber, Harry shrieked and jumped back and collided with Professor Snape, sending the two of them down in a heap.

Professor Snape picked himself up and resumed standing in front of the door. His head tracked to look at Harry. “I am guarding this door at the Headmaster’s orders,” said Professor Snape in his usual sardonic tones. “Be off with you at once, or I shall deduct House Points.”

This was bone-chillingly creepy, but Harry’s attention was occupied by the gigantic three-headed dog which had lunged forward, only to be stopped meters from Harry by the chains upon its three collars.

“That—that—that—” Harry said.

“Yes,” Professor Quirrell said from a ways behind him, “that is indeed the usual occupant of that chamber, which is off-limits to all students, especially first-years.”

“ That’s not safe even by wizard standards! ” Within the chamber, the enormous black beast gave a multi-voiced bellow, flecks of white saliva flying from three fanged mouths.

Professor Quirrell sighed. “It is enchanted not to eat students, just spit them back out through the door. Now, boy, how would you recommend that we deal with this dangerous creature?”

“Uh,” Harry stuttered, trying to think over the continued roaring of the chamber’s guardian. “Uh. If it’s like the Cerberus from the Muggle legend of Orpheus and Eurydice, then we have to sing it to sleep so we can pass—”