Eliezer Yudkowsky - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality

Anywhere but Ravenclaw anywhere but Ravenclaw oh please anywhere but Ravenclaw...

But no sooner the brim of the ancient felted device slipped over his forehead -

"RAVENCLAW!"

As the table decked in blue began to applaud him, as he approached the dread table where he would spend the next seven years, Kvothe was already wincing inside, waiting for the inevitable; and the inevitable happened almost at once, exactly as he had feared it, before he'd even had a chance to sit down properly.

"So!" an older boy said with the happy expression of someone who's thought of something terribly clever. "Kvothe the Raven, huh?"

I have a truly marvelous story for this crossover which this margin is too narrow to contain.

(Note: Written after I heard Alicorn was writing a Twilight fanfic, but before I read Luminosity. It's obvious if you're one of us.)

"Edward," said Isabella tenderly. She reached up a hand and stroked his cold, sparkling cheek. "You don't have to protect me from anything. I've listed out all the upsides and all the downsides, assigned them consistent relative weights, and it's just really obvious that the benefits of becoming a vampire outweigh the drawbacks."

"Bella," Edward said, and swallowed desperately. "Bella -"

"Immortality. Perfect health. Awakening psychic powers. Easy enough to survive on animal blood once you do it. Even the beauty, Edward, there are people who would give their lives to be pretty, and don't you dare call them shallow until you've tried being ugly. Do you think I'm scared of the word 'vampire'? I'm tired of your arbitrary deontological constraints, Edward. The whole human species ought to be in on your fun, and people are dying by the thousands even as you hesitate."

The gun in his lover's hand was cold against his forehead. It wouldn't kill him, but it would disable him for long enough -

JASMINE AND THE LAMP

Aladdin's face was wistful, but determined, as the newly minted street urchin addressed the blue being of cosmic power for one last time, prepared to leave behind the wealth and hope he had so briefly tasted for the sake of his friend. "Genie, I make my third wish. I wish for you to be -"

Princess Jasmine, who had been staring at this with her mouth open, not quite believing what she was seeing, just barely managed to overcome her paralysis and yank the lamp out of the boy's hand before he could finish the fatal sentence.

"Excuse me," said Jasmine. "Aladdin, my darling, you're cute but you're an idiot, do you know that? Did you not notice how once Jafar got his hands on this lamp, he got his own three wishes - oh, never mind. Genie, I wish for everyone to always be young and healthy, I wish nobody ever had to die if they didn't want to, and I wish for everyone's intelligence to gradually increase at a rate of 1 IQ point per year." She tossed the lamp back to Aladdin. "Go back to what you were doing."

RATIONALIST HAMLET

( contributed by Histocraton LiveJournal, post 13389, aka HonoreDBon LessWrong)

(reposted with permission)

HAMLET

Interloper, abandon this strange prank,

which makes cruel use of the blindness of my grief,

and the good heart of my good friend Horatio.

Or else, if thou hast true title to this belov'd form,

tell me:

What drawing did I present to Hamlet King,

when six years old and scarce out of my sling?

Ghost

'twas a unicorn clad all in mail.

HAMLET

What.

Ghost

Mark me.

HAMLET

Father, I will.

Ghost

My hour is almost come,

When I to sulphurous and tormenting flames

Must render up myself.

HAMLET

Thou art in torment?

Ghost

Ay, as are all who die unshriven.

HAMLET

Like every Dane this is what I've been taught.

Yet I did figure such caprice ill-suited to almighty God.

For all who suffer unlook'd for deaths, unattended by God's chosen priests,

to be then punish'd for the ill-ordering of the world...

Ghost

'twas not the world that killed me, nor accident of any kind.

HAMLET

What?

Ghost

If thou didst ever thy dear father love,

Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.

HAMLET

Oh God.

Ghost

My time grows ever shorter. Wilt thou hear the tale?

HAMLET

No.

Ghost

What?

HAMLET

My love for you does call me to avenge your death,

but greater crimes have I heard told this night.

If all those murdered go to Hell, and others as well,

who would have confess'd had they the time,

If people who are, in balance, good, suffer grisly

at the hands of God, then I defy God's plan.

Good Ghost, as one who dwells beyond the veil,

you know things that we mortals scarce conceive.

Tell me: is there some philter or device,

outside nature's ken but not outside her means,

by which death itself may be escap'd?

Ghost

You seek to evade Hell?

HAMLET

I seek to deny Hell to everyone!

and Heaven too, for I suspect the Heaven of our mad God

might be a paltry thing, next to the Heaven I will make of Earth,

when I am its immortal king.

Ghost

I care not for these things.

Death and hell have stripp'd away all of my desires,

save for revenge upon my murderer.

HAMLET

Thou shalt not be avenged, save that thou swear:

an I slay thine killer, so wilt thou vouchsafe to me the means

by which I might slay death.

He who killed you will join you in the Pit,

and then that's it. No further swelling of Hell's ranks will I permit.

Ghost

Done. When my brother is slain, he who poured the poison in my ear,

then will I pour in yours the precious truth:

the making of the Philosopher's Stone. With this Stone, thou may'st procure

a philter to render any man immune to death, and more transmute

base metal to gold, to fund the provision of this philter to all mankind.

HAMLET

Truly there is nothing beyond the dreaming of philosophy.

Wait.

The man whom I must kill-my uncle the king?

Ghost

Ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast,

With witchcraft of his wit, with traitorous gifts-

HAMLET

Indeed, he has such gifts I near despair,

of killing him and yet succeeding to his throne.

'twill be an awesome fight for awesome stakes.

Hast thou advice?

A cock crows. Exit Ghost.

(HonoreDB has now extended this to a complete ebook)

(entitled "A Will Most Incorrect to Heaven: The Tragedy of Prince Hamlet and the Philosopher's Stone")

(available for $3 at makefoil dot com)

(yes, really)

MOBY DICK AND THE METHODS OF RATIONALITY

(as related by Eneaszon LessWrong)

"Revenge?" said the peg-legged man. "On a whale? No, I decided I'd just get on with my life."

ALICE IN THE LAND WHERE THINGS ARE EVEN CRAZIER THAN HERE

(as first written by braindollin a review of this chapter, with some further edits)

Alice was sitting by her sister on the bank, reading a book. She had several friends who were older, and if she just asked nicely, they were often happy to lend her books without quite so many pictures and conversations as was thought appropriate for a girl her age.

Hot days often made her feel sleepy and stupid, so Alice had thoughtfully wet a handkerchief and placed it at the back of her neck. Still her mind had gone off wandering (just as if it was some little kitten whose owner had taken off her eyes for just a moment), and she had just decided that the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth around 4/3 of the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, which was nonetheless not equal to the opportunity cost of putting down her book, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her.