Rovert Rankin - The Fandom of the Operator

I have all the time in the world.

In this world.

Because ultimately. And marvellously.

It’s never, ever,

A Lazlo Woodbine thriller.

Remember those? No? Well, please yourself, then.

This book is hard to come by, but if you can find a copy it's well worth a read. Seabrook was a pioneer of rubber fetishism back in the 1920s and also a chum of Aleister Crowley. Credentials enough, I think.

I might not have been able to foresee a washing machine in almost every home in the country. But at least I was right about that one.

If you have heard it, just flick on. If not, enjoy.

Humour. Courtesy of Ivor Biggun.

Hole-in-the-wall cash dispensers have CCTV cameras, so keep your head well down and you won't be recognized. If there is any trouble, you can always say that your cash card was nicked by a Mexican and it wasn't you that did this.

I know that I mentioned that I smoked Woodbines, but they did give me a terrible heaving cough, so I switched to Passing Cloud. Just in case you were wondering.

And it is. Although I wouldn't fancy it.

Later in life Dave revised this line to: 'I could have sworn you were Jabba the Hut.' But I always preferred the original.

A Lazlo Woodbine thriller.

Ditto.

Ditto.

And ditto once again.

It was a reunion gig. Jeff had paid his dues by now, earned the nation's love with 'Hi Ho Silver Lining' and done a couple of solo albums that no one remembers now.

Obviously the answer is Stringfellows. But the essence of really good comedy is never to say the obvious; instead rely on the reader sharing the same cultural references. There's an art to this kind of thing. So I'm not going to mention the name.

This will mean absolutely nothing to anyone who has never read a Lazlo Woodbine thriller. But who are these people? Anyone?

Except once, when I went to the Blackpool Illuminations.

I liked the Slade in those days. But then, didn't everyone? I believe Jeff Beck played with them on their first album.

Not paper plates, you note, but porcelain. There's posh for you.

Naturally we wouldn't have dared to do this if Smokey Robinson had been about, for we knew his reputation as a bad man to mess with.

I know that this has now become a legendary phrase, uttered by the great Arnie Schwarzenegger. But, for the record, it was first uttered in that café in 1977.

This is absolutely true. You can look it up for yourself if you don't believe me. Try Tesla: The man who invented the twentieth century . You'll find it in the restricted section of the library.

Not to be confused with the Eddie Cochran song.