Jenna Black - The Devil Inside

“It’s not that we are without emotions. And it’s not that we don’t feel guilt. You remember how Adam reacted when you told Dominic his demon wasn’t dead?”

I nodded. How could I forget? And yes, refusing to heal himself had obviously been a sign of guilt.

“We are by our nature a very pragmatic people. We will feel guilt and regret over something we feel we should have done differently. But we are better than humans at accepting those things we cannot change.”

I thought about that a bit, rolled the idea around my mind and tried to understand it. “So Adam could kill Dominic without remorse as long as he believed it was something he couldn’t change? Even though he’s very fond of Dominic?”

Lugh smiled gently. “He’s more than just ‘fond’ of him, but yes, that’s the point he was trying to make. When he’s had more experience with human thoughts and feelings, he’ll understand why that was the wrong time to make the point.”

I wasn’t sure there was a right time to make a point like that. For one thing, it showed me just exactly how much you could ever trust a demon. Knowing that no matter how much they cared about you, they’d be willing to kill you if the situation warranted was not a comforting thought. Lugh might think of it as “pragmatic.” I wondered if “ruthless” wasn’t a better word.

“I think there’s something else you should know,” Lugh continued. “Something that might help you accept Adam a little better.”

If he thought I was going to “accept” Adam, he was deluding himself. Naturally, I didn’t share my opinion, though I suppose he knew it anyway.

“Adam’s enjoyment of causing pain isn’t typical human sadism.”

Typical human sadism?

I think Lugh heard that thought, because a hint of a smile touched his lips, then vanished.

“A human who enjoyed the excesses that he does wouldn’t be so scrupulous about how he found his gratification. A human wouldn’t have tempered his tastes for his lover as Adam has for Dominic. There are many psychological traits that would accompany sadism of that level if he were human-a need to dominate and humiliate, for one-that aren’t present in Adam.

“I mentioned that he has not often walked the Mortal Plain. In our homeland, we are incorporeal, which means we do not have the sense of touch. It is not at all uncommon for young, inexperienced demons to be fascinated by the novelty of touch, and therefore to enjoy even sensations that a human would consider unpleasant.”

This conversation made me extremely uncomfortable-I try to be tolerant, but obviously I don’t always succeed-and I wanted it over as soon as possible. Unfortunately, my mouth didn’t get the memo and invited further comment.

“From what I can see, he enjoys giving it, not receiving it.”

“I’m sure he finds both appealing and fascinating.”

I remembered hearing his cries of pain when Dominic whipped him, and I remembered thinking it didn’t sound like he was enjoying himself one bit.

Apparently, Lugh read my mind and answered the question I didn’t want to ask.

“Even those who find the physical sensations fascinating usually have a limit to how much they can stand. I suspect Adam specifically instructed Dominic to pass his limits. No doubt it was the only way he could think of to atone for what he’d done.”

I supposed that made sense. There was no way I could interpret what had happened as anything other than penance, and for it to be penance, it had to be unpleasant. I wouldn’t exactly say I understood what Lugh was telling me. What I did understand was that I couldn’t always interpret Adam’s actions based on human psychology.

I guess it’s better to know that you don’t understand something. Prevents you from making incorrect assumptions, or at least lets you make fewer of them. I hoped.

“So now that you know all these things, will you go back to Adam’s house?” Lugh asked.

My cowardly insides shouted a frantic “no!” What I said instead was, “I’ll think about it.”

The tension returned to Lugh’s posture. “Don’t think about it. Just do it.”

I bristled. “You may be king of the demons, but you’re not the king of me. I’ll think about it.”

Lugh stood up. The eerie glow returned to his eyes as he stared down at me. “I suggest you think very, very quickly.”

“Or what?” I asked. I actually wasn’t trying to give him attitude-I just heard the undertone of threat and wanted to know what the threat was.

“Or I’ll have to resume my efforts to take control while you’re conscious.”

That brought me to my feet in a hurry. “Bullshit. If you could take control, you’d have done it by now.”

“When I first succeeded in controlling your dreams, I stopped trying to control your body. You’ve seen evidence that my control of your dreams has improved. Why would you think I won’t get better at controlling your body?”

My stomach really didn’t like this conversation. “You’re just trying to intimidate me into doing what you want. It won’t work.”

“Why do you think you had such a terrible headache this evening?”

That stopped me cold, but only for a minute. “Stress will do that to a person.”

“So will fighting a demon.”

I swallowed hard. “So you’re saying you were trying to take over and that’s why my head hurt?”

“Yes. I’d vowed not to interfere with your life any more than necessary, but when you flee the only person who can help you, I have to protect you from your own foolishness.”

It was my turn to growl. “I can protect my own damn self! Stay out of it.”

“Even supposing I could, I wouldn’t. Must I keep reminding you that there’s more at stake here than your own life? Are you so small-minded?”

“Yes!” I screamed, angry and scared and desperate. “I never wanted to be a fucking hero. If I wanted to be a hero, I’d have volunteered to host. I’m a small-minded, selfish little bitch who just wants to live her own small, unimportant life in peace. I never asked for fucking Raphael to torture the fucking king of the demons by foisting him on me!” I sucked in a great gulp of air-I’d said all of that so far without breathing-but before I could continue the tirade, Lugh closed the distance between us and enveloped me in his arms.

I tried to pull away, but he was far too strong for me. My face ended up pressed against his chest, his hand splayed on the side of my head to hold me there. The leather of his jacket was much softer than it looked.

His other arm wrapped around my shoulders in a solid, unbreakable grip. His chin rested on the top of my head. I inhaled deeply, trying to calm myself, and caught the delicious scent of him, that unknown, exotic, musky scent that was like nothing else I’d ever smelled.

“I’m sorry, Morgan,” he murmured, his hand rubbing gently over my back. “I’m so sorry you were dragged into this. I can’t tell you how much I wish it hadn’t happened, and not just because of the threat to me. I’ll do everything I can to make things better for you and to keep you safe.”

He felt so warm and strong against me that it sapped all my will. I slipped my arms around his waist and let him hold me, and tried for just a few minutes not to think.

One thing I’ll say for Lugh — he gives great hugs. By the time he let go, the hysteria that had threatened to overwhelm me was gone. I wasn’t quite at the acceptance stage yet-way too much fight left in me for that-but at least I was calm, steady, and rational.

He cupped my cheeks in his hands, tilting my head up toward his. For a moment, I thought he was going to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me, wanted to lose myself in sensual pleasure. But he didn’t, and it was just as well. I still loved Brian, and if by some miracle I lived through all this and persuaded him to take me back, I didn’t want to have betrayed him in even such a small way.