Дэвид Нордли - How Beer Saved the World

“It has been proclaimed,” Fate said, though his voice was more a reverberation in the eddies of eternity than mere words.

The First Engineer shrugged eloquently. Their delusions weren’t his problem. “I do like the part about dangly bits, though. It makes them modular, redundant, and their genetic algorithms accept inputs from multiple vectors.”

Still thinking himself unseen, Mr. Mojo grinned. At least someone appreciated his brilliant idea.

“It should have already been done,” Fate not-quite-said, showing no sign that he considered impossibility a valid excuse.

“You’re serious?” When Fate nodded the First Engineer rolled his eyes. “Marketing. Always promising more than we can deliver. If I put all that in, all of creation would unravel. Explosively.”

No one says “So be it” quite like Fate, and while he had a half-earned reputation for causing more problems than he solved, Mr. Mojo was actually quite responsible at heart and couldn’t let the universe destroy itself without doing something.

He made his presence known. “I know how to make it work.”

The First Engineer eyed him, a non-engineer, skeptically but Fate nodded assent. “You have only bequeathed one gift,” Fate’s more-than-voice rumbled. “Another would not be remiss.”

Grinning impishly, Mr. Mojo Sex Machine saved the world.

*drinks*

As you might have guessed, that gift was beer. Unlike the other gods, Mr. Mojo knew that not even Fate was the force which turned the wheel of destiny. All of them, even mighty Thunderdome, were simply those who sat so close to the center they could not feel the motion. For all the gods’ grand ideas, light is balanced by darkness, a balance found in all things, even gods, and it is impossible to create something more perfect than yourself.

So when the pressure of living up to the godly, impossible ideals of dignity, productivity, accomplishment and sex appeal prove too much, there’s beer. When you know you need to do something but don’t know what, there’s beer. When you need to start a fire and the only sticks around are the ones up people’s asses, there’s beer.

The First Engineer did what he could, but you of all people should know the gods ask too much. When the world cracks under the weight of their demands, beer lubricates the slide from shining expectations to fuzzy reality. For every stuffed shirt there’s a string of people puking in the bathtub. Hubris dissolved in a warm, amber glow.

But that’s not why I gave you beer.

Light and darkness, darkness and light. I’ve walked many paths—including one which leads to a hermaphrodite named Raoulita absolutely owning it in the slums of Curacao, but that’s not important right now… or ever—and the darkness that isn’t seen devours. Better worlds than yours have blinked into oblivion, swallowed along with what they claimed as their wisdom. The darkness is hungry, remembers the infinite night before the dawn of all souls. More than that, it lurks in the shadows behind your eyes.

So. Humanity. The culminating pride of the gods’ creation. Drunken rage. Blackout sex. Loud, obnoxious not giving a shit. The million morning after embarrassments as what could have been is slowly pissed away in unisex bathrooms. What better tool than beer to lance the boils of self-delusion and numb the pain while the truth oozes free?

The gods made the world wrong and, as usual, I’m the one who has to clean up the mess. Know who you are, know what you are, and you and your dangly bits might yet survive. And if you happen to forget along the way, beer will always be there to remind you.

You’re welcome, and smile. The next drink’s on me.

Bob Brown lives, works, and writes with his two pugs, two cats, and several dozen chickens in Washington state. He is the author of numerous short stories and the recently released children’s book, The Damsel, the Dragon, and the Knight. He is currently working on several projects including a space opera techno thriller with Irene Radford. He is well known in the science fiction convention community as RadCon Bob, due in part to the nature of his work as a Health Physicist at the Hanford Nuclear Reservation where he supports clean up of nuclear waste left over from the Cold War. Bob is an avid gardener and a teller of chicken jokes.

Barb Caffrey is a writer, editor and musician from the Midwest. Though “On the Making of Veffen” is her first-ever story about beer, she has written other things, including a novel, ELFY , that will be published late in 2013 by Twilight Times Books. Previous stories and poems have appeared in the BEDLAM’S EDGE anthology (with late husband Michael B. Caffrey), the BEARING NORTH anthology, the Written Word online magazine, Joyful Online, the Midwest Literary Magazine, and at e-Quill Publishing. Find her at Elfyverse(AKA “Barb Caffrey’s Blog”) for discussions of all and sundry, or at Shiny Book Review.

Clayton J. Callahan once got a job he really loved, Professional Story Teller. He was performing at renaissance festivals, civil war re-enactments, libraries, book stores and schools. “What a great job to have!” people would tell him after a performance. Then in the next breath they would ask, “Can you make a living at this?” The answer sadly… was no.

To make a living he has served US Navy on an anti-terrorist team, the US Army as a communications sergeant, worked as a public school teacher, deputy sheriff, and Federal Counterintelligence Special Agent. He has served three tours in the Middle East where people tried, rather unsuccessfully, to kill him.

Re-entering the world of storytelling, he has written articles for Knights Of The Dinner Table Magazine, Tournaments Illuminated, Tabletop Gaming News and written informational books for gamers. He is also the designer of two games; Star Run and Battlefields: From Broadswords to Bullets.

Brenda W. Clough is a meek, mild-mannered reporter at a major metropolitan publication. She has published seven novels, many short stories, nonfiction, and innumerable book reviews that revolve around death, misery and grief. She has traveled around the world under the aegis of the US government, and now lives in a cottage at the edge of a forest, surrounded by animals.

Her novel, Revise the World, is available in electronic format at Book View Café ( www.bookviewcafe.com). A version of it was a finalist for both the Hugo and Nebula awards. Her latest electronic novel is Speak to Our Desires.

Mark J. Ferrari has been a professional fantasy illustrator since 1987, and a published novelist since 2007, when his first fantasy novel, The Book of Joby , was published by TOR . The Book of Joby has since sold nearly 30,000 copies, been honored as a Booksense Pick, made Booklist’s ‘Top Ten’ for science fiction/fantasy in 2008, was selected as a finalist for the Endeavor Award, and was re-released as a mass market paperback in January of 2012. Mark has completed a new novel called Twice, currently heading toward publication, and has published several short stories in various anthologies during the past year in collaboration with author Shannon Page. Mark currently resides in Seattle, Washington. More info on his art and writing can be found at www.markferrari.com.

Manny Frishberg was born just south of New York City and attended high school in the shadow of the Brooklyn Bridge. He has made his home on the West Coast for more than 40 years.