Robert Rankin - The Sprouts of Wrath

There was a sudden disruption in the middle of the bar. “Watch this,” said Norman, clearing space in the crowd. “Now just watch this.”

The onlookers and good-time-charlies, who had been accepting his free drinks, drew back to a respectful distance and egged him on. “Watchagonnado?” they asked.

“A demonstration of the Norman Hartnell Mark One Flying Jacket, Wallah!” Norman opened his coat. Around his waist was a broad belt loaded with lead weights and general junk of the heavy variety. “The miracle of Normanite,” Norman unbuckled the belt and it fell to the floor with a loud crash. “Up and away,” To massed amazement, he rose from his feet and drifted towards the ceiling. “He leaps tall buildings at a single bound!” the shopman called down to his speechless spectators.

“Bloody idiot,” muttered Old Pete. “My glass is empty yet again.”

“Give the man his due,” said Neville. “That is not the kind of thing one sees every day.”

Norman bobbed about on the ceiling, giggling foolishly. To Pooley’s rear the shabby-looking man in the greasy brown trilby rolled his newspaper into a tight tube, inserted something dubious into the end and placed it to his lips.

“For he’s a jolly good fellow,” sang the crowd, “and so say all of us.”

“If he throws up on my carpet, he’ll pay for the cleaning,” said Neville. “Pooley, look out!” Jim ducked instinctively. Something whistled past his left ear and thudded into the haunches of a souvenir Spanish bull upon the bar shelf. “Stop that man!” cried Neville, but the crowd was too entranced with Norman’s antics. The shabby-looking man fled the Swan. “It’s a blowpipe dart,” said the part-time barman, examining the bull’s punctured rump. “By the gods!”

“That bastard Bob is not giving up,” Pooley climbed to his feet. “Thanks very much, Neville.”

The barman sniffed at the end of the dart. “Curare,” he said. “He was out to kill you, Jim, and in my pub, the bloody cheek.” Old Pete chuckled, Pooley had nothing to say. “Curare,” said Neville, “a distillation from the Amazon plant Cameracio Apolidorus . The natives boil up the tubers and the roots, you know. The poison maintains its potency for years, a single prick and you’ve less than a minute to say your prayers. Attacks the central nervous system, you see.”

“Thank you,” said Jim. “I had no idea you harboured an interest in toxicology.”

“I did a night-school course at the Arts Centre,” said the barman, “from their Poisoner in Residence. Funny what you remember.”

“Oh, dead amusing, yes. And how are you on anti-gravity? Your man Norman looks to be in some difficulty.”

Indeed the floating shopman was exhibiting signs of extreme discomfort. He was flattened against the ceiling and now very red in the face. “Oh help!” wailed Norman. “Get me down, for Godsake!”

Neville sighed deeply and climbed on to the bar counter, disciplinary knobkerry in hand. “Take hold,” he called. Norman gripped the knobkerry, the onlookers gripped the barman’s ankles. Amidst much puffing and blowing and with no small utterances of profanity, the zero-gravity shopkeeper was returned to terra firma and the weighted belt was hastily clamped once more about his waist.

“It’s handy stuff though,” said Norman, breathlessly. “Got it sewn into the jacket, you see.”

The onlookers saw. “Clever,” they said, wondering if the source of the free drinks had now dried up. “You are a genius, Norman.”

“A large brandy on me for Mr Einstein,” said Pooley, pressing his way through the crowd.

“My thanks, Jim.” Norman checked his belt. “Perhaps in my zeal, I overdid it. I shall have to watch the walk home, or I could end up in orbit.”

“Norman,” said Jim, “could I have a word or two with you in private?”

“As many words as you wish, Jim, what’s on your mind?”

Pooley led the shopkeeper away to a quiet corner. The onlookers looked on in disgust and purchased their own drinks. “A small word,” said Jim.

“And why not?” Norman tapped his nose. “From one millionaire to another.”

“Ah, you heard about my bet.”

“There’s not much stays quiet in Brentford. I do live next door to Bob after all.”

“Quite so, but listen, Norman. This Normanite of yours. A man wearing such a flying-jacket could, I suppose, drift up to the stadium, could he not?”

Norman looked doubtful. “If the wind was favourable. I don’t think I’d care to take my chances though. You could end up, well, up, indefinitely speaking.”

Jim nodded thoughtfully. “Somewhat dangerous, yes I agree. It’s a pity though.”

“What are you up to then, Jim?”

“Not me,” said Pooley, “the Professor. He wants to get a look at the stadium before it opens, some matter of public safety, I believe.”

“He’s got his free ticket, hasn’t he?”

“I understand he’d like a private viewing.”

“He’s a man of some influence, can’t he swing it with the organizers?”

“I don’t think they would approve, this is something of a secret operation.”

“Ooh.” Norman placed a finger to his lips. “Mum’s the word, eh? Well, I might be prevailed upon to …” He made thoughtful faces.

“To what, Norman?”

“To drive him up.”

“What?”

“A little top secret project of my own.” Norman spoke in the conspiratorial whisper much favoured by conspiratorial whisperers. “I have done a bit of a conversion job on the old Morris Minor. The Hartnell Harrier is now the Hartnell Air Car.” Pooley shook his head, the man was a genius. “A revolution in personal transportation with almost limitless potential in the fields of haulage, commuter-carriage, inter-city travel, et cetera, et cetera. Another first for Hartnell International.”

“Does it work?”

“Does it work? How dare you? It’s a bit spartan at present, only a prototype, but when they start rolling off the production line. I’ve come up with some great little modifications,” Norman rattled on with boundless enthusiasm, “a single tiny switch which cuts out those annoying red dashboard lights that always come on when you’re half-way up a motorway. Rear headlights to revenge yourself on those blighters who come up behind you at night with their main beams on. A sweety dispenser, in-car commode, automatic pilot, self-contained …”

“You don’t waste any time once you’ve an idea in your head,” Pooley put in hastily, to staunch the verbal flow which showed no immediate signs of abating.

“There’s no time like the present, Jim. A lot of it is still in the ideas stage, but the car does work, I’m telling you.”

“And would you be prepared to take the Professor up to the stadium?”

“Why not? I’d like a sneak preview myself. There are also one or two matters I’d like his advice on. Tit for tat, eh, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“I’m sure he wouldn’t!”

“When does he want to go?” Norman asked.

“Tomorrow night, how does that sound?”

“The night before the games start.”

“What?” said Jim. “They’ve brought them forward?”

“Yes, it was announced this morning, didn’t you know?”

“No, I did not, oh dear.” Jim chewed upon his knuckles.

“There’s no sweat, the car will be ready, sounds like a bit of an adventure. Yes, I shall look forward to it.” Norman raised his glass. It was empty. “Want another, Jim?”

“I’ll get them,” said Pooley. “Another pint?”

“No. Just a light ale, don’t want people thinking I’m a heavy drinker, light, heavy, get it, eh?” Norman tapped at his weighted belt and giggled foolishly. “Can’t keep a good man down, eh? Good man down? There I go again.” He creased up with mirth.