Michael Bray - Feed

‘I don’t need anything. Not from here. Too many bad memories around here, Amy. You. Tim, this house. All blame aside I need a clean break.’

‘Then have one. Stay in the city, I’ll give you the space you need, we can talk in a few weeks, I’ll talk to Robert and see if he can get your job back i—’

‘You’re doing it again.’

‘Doing what?’ she snapped.

‘Trying to run my life for me. I’m not a kid, Amy. I don’t need someone to tell me when to go to sleep, what to eat, what to wear. Jesus, why can’t you accept that this is over? I don’t want to try again. I don’t want to fix our marriage. I want to be by myself. Maybe one day we can be friends, but that’s all it will ever be.’

‘You would really throw all this away?’ She was giving him that look, trying to be seductive. He saw through it, though and wondered how it had ever swayed him in the past.

He almost laughed but managed to keep a straight face at the way she had said all this as if his life had been anything other than as an extension of her. ‘I don’t know how many more times I have to tell you. It’s done. We’re finished. Nothing you can say or do will change my mind.’

‘No, it can’t be. I made a mistake with Tim, I get that, and I regret it every day. I’ll never forgive myself. That’s all over now, I want to come back to you, I want us to fix this situation.’

If it were a movie or a book, Tyler would have glared at her and said something dramatic. Maybe something like ‘I’ll never forgive you either,’ or something equally damaging that would make him feel good. Instead, he decided to avoid any further confrontation and settled for the least inflammatory response he could.

‘Yeah.’

‘Well, I refuse to believe it’s over. I’ll fight as long as I have to I’ll do it until you see sense i—’ She froze, staring at the brown envelope he was holding towards her. ‘What’s that?’

He didn’t answer. She knew what they were. She had to know they had been coming.

‘Divorce papers?’ she said, for the first time realising he was serious.

Bingo, baby , his cool inner self said. The actual Tyler made fists with his toes in the carpet ala John MacLaine and waited for her to take the envelope.

She shook her head and stepped back, taking the scent of her perfume with her. ‘No. I won’t take those.’

‘That’s up to you. My lawyer can always mail them to you. It just needs your signature.’

‘I won’t let you do this, I won’t throw our marriage away,’ she said, but she took the envelope, clutching it to her chest.

‘The sooner you accept it’s over, the sooner we can both move on.’ Maybe Tim will have you back . He wanted to add that at the end and congratulated himself for holding back. He was about to close the door when she lurched towards him and grabbed his face, kissing him hard, probing her tongue into his mouth.

‘Let me make it up to you. Let me show you how much I love you,’ she panted, reaching for the clasp on his belt.

Uh-oh. This was bad. He was mentally strong and determined to do what he wanted, but the fact remained that his soon to be ex-wife was still incredibly attractive. Long red hair and green eyes, pale skin with a dash of freckles across her nose. Up close, he could smell her sweet scent of perfume and soap. She smelled clean, she smelled amazing. He was strong, but he wasn’t Superman. Like most men, it wasn’t always his brain that did the thinking. He started to kiss her back, pulling her towards him and thinking about what was to follow. A spectacular time in the bedroom no doubt, then… Then it would be back to how it was before. Back to a life he hated; he was nothing but a puppet to her.

He pushed her away, holding her at arm’s length. ‘No, I won’t do this. It’s not right.’

She glanced at the front of his jeans, still trying to use her body to win him over. ‘That says otherwise,’ she whispered, half-smiling.

‘No, I’m sorry. I’ve made my decision. I don’t need you. I don’t deserve this.’

He saw her hope fade and melt back into the impostor he had grown to know. It was remarkable. The sneer, the hardness around the edges came back and he realised that as beautiful as she was externally, inside she was still black and rotten. ‘It’s over, Amy.’

‘What makes you think you can last out there by yourself?’ she hissed at him, tears streaming, lip trembling. She wasn’t used to not getting her own way and he wasn’t sure if it was genuine or part of the act but didn’t care either way. ‘You alone in the world. It’ not a safe place, Tyler. There are crimes, murders. Fucking terrorists. You can live a safe life here. We can build something together. I’ll change if that’s what it takes.’

He shook his head. He had heard all this before. Things always seemed better for a week or so, then reverted to their old ways. ‘No. I need to be alone. I have issues I need to work out.’

‘Issues? You mean the drinking? Well, I’ve told you before, Tyler. You can’t run away from it. No matter where you go, you’ll still find yourself lost in the bottom of a bottle or propping up a bar somewhere.’

‘Maybe so, but that’s my decision to make. I’ll fix things my way, without your help.’

‘And how many years have you been saying that? Two? Three? You can’t stop. That’s what drove us apart. You can’t leave the drink alone.’

He didn’t want to get into that topic again, mostly because he knew she had a point. He was a borderline alcoholic, and maybe borderline was leaning on the optimistic side. He drank every day, most of the time heavily, and it was starting to take its toll. As if reading his thoughts, she went on. ‘I mean look at you, Jesus, have a shave, clean yourself up. You’ve got fat. Look at that stomach.’

He knew she was saying it to hurt him. This was her way when things didn’t go to plan, but he couldn’t deny that either.

He looked at his T-shirt and the paunch that strained against the material. ‘Look, are you going to sign the papers or not? I’m leaving in a couple of weeks and I want this all sorted out by then.’

‘I don’t want to sign the fucking papers.’ She rarely shouted, swore even less and he knew he had struck a chord. He waited as she took a breath and composed herself. ‘How am I supposed to find you if I have questions? You should at least stay until this is resolved.’

‘My lawyer is dealing with it. My side of the papers is already signed. It’s just waiting for you to do your part.’

She looked at the envelope, then at Tyler. ‘You’re not changing your mind, are you?’

He shook his head, and she seemed to deflate. ‘That surprises you, doesn’t it?’

She nodded. ‘This isn’t like you, Tyler. You were never so…’

‘Adventurous.’

‘I was going to say impulsive, but it serves the same purpose. Why can’t you see that this is a huge mistake? I know you, this isn’t you.’

‘I know me, too, and I know it is me. This is what I want. This is what has to happen. Like it or not, we’ve both changed over the years. Even without the whole Tim situation, I think this would have been inevitable eventually.’

She sighed, giving up the fight and giving him the rarest of things: A victory. ‘So what now?’ she asked.

‘Sign the papers once you’ve had them looked over and send them back to my lawyer. His contact info is in the envelope with the documents.’

‘Please tell me you’ve at least kept the savings account, something to fall back on.’

He shook his head. ‘I’m all in on this. I’ve lived safe for too long. I don’t want something to fall back on. All I want to do is enjoy life for a while. Everything else is just stuff.’