Jasper Fforde - The Constant Rabbit

‘Oh yes,’ she said, blinking so I could almost hear her long eyelashes swishing through the air, ‘those are a bit of a giveaway, aren’t they?’

We stood there for a moment.

‘It’s really good to see you again, Peter,’ she said, breaking the impasse and holding my hand in both of her incredibly soft paws. ‘A lot of catching up to do. Are those for me?’

She was pointing at the basket that contained the carrots.

‘For all of you,’ I said rather foolishly.

‘How … sweet,’ she said in an uncertain voice. ‘Really, you shouldn’t have troubled yourself.’

There was another uncertain pause. I could have left there and then, but I was on a mission – and I admit I was curious, and not just about reacquainting myself with Connie: it’s not often rabbits move in next door. I needed a conversation opener, so went for the most obvious.

‘Will your children be going to the local school?’

‘Not for a week or so,’ she replied, I think also relieved by the mundane direction in which the conversation had headed. ‘We need to speak to the headmistress Mrs Lomax about certain … special requirements.’

I decided to tackle the elephant in the room.

‘About being … rabbits?’ I said, in as matter-of-fact a tone as I could muster.

‘No,’ she replied innocently. ‘Bobby has a potentially fatal allergy to peanuts.’

‘Oh,’ I said, feeling awkward now that the elephant in the room had denied its own existence, ‘that must be very … challenging for him.’

‘Her. Roberta, but known as Bobby. Like in The Railway Children ?’

‘I don’t remember that.’

‘Jenny Agutter played her in the movie.’

‘Ah, yes,’ I said, but not really remembering.

‘Who’s at the door?’ came a voice from inside the house.

‘This is Peter Knox, our new neighbour,’ said Connie, opening the door wider to reveal Major Rabbit hopping aggressively across the hall carpet. Since he was powerfully built and quite tall – at least six-four without the ears – I found him somewhat intimidating.

‘He and I shared a few lectures at Barnstaple University.’

‘Was he part of the infinitesimally small crowd that demonstrated against your expulsion?’

‘Well—’

‘I would have been there,’ I said, ‘but was away that weekend.’

‘Oh yes?’ said Major Rabbit.

‘At my aunt’s,’ I explained, making it suddenly sound even more of a lame excuse than it was, ‘she was ill.’

‘Hmm,’ said Major Rabbit, looking at Connie and then me, ‘were he and you a thing?’

‘Goodness me, no ,’ said Connie with a laugh, ‘what an idea. No, we just did some coffee and films. Look,’ she added, ‘Peter brought over gifts.’

Major Rabbit took the basket from her, lifted the gingham tea towel, stared at the carrots for a moment and then scowled at me.

‘What is this? Some kind of joke?’

‘Clifford, please ,’ said Connie, ‘you’re embarrassing me. I’m sure Peter had no idea. Fudds are just impossible when it comes to following our ways and customs.’

Major Rabbit ignored her and continued to stare at me in a menacing fashion. I noticed that one of his eyes was slightly milky, and his ears had a dozen or so duelling bullet holes, evidence of loves lost and won. His left ear had a kink a quarter of the way up where a wound had healed badly, but Mrs Griswold and Pippa had been right: he was ex-military – his blood group, tissue type and favourite strain of carrot 26 26. One should never underestimate the recuperating properties of a favourite variety of carrot. were plainly visible, tattooed inside the right ear. Rabbits who had been marked in this manner never came up on our screens. No need.

‘Listen,’ I said, moving away slowly, ‘I meant no offence. I thought rabbits liked carrots, that’s all.’

‘Of course we like carrots. We live for carrots. We’d die for a sodding carrot. But not like that. Not scrubbed … topped … and in a basket .’

He stared at me dangerously, awaiting an explanation that I couldn’t give.

‘Clifford,’ said Connie more firmly, ‘calm is as calm does, remember?’

‘Listen,’ I said, ‘I’ve no idea what I’ve done to offend you, but whatever it is, I apologise. I’m your neighbour.’

I pointed across the dividing hedge to my house and both Connie and Major Rabbit looked at my house for a moment, twitched their noses in unison, looked at each other, then back at me.

‘It was simply a moving-in present,’ I added, ‘but I can see this is bad timing. I’ll leave you in peace.’

I turned to go but Major Rabbit took a powerful bound and was instantly at my side. He laid a paw on my shoulder.

‘You had no idea?’

‘Listen,’ I said, warming to my task, ‘I’ll admit there’s been some negative sentiments about you moving here, but I’d thought and try and show you that despite the vocal minority, some of us are at least—’ I tried to think of the right phrase ‘—harmlessly indifferent.’

Major Rabbit looked back at Connie, then at me, then smiled.

‘If you’re merely selling indifference, we’ll buy that with cabbage. I think I owe you an apology.’

He slapped me on the back.

‘I’m Major Clifford Rabbit, DSC, Powys Regiment.’

We shook hand/paws.

‘Mr Knox,’ he said after thinking for a moment, ‘have you ever tried meadowfield stew?’

I had to admit that I hadn’t.

‘We shall deal with this woeful lapse in your life experience. Constance, my sweet? Are we busy tomorrow night?’

‘Bridge club in Ross,’ she said. ‘No, wait, that’s the night after.’

‘Good,’ said Major Rabbit, ‘how about tomorrow night?’

‘Thank you,’ I said, ‘I’d love to.’

‘Excellent – and please, Mr Knox, bring your daughter.’

‘How did you know I had a daughter?’

‘From the size of her clothes on the washing line,’ he said, seemingly without looking in that direction at all. ‘She’s probably nineteen or twenty, slim build. Working in management, I think.’

He leaned closer and sniffed at me delicately.

‘But there’s no scent of adult female on you,’ he continued, seemingly quite carried away with his own precise observations. ‘You are not partnered, but it’s not by choice. I can smell emptiness, loss and a deep melanch—’

‘That’s enough, sweetness,’ said Connie, walking up from the porch and taking her husband’s arm. ‘You can bring your elder brother, too, if you want, Peter. Have you had him tested? He looks a little simple.’

I frowned.

‘I don’t have a brother.’

‘No? Then you have a burglar. I saw him nipping furtively into your back door while we were standing here talking. Had a sort of lumpy face that looked like a pothole repair done in haste and on a limited budget.’

‘That’ll be my gardener,’ I said, realising she was describing Norman Mallett with alarming precision. He must be there lurking, wanting to quiz me. I looked at Connie and Clifford in turn.

‘You seem very … observant .’

‘Almost three hundred and ten degrees peripheral vision,’ said Clifford, pointing at his large eyes. ‘We can see front, back and top. In fact,’ he added with a sense of pride, ‘we can almost see better behind us than in front. If you were once prey, it pays to know what’s going on around you at all times.’

‘That must be very useful.’

‘It certainly doesn’t stink.’

‘Sensing almost everything around us gives us an edge,’ explained Connie, ‘in a hostile environment.’