Robert Rankin - Nostradamus Ate My Hamster

“He lied about that.”

“Then he probably lied about the Nazi future as well.”

“No, he was telling the truth about that.”

“I’m confused,” said Russell.

“I’m trying to make it as simple as I can. Hitler’s henchmen, the two SS guards, located Mr Fudgepacker. He arranged for me to hide Hitler in the shed behind The Bricklayer’s Arms. Where you saw him. Bobby Boy turned up just after you’d gone. And he told his story about being in a Nazi future. Now Mr Fudgepacker put two and two together. The future had not been Nazi when Hitler got there, but it had when Bobby Boy got there. Why was that?”

“Good question,” said Russell. “Why was that?”

“Because Bobby Boy had stolen the Cyberstar equipment and brought it back to the nineteen nineties.”

“I still don’t get it.”

“Mr Fudgepacker told you about the movie. The movie to be made with the equipment. The movie that would change the world. Change the future.”

“Oh,” said Russell. “I see. The stolen equipment from the future would be used to change the future. But surely that can’t be done.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s plagiarism. They used the same idea in Terminator 2 .”

“Whatever made you say that?”

“I just thought I’d get it in before anyone else did.”

“Fair enough.”

“So what you’re saying, is, that by going into the future and stealing the equipment that would change the future, the future Bobby Boy went into was a future that had already been changed, by him having stolen the equipment and used it in the then-past, which is our present?”

“Exactly. It’s all so simple when you put it like that.”

“So the movie will change the future.”

“With His help, it will.”

“This is the He I saw on the video, the red-faced insect thing?”

“It was He who guided the construction of the Flügelrad . The rise of Nazi Germany in the twentieth century offered the first real opportunity for a single man to rule the entire world.”

“Mr Hitler.”

“And if he’d won, it would have happened. Hitler is just a puppet of this creature. It feeds off people, feeds off their time. It swallows up their time, takes their feelings, their emotions. It intends to put something into the movie. Something subliminal, or active in some way that will control the minds of all who watch it. And everyone will want to watch it, they’ll have never seen anything like it before.”

“Good God,” said Russell.

“ Bad God,” said Julie.

“But is it a god? Or is it from outer space, or inner space, or what?”

“I don’t know exactly what it is. Mr Fudgepacker knows. He’s its guardian. At times it is moved to other places and others guard it. But it always returns to the Emporium. I’ve known of it since I was a child.”

“So aren’t you afraid?”

“Very afraid. That’s why I went along with everything. The making of the movie. Everything.”

“Yes, what about the movie? The one I saw on the videos wasn’t the same one I saw the next day at the screening.”

“It was. You just didn’t think it was. You saw what they wanted you to see. You were hypnotized while you slept. When they dressed your head and changed the safe.”

“They’ve made a right fool out of me, haven’t they? But I’ll have the last laugh. I won’t market their evil movie. I’ll stop it ever getting shown.”

“I don’t know if you can. You see, after you left the party Hitler turned up in the Flügelrad . He’d come back from the future. The Nazi future he controls. He’d come back to congratulate Mr Fudgepacker on the success of the movie. It does get shown, Russell, with, or without your help. And it does change the world.”

“Then we’ve got to stop it. Somehow.”

“Oh yes, we have. It’s all so evil. I couldn’t be a part of it any longer.”

“So that’s why you shouted out when Bobby Boy attacked me.”

“You’re the one person I knew I could trust. The one person prepared to stand up to them. You’re the one person I really care about, Russell.”

Julie’s mouth was there to kiss. So Russell kissed it.

The Flügelrad flew on into the future.

Explicit things occurred within, which had only previously occurred there on one occasion. And that was in 1955, when a certain Miss Turton of 16 Mafeking Avenue, Brentford, who got a mention at the beginning of Chapter 6, had her brief encounter of the third kind.

The explicit things now, however, occurred with a great deal more gusto and mutual appreciation. Russell gave of his all unstintingly and Julie, for her part, responded in a manner that only an ex-contortionist go-go dancing sex aid demonstrator truly can.

Lucky old Russell.

Then BANG ! went the Flügelrad .

“Did the earth move for you too?” Julie asked.

“Yes,” said Russell. “Ouch.”

There was a curious vibration. Things seemed to go out of focus. Everything double, then merging into one again.

“Is it supposed to do that?” Russell rubbed at his eyes.

“Don’t ask me, I’ve never flown the thing before.”

“That’s comforting.”

“But I think it means we’ve arrived at whenever we’ve arrived at.”

“And so’s that.”

Julie began to put on her clothes. “Come on,” she said. “Let’s get out.”

“Aw, must we just yet?”

“I think we must.”

The ladder extended and the hatch snapped open. Russell stuck his head out and sniffed at the air. Did it smell like home? Well, it smelled of flowers. Spring flowers. Russell climbed up onto the dome and took a look around. The Flügelrad had landed in bushes, in the middle of a pleasant park. In the distance rose wondrous buildings of a futuristic nature. Closer, old housing, faintly familiar.

“I think we’ve landed in exactly the same place Bobby Boy landed.” Russell joined Julie back in the cockpit. “Let’s go for a walk and see what’s what.”

“Do you think it will be safe?”

“Not for one minute. But let’s do it anyway.”

Russell helped her down the ladder. The Flügelrad was pretty well hidden by the bushes and there was no-one about. It couldn’t hurt to leave it there and take a quick look around.

Of course it couldn’t.

“It’s supposed to be all uniforms and golden dresses here.” Russell examined his appearance. Scruffy, he concluded. Julie looked marvellous. She was still wearing the short black evening number. The one that should have had more than a mention earlier.

“We could try and steal some clothes,” Julie said.

“Oh no. We’re not stealing anything. We’ll go and have a look around, size up the situation. But we won’t get involved in anything.”

“Fair enough.”

They strolled across the park. Julie held Russell by the hand, which made Russell feel proud. Soon they reached the something-strasser.

“Look,” Russell pointed. “It’s The Bricklayer’s Arms. And Bobby Boy told the truth. It has been renamed The Flying Swan.”

“I wonder why.”

Russell shrugged. “I’m sure it will be explained eventually.”

And on they walked.

Folk passed them on the something-strasser, young folk, tall and handsome. But Russell didn’t like the way they moved. So stiffly, so unnaturally. They did not so much as glance at Russell, but they did look twice at Julie.

Ahead, where The Great West Road had once been, they found the mammoth shopping mall. All high glass and chrome, with the souped-up Volkswagens flying around it and landing upon upper platforms.