Once Dead, Twice Shy

I gripped the amulet harder. It had been with me for months now, the weight of it familiar and comforting. Without it, I wouldn't only be invisible, but insubstantial, able to pass through walls and closed doors. Black wing bait. Ghostlike. Maybe that was the key to it all. Not thinking slippery thoughts, but sort of finding a way to block the stone's influence.

Staring at the table, I sifted through my thoughts for the memory of that awful moment in the morgue. I'd been able to feel my heartbeat and the air move in my lungs as I breathed from reflex, but my body had been in the black body bag, unable to sense the coldness of the granite or the smoothness of the plastic surrounding it. I'd been divorced from it. The tie to my body had been broken. It just hadn't been there. And, scared, I'd run.

When I'd fled, the air had grown thin in me, like I was becoming as insubstantial as it was—almost equalizing. My knees had gone wobbly. The touch of real objects had hurt, as if grating upon my bone. It was only after Barnabas had come after me that I'd felt normal again. Only then had I been in a position to understand and recognize what I'd lost. With the lack of a body, the universe hadn't recognized me. That is, until Barnabas's amulet got close enough and it had something to grab on to again and bring me back in line with everything else.

Perhaps with the separation from my body, I'd lost what time and the universe used to pull me forward. Maybe the amulets were like artificial points that time and the universe could fasten onto and use to keep mind and soul in sync with the present. And if I could break those ties…

Anxious, I squirmed on the hard seat, believing I was on the right track. Eyes still closed, I fell deep into my thoughts and tried to see myself as a singular identity, tied to the present by the threads of the past. I could hear the noise around me: Josh slurping his drink, the jingle of the store's phone—and after months of learning how to concentrate, something finally went my way.

Excitement shot through me as I suddenly could see the line my life had made. Tense, I saw how I grew from a possibility to a presence, marveling at how my life wove in and out of other people's lives, and then the ugly snarl where I'd died, almost as if time or space were making a knot to hold itself together when a soul was cut out of it. It was as if the memory of others bound the darkness here where I'd left it, giving it shape by what was lacking, a ghost of a presence that burst suddenly back into existence when I had obtained an amulet. But now, time wasn't using my body to find my soul and carry it forward; it was using the amulet I had swiped from Kairos. The color, or maybe the sound, was different. It had been a dark blue up to the point when I had died, and then, an abrupt shift to a purple so black it had a tinge of ultraviolet in it. Like Nakita's.

My aura, I realized, wanting to drop everything and try to touch Barnabas's thoughts, but I brought my attention back. I felt myself shiver when I realized I could see my soul throwing lines of thought into the future—for thought must have to move faster than time. I could actually see the violet-colored lines extending from me into the future, pulling me on with the rest of the universe. What made it all work, what colored the lines from my death onward, was the amulet giving time something on which to fasten.

And if I could break some of those lines running from the amulet to the present, maybe I'd become invisible, like I'd been when I'd run from Barnabas in the morgue. Almost as if I wasn't wearing the stone even though it remained about my neck.

Anticipation made me shiver, and I unfocused enough of my attention to make sure I was still sitting with Josh and nothing was going on. This had to work. We were running out of time. I wouldn't destroy all the threads—just a few—and none of the lines that were pulling me into the future. Just the ones that tied me to this instant of right-this-second.

I took a slow breath that I didn't need, and as I exhaled, I plucked a thread that held me to the present. It separated like spider silk, making a soft hum of sound in my mind as it parted. Encouraged, I ran a theoretical hand between me and the present, taking out a larger swath. The rumbling from the snake pit seemed to echo through me. I could almost see the sound coming in waves in my imagination, passing through me to bounce against the far side of the booth.

"Madison?" Josh whispered, and my eyes flew open. I stared at the table, my fingers tingling. "It's working," he said, awe in his voice.

I inhaled as if coming up from deep water. My head snapped up and I stared at him. The sound of the skaters became real again, the imagined waves of sound gone but for in my thoughts. My heart pounded, and I felt dizzy, almost as if I was alive. Josh was staring at me, his blue eyes wide.

"It worked!" he said again, leaning forward over his fries. "You're back now, but I could see the seat behind you!" He glanced around to see if anyone had noticed. "It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Do it again," he prompted.

Relief filled me, and I shifted on the stiff cushion. "Okay. Here goes."

Nervous and excited, I settled myself with my palms flat on the table as I willed it to happen again. Eyes open, I stared at the sky visible through the front windows. My focus blurred, and I fell into my thoughts. I felt the stone's presence everywhere in my recent past, weaving a net to tie each moment of time to the next. It was easier now, and with a finger of thought, I touched the new violet web that had formed and made it shrivel and fall away. The sounds around me grew hollow and I felt the queasy sensation of going insubstantial. The thudding of my heart, even if it was only a memory, vanished.

"Holy smokes, Madison!" Josh exclaimed in a hushed rush of words. "You're gone!" He hesitated. "Are you…there? I don't believe this."

I concentrated, breaking a good number of threads as they shifted from the future to the present, making sure to leave enough to pull me forward. "I'm here," I said, feeling my lips move and hearing my words as if from far away. I brought my gaze to Josh, finding it easier with practice. His eyes were roving everywhere, focusing mostly on the seat behind me.

"Sweet," he said as he drew back. "I can hardly hear you. You sound creepy. Like you're whispering into a phone or something."

A tight hum at my ear told me Grace had abandoned the bell by the register. I turned to the bright light darting frantically about the booth, and my mouth dropped open. "I can see you," I whispered. "My God, you're beautiful." She was only a minute tall, even though her glow made her look softball-sized. Her complexion was dark and her facial features were delicately sharp. Gold shimmered around her to make her outline unclear, especially when she moved. I couldn't tell if it was fabric or mist. The blur of her wings made the hazy glow I'd been seeing.

Immediately the tiny angel came to a stop, focusing on my voice. She blinked in surprise, her eyes glowing like the sun. "I lost your song, Madison," she said. "I couldn't hear your soul anymore. Stop what you're doing. I can't see you."

It worked! I thought ecstatically. If my guardian angel couldn't see me, then neither would a reaper or timekeeper. "I'm invisible," I said, gazing at her in wonder.

"I can see that," she snapped, weaving in agitation. "Now stop it. It has to be a mistake. I can barely hear your soul singing. I can't protect you if I can't see you."

I moved my arm, seeing that it had a shiny white edge to it now, kind of what a black wing looked like on the end. Curious, I tried to pick up my glass. I shivered as the cold of the pop went straight to my bones, and I couldn't seem to tighten my fingers enough to get a grip. I wondered why I could sit on a chair without passing through, until I moved the balled-up straw wrapper. It must be that I was substantial enough to have some effect on the world, but not a whole lot. Taking a walk in a windstorm would probably be a bad idea. Maybe that's how Barnabas could fly.