Фил Фоглио - Agatha H. and the Voice of the Castle

Tarvek looked up. “I’m not sure…but there’s something about these modifications…”

“GET HIM!” The voice was Fraulein Snaug’s.

“What?” Tarvek jumped.

Sleipnir snatched the paper from his hands and shouted “Come on! Hurry!”

“Just grab him!” Snaug yelled again, and then she, Sleipnir and Violetta had lifted Tarvek off the ground and were rushing him back toward the array.

“Okay! We got him! Get ready!” Sleipnir shouted.

“What are you doing?” Tarvek wailed.

“What do you think, fool? We’re manhandling your royal personage,” Violetta said.

“It’s okay, your Highness,” Fraulein Snaug said worriedly, “It’s on the Lady’s orders.”

“How does that make it better?” he asked.

They slammed him onto one of the slabs. “Hook him in!”

“Set the clamps,” Professor Mezzasalma ordered.

“Just ignore the pain, sir,” Snaug advised him.

“Wait a minute!” Tarvek tried to break free. “We still have to test it!” He thrashed uselessly, but the women held him down.

“Agatha, tell them!”

“ Nonsense! ”

Tarvek froze. Agatha’s voice was…different. The tonal qualities a Spark’s voice acquired when the speaker was in the grip of madness usually raised the hackles of normal people. This voice had Tarvek and every other Spark in the room, desperately looking for an exit.

“‘Testing’ is for when you’re still guessing.”

The clamps had been set, and his captors stepped back. Tarvek could see Agatha now. It didn’t make things better.

Agatha was floating, and her eyes stared out at him from infinity. “And now,” she said in her strange new voice, “I have no need to guess. About anything .”

_______________

87Despite its colorful label, the Poisoner’s Market, like most of Mechanicsburg, has scrubbed almost all of its authentically horrible past. It has maintained its original name because the tourists like it. Thus, alchemists no longer transmutate on the Street of the Goldmakers, resurrectionists no longer raise the dead on the Boulevard of the Blasphemies, and the infamous Dream Rendering Plant sells incense. This is known as gentrification. The original businesses still exist, of course, they just had to move to cheaper parts of town.

88As Baron Wulfenbach’s second-in-command, Boris was burdened with the running of the Empire on more than one occasion. While others would have been tempted by the almost unlimited power this entailed, Boris always complained about the extra paperwork. This is disingenuous, as Boris always did all of the paperwork anyway, but now he was in charge. It has often been stated that Boris’ priorities revealed him to be the most boring man in the Empire. This does Herr Dolokhov a disservice, as our research indicates that he was, in all likelihood, the most boring man in the world.

89Still a Spark.

90Andronicus Valois, the Storm King, possessed a set of nine mysterious, oracular clanks known as the Muses. They were constructed by the Spark artificer Van Rijn and were designed to help the Storm King rule by teaching him and advising him on the various disciplines that a monarch needed to hold together a large, disparate Empire. Anecdotal evidence suggests that while Andronicus appreciated their abilities, he didn’t like them much. This is hardly surprising, as any student of human nature will tell you that kings usually have no patience with being schooled. After the fall of the Storm King, the Muses disappeared from history. Many thought they had been destroyed, but the truth is that they had hidden themselves in order to safely await the appearance of a legitimate heir to the Lightning Crown.

91The Post-revivification rush (PRR) is a well-documented phenomenon. When a construct is bequeathed the sudden gift of life, everything goes into overdrive, as it were. The senses are sharper, reflexes are faster. Strength and stamina are increased to alarming degrees, and thus the body is capable of astounding feats of destruction and strength. Naturally all of this has to come from somewhere, and so the higher brain functions are noticeably diminished during this time. It’s why constructs wake up in chains, which naturally freaks them out, beginning the entertaining feedback loop long celebrated in song and story.

92Belgian Chocolate Mimmoths. One of the more famous products of the Odalisque Chocolate Company of Antwerp. Interestingly enough, the original recipe was for chocolate covered peanuts, but, as everyone knows, mimmoths will bore through concrete walls in order to obtain the tasty groundnut, and so it should not have been a surprise that they wound up in a chocolatiers peanut vat. The serendipitous result was hailed as a gastronomic wonder, as long as you don’t think about it too much.

93Élan vital, also known as the “vital force” is the theoretical “life energy” that a being uses to live and move. There is some dispute amongst scientific circles as to whether this life energy actually exists as a measureable thing. For a long time it was confused with electricity, but as any backwoods dabbler will tell you, just pumping electricity into a corpse gets you nothing except disturbing ideas about barbeque sauce.

94Subsequent calculations by the Professors have mathematically verified the truth of this statement, but dispute Princess Zeetha’s assumed claim of primacy. History shows us that, at best, she might have a legitimate claim for fourth place.

95On her initial voyage to Europa, the Princess Zeetha had been abducted by pirates, who slaughtered the rest of her shipmates. When she got free, she returned the favor. This left her stranded in a strange land with no clue as to where her homeland was. In the subsequent three years, she traveled Europa trying to find anyone who had ever heard of her homeland, Skifander. By the time she encountered Agatha, who had heard stories of Skifander from Barry Heterodyne, Zeetha had almost become convinced that she had made the place up.

96Grimstaad, Norway. The ancestral home of the Tryggvassens. A tidy little Northern village of fishermen and farmers, who were periodically terrorized by semi-sentient sea lions, laser crabs, exploding oysters, flesh-eating sea gulls and the occasional Polar Lord raiding party. In light of this, Othar’s antagonism towards Sparks is not particularly surprising.

97Only one person had successfully circumvented this system; Herr Doktor Felix van Gunt, who had operated upon himself and removed his own head, enabling him to simply slip the collar off. Tragically, while he was leaving the castle with his head safely tucked under his arm, he misjudged the distances, and fell down a flight of stairs.

98Yes, yes, the whole “brain swap without surgery” thing. In a rare display of solidarity, Sparks have universally discouraged this particular field of research for two reasons. The first, that science is regarded with enough suspicion as it is, without allowing plausible justification for the whole ‘Is my ruler/boss/lover who I think they are? Or has their mind been replaced by an agent of a secret cabal that is out to get me?’ thing. The second, that it’s really hard to do, and those who manage to successfully pull it off are bloody insufferable about it.

CHAPTER 11

We then did as the Master commanded us, and when we were finished, lights, like fireflies, began to gleam in the darkness. P’raps it be but fancy, but I did feel as if a Great Presence, invisible and malevolent, was being slowly roused from a deep slumber, and was looking about like a man roused from a wine-induced sleep .

A most terrible noyse did fill the chamber, and Master Faustus did laugh in glee. “The power of speech is not learned instantly! Try thou again,” he demanded .