Jasper Fforde - The Constant Rabbit

‘Oh,’ I said, realising how this might have been a hideous faux pas, ‘sorry.’

‘Don’t give it a second thought,’ said Doc amiably, ‘but if you do want to make a play for Connie and she’s up for it, it’ll be pistols at dawn.’

‘I’m not looking to appropriate your wife, Doc.’

‘Good thing too, old boy. Cigar?’

‘No thanks.’

I thought for a moment.

‘So what’s your explanation for how you came to be anthropomorphised?’

‘Do you know,’ said Doc with a frown, ‘I’m not sure it’s ever been fully explained – or even if it’s relevant. Some say it was a spontaneous miracle performed by Lago the instant she died at the hand of man, or alternatively, a retrospective miracle performed by the Venerable Bunty, but I’m not sure that’s possible. Bunty herself thinks that it might have had a satirical component—’

‘Coffee!’ said Connie as she bounded into the room with an energetic flourish, and placed the tray on the table.

The coffee was, again, excellent, and after challenging me to a game of Scrabble that I lost in a spectacular manner to Connie’s placement of Poxviridae 36 36. It’s the family of viruses behind Rabbitpox, just one of several viruses potentially fatal to rabbits. across two triple word scores for a total of 257 37 37. She used up all seven tiles and got a bonus fifty, in case you’re wondering how she did this. ‘Rid’ was already placed, although I have a sneaking suspicion that since Doc placed it, he might have been assisting his wife. points, the evening was soon over and they saw me to the door. I had enjoyed Doc and Connie’s company more than I had anyone else’s in Much Hemlock – Pippa excluded – for at least ten years. I remembered more clearly what I’d liked about Connie, too. Her charm, her range of conversation, and her mixture of good humour and perceptiveness. I suddenly found myself feeling a little stupid that I’d never looked her up.

Connie and I paused in the porch as she saw me out, Doc having excused himself to set the VCR to record The Great Escape . 38 38. Rabbits are keen on any film involving tunnelling, and still embrace the retro tech of VCRs.

‘It’s been a very pleasant evening,’ I said, ‘thank you very much.’

‘Likewise and really good to see you again,’ said Connie, staring at me intently.

‘Yes,’ I agreed, suddenly feeling all hot and flustered, ‘too long.’

She moved forward and gave me a hug. Her fur was as soft as the finest cashmere, and when her whiskers stroked against my cheek I twitched involuntarily. We released each other and then, catching me by surprise, she pulled me back in and gave me a second hug, much tighter yet briefer. I was going to ask her why, but at that moment Doc reappeared.

‘Goodbye, Peter,’ said Connie, ‘pop by any time.’

‘Yes indeed,’ said Doc, ‘always up for a game of Scrabble, or a gambol in the fields. Do you like gambolling? In moderation there’s nothing better.’

Gambolling in the meadows was a pastime peculiar to rabbits which involved sporadic jumping around on turf, usually just after sunrise, and best enjoyed when little was on your mind. Sort of like mixing jazz dancing and yoga.

‘I’ve not tried it,’ I said. ‘I think our version might be quite close to golf.’

‘Ah!’ said Doc. ‘Do you play?’

‘No.’

‘Me neither. Rubbish game. What about rugby or soccer?’

‘No.’

‘Glad to hear it. We abhor gladiatorial team sports. Why are you still bringing up your young men to be warriors?’

‘Are we?’

‘Looks like it. You may want to address that, along with the mummying and princeling stuff. You should reappraise the “death as entertainment” bullshit, too – I’m sure it’s not healthy.’

‘We don’t use death as entertainment.’

‘Not real death any more, agreed,’ said Doc, ‘but enacted unrelentingly in the movies and on the TV, it’s got to be sending mixed messages, eh? Death brings only bereavement and loss, and killing is only ever an option if it is the last possible resort.’

‘Often it is,’ I said, inexplicably defending my own.

‘If you really believe that is the case,’ said Connie, ‘then I think your species’ somewhat strained relationship with the beneficial powers of compromise and reconciliation could also do with a reappraisal.’

‘Yes,’ I said after a pause, ‘I think that’s quite a valid point.’

‘Humans talk a great deal,’ said Doc, ‘and seemingly understand how they should behave – but rarely do. All that chat without positive action is nothing but hot air. It’s a mystery to me how you managed to get this far without imploding. Well, pip pip!’

I moved to go. Given Mr Ffoxe’s directive I’d not broached the subject of the ‘shoving off’ fund, and didn’t quite know how to tell the Malletts that I hadn’t. But as it turned out, we did talk about the fund – I just wasn’t the one to raise it.

‘How much are they offering us to leave?’ asked Connie once I’d taken a few paces from their front door. I stopped and turned back.

‘It was suggested I should start the negotiations at seven grand,’ I said after a pause, feeling emboldened by my own honesty, ‘but I think they’d easily go to twenty and perhaps more. How did you know there was a fund?’

‘There’s always a fund,’ said Doc.

‘Can I be honest with you?’ I asked.

‘We ask for nothing else.’

‘Most of the villagers are not desperately leporiphobic, just ignorant and easily led. It’s the Malletts you have to watch out for. They’ve already talked about getting 2LG involved.’

Connie and Doc looked at one another. I got the feeling that anyone who tried to put Doc head first into a forty-gallon drum of gravy would have a serious fight on their hands.

‘Once you start running you never stop,’ said Connie in a low voice. ‘Spread the word: we’ll be friends with whoever wants to be friends, and trouble to whoever wants to be trouble. And believe me, we can be trouble.’

I looked at Doc, who raised himself up to his full height. Even if I was eight inches taller, a lot fitter, twenty years younger and, most importantly, brave, I’d still think twice about tackling him.

‘OK,’ I said, the threatening tone seemingly at odds with the rabbit’s generally peaceful demeanour. ‘I’ll make sure the message gets across.’

‘Good man,’ said Doc, suddenly amiable once more. ‘Drop around any time – always an open door.’

Connie gave me a wave, and the door closed behind them. I walked back to my house, thinking deeply about the evening’s events. Of duels, meadowfield stew, the massive differences between our cultures and being totally thrashed at Scrabble when I thought I was a good player. But most of all, I was thinking about that second hug from Connie.

Only Wildstock carried the surname Rabbit. The laboratory rabbit designated MNU-683 was being used to test the effect of cosmetics on skin when the Event occurred, and the following morning politely asked the life sciences technicians: ‘I say, would you mind toning that down a bit?’ She was released the following week, but her descendants retained her alphanumerical surname as a sign of respect.

When I came down the following morning, my head felt as though it had nine hyperactive hedgehogs inside, all doing a poorly coordinated line dance. Despite this, I could see a beautiful relationship developing between myself and the mind-altering charms of dandelion brandy. Pippa was already up and dressed, making breakfast.