Robert Asprin: M.Y.T.H.-Interpretations: The Worlds of Robert Asprin

He rubbed his lower lip thoughtfully.

“I wonder how much my lunch buddy has insured this shipment for?”

“Probably not much, if at all,” Guido supplied. “To do so would necessitate the fillin’ out of the documents declarin’ the contents of said shipment, and any insurance type knowledgeable enough to give him full value would also know the discrepancy between the shipment count and what was originally printed. You see, Boss, the trouble with runnin’ a fraud is that it requires runnin’ additional frauds to cover for it, and eventually someone is bound to catch on.”

Skeeve wasn’t even listening by the time Guido finished his oration. He was busy rubbing the spot between my ears, a strange smile on his face.

“Well, I guess nobody wins all the time.”

“What was that, Boss?”

My pet turned to face them.

“I said that M.Y.T.H., Inc. fumbled the ball this time. Sorry, Nunzio, but this one is going into the records as a botched assignment. I can only assure you that it will not be reflected on your next performance review.”

“I don’t get it,” Nunzio frowned. “What went wrong?”

“Why, the fire of course. You know, the fire that destroyed the entire shipment due to our inattentiveness and neglect? Terribly careless of us, wasn’t it?”

“Fire? What fire?”

Skeeve stepped to one side and bowed to me, sweeping one hand toward the cases.

“Gleep? I believe this is your specialty?”

I waffled briefly between using a #4 or a #6, then said “to heck with it” and cut loose with a #9. It was a bit show-offy, I’ll admit, but with Guido and Nunzio watching, not to mention my pet, it was pointless to spare the firepower.

They were impressed, which was not surprising, as #9 is quite impressive. There wasn’t even any afterburn to put out, since by the time I shut down the old flame-thrower, there was nothing left to burn.

For several moments we all stood staring at the charred spot on the warehouse floor.

“Wow!” Guido breathed at last.

“You can say that double for me,” Nunzio nodded, slipping an arm around my neck. “Good dragon, Gleep. Good dragon.”

“Well, gentlemen,” Skeeve said, rubbing his hands together, “now that that’s over I guess we can head…What’s that?”

He pointed to the collapsed portion of the floor, noticing it for the first time.

“That?” Nunzio squeaked innocently. “Beats me, Boss. It was like that when we got here.”

I didn’t bother to return his wink, for I was already starting to retreat into heavily thought. I only hoped that in the final analysis I wouldn’t decide that either Guido or Nunzio was an unsettling influence on my pet. Time would tell.

First down the long white aisle came the flower girls, ten of them dressed in green organza tossing handfuls of petals into the air. I got a faceful of their perfume and sneezed. That expression caused me to bare my teeth involuntarily, causing an equally involuntary back step by the six people standing nearest to me in the great hall of Possiltum Palace. I never expect Klahds to really appreciate Pervect teeth like mine.

I tugged at the tight collar of the formal tunic I’d let Massha talk me into wearing. If she hadn’t become such a valued associate of mine and Skeeve’s, I would tactfully have arranged to be elsewhere on this, her special day of days. But if you are smart you will never say ‘no’ to a woman about to get married, unless you’re planning on finishing the sentence with “of course I don’t mind you dressing me up like an organ-grinder’s monkey.” Which, naturally, leads your former apprentice and present partner to ask what an organ grinder is. When I explained he said it sounds like a devious torture device which, now that I come to think of it, isn’t all that far from being accurate, if you consider your inner ear an organ.

The horde of little girls was succeeded by a host of little boys dressed up like pages. Every one of them looked like I felt. I know Massha has a somewhat garish color sense, but I’d have done a little better for these kids than coral and pink striped satin breeches and caps, and bright aqua tunics. All around me I could see optic nerves shorting out, and the bridal attendants hadn’t started down the aisle yet.

Before I’d finished the thought, here they came in a bevy. A lot of the bridesmaids were of Massha’s globular body type, though none of them matched her in sheer.magnificence (this is her wedding day. It behooves me to be more than my usual tactful self). Her confidence and warmth brought out the best in fellow large ladies of the Possiltum court, who sought her out as a friend and role model, helping them to like themselves as they were. She had plenty of friends there. Even Queen Hemlock, whom I would have voted “Girl Least Likely to Have Friends of Her Own Species,” had gotten onto cordial, even warm terms with her.

In an unusual display of insecurity Massha had run color choices for the ladies’ gowns past Bunny, who has a good eye for fashion. Instead of a wallow of wild hues, which is what I would have expected, the bridesmaids were all dressed in pale pink silk. In spite of the vast difference in complexions and sizes, the pink served to flatter rather than draw attention. Bunny herself looked glorious and demure in her gown. The pink even looked good against the green of Tananda’s hair. She resembled some species of orchid, shapely and exotic. I’d never before seen bridesmaids’ dresses that didn’t look like bedspreads or horror costumes. Mentally, I awarded points to Bunny for skill and Massha for knowing when to ask for help. It just showed what kind of trust the team inspired.

Subtlety ended with the arrival of an entire marching band. Two women in pink and aqua skirts shorter than anything Tanda had ever worn on a job catapulted into the room and began to turn flips down the white carpet. Behind them, a drum major in bright orange and blue came to a halt at the door and blew a sharp blast on a whistle. He hoisted his baton on high and marched forward, leading the Possiltum army’s music corps in full dress uniform, playing Honywagen’s Wedding March. This was a discordant dirge that had become traditional for weddings across the dimensions, to the everlasting regret of real music lovers. Since the band was a little heavy on bagpipes and horns, the effect was as hard on the ears as their outfits were on the eye. Since we Pervects have more sensitive ears than Klahds, I was ready to kill someone by the time they finished mauling Honywagen and struck up “A Pretty Girl is Like A Melody.”

A full color guard strode in time to the tune. The eight soldiers took positions at intervals along the white carpet, holding the Possiltum flag high. Ten more soldiers, Klahds in the peak of physical perfection, such as it is, marched in past the flag bearers, sabers drawn and held erect in front of their noses. At a cue, they formed an arch with their swords. The band halted in the middle of its song, and struck up the Possiltum marching song. Enter Big Julie, in his best armor, clanking with weapons.

There’d been a lot of discussion about who would be the General’s best man, but the former strongman turned out to be the perfect choice. After all, the tradition role of best man was to hold the door and keep unwanted visitors from intruding on the ceremony. Except for me, Guido, Chumley and a few of Don Bruce’s enforcers who were present as invited guests, Big Julie was the only person who was big enough and mean enough to prevent any potential interruptions. As soon as he reached the front of the room Hugh Badaxe appeared at the door.

If there was ever a groom who wasn’t nervous at his wedding I never met him. The big man had beads of sweat on his forehead under the crest of his helmet. He ought to be nervous; he was getting a terrific wife who had a lot of dangerous friends who’d still be looking out for her well-being even after she married him. The people around me backed further away. I realized I was smiling again. Still, he bore himself with military pride. Pretty good under the circumstances.