Jasper Kent - Twelve

Though it was light outside, the heavy curtains over all the windows kept the inside in a state of muffled dimness. On a table was a candle, which I lit. The looming shadows cast by the flickering flame did little to rekindle in the room the vitality with which I had always associated it. I began to ascend the stairs. The third and the fifth step both squeaked loudly as my foot fell upon them. It was after half past eight, but I knew that no one in the building would yet be preparing to rise. Business hours extended long into the night and so almost the entire morning was spent in sleepy recuperation. The sound of my approach awoke no one.

I crossed the landing and put my hand on the knob of Domnikiia's door. I listened before turning it. Inside I could hear nothing. What I had expected, I did not know. Somewhere in me there had been the urge to knock. This slight pause of apparent politeness served as some form of substitute for that. I turned the knob and entered.

Inside, all was familiar. Across from the door, Domnikiia's dressing table was filled with her cosmetic paraphernalia. To one side was her window; the bright light of day barely glowed through the shutters and thick curtains. Opposite was her bed. I could hear her light breath and saw the blankets rise and fall in time with it. It was a cold night and she was heavily wrapped in bedclothes. Only her beautiful face peeped out. Her long, dark hair, plaited into a ponytail, adorned the pillow beside her.

It would have been easy to just fling open the curtains and shutters, and let the day outside cascade through the window and on to her bed, destroying her bodily remains as I had seen it destroy both Iakov Zevedayinich and Pyetr, but I remembered the look of terror in Pyetr's eyes as the sun had first caught him and the fearful scream that Iakov Zevedayinich had expelled as he had swung out into the light. This, it seemed to me, was the death that they found most terrible and most painful. It was not what I wanted to inflict upon Domnikiia. With those two, and with all the Oprichniki, I had wanted them to be aware of their own deaths – wanted them to understand that I was the cause of their demise. That was why I had gone to the barn before dawn, to be sure that they would still be awake. With Domnikiia, it was just the opposite. There was no need for her to be aware of the brevity of her life as a vampire, or that it was I who had terminated it. Her real life had been ended by Iuda the previous evening. I was simply tidying up the mess he had left.

I placed the candle on the table next to the bed and sat gently beside her. The candlelight illuminated an apple nearby on the table, with two, perhaps three bites taken from it. The flesh had already begun to brown in the time since Domnikiia had eaten. It was surely the last meal she had eaten – the last palatable flesh that she would ever eat. I tried to look at her, but could not. I turned away from her and cradled my head in my hands, silently sobbing. Once again, I attempted to summon up my hatred. It was not a hatred for her, even though it was she who had willingly become this monster. It was a hatred for vampires and specifically a hatred for Iuda. The creature which now lay on the bed behind me was not Domnikiia; it was a creation of Iuda's – a body that he had consumed and then corrupted by making it a continuation of himself. It was as if Moscow had been under the French occupation. The streets and the buildings were beautiful and familiar, but they were nothing without the people who had built them and who lived in them. If destroying the French meant destroying the physical city of Moscow along with them, then amen to it. If destroying the monstrous spirit that lay on the bed beside me meant destroying the beautiful, familiar body that it had stolen, then amen to that too. The body was only a memento of the soul that had once occupied it. Governor Rostopchin (if in fact it had been Rostopchin) had proved himself a true patriot in instigating those fires which, though they destroyed so much of the city, made it uninhabitable for the marauding French. He had understood that the essence of the city was not in its structure but in its people. No true Russian would disagree with him.

But now I had to display the single-minded righteousness of Rostopchin. I had to destroy the physical for the sake of a greater good. The greater good was not Domnikiia's soul – that was lost for ever. It was her memory. If I could limit her existence in this altered state to a mere few hours, then at least the creature she had become could do nothing to debase the years of goodness of her life.

I pulled back the bedclothes to reveal her body, clothed in a simple nightgown. The silver crucifix which, despite all superstition, would have done nothing to protect her still hung around her neck. She murmured softly and raised her hand to her face to brush aside a straying hair, but she did not awake. Her hand fell back across her chest and lay as if cradling her heart. I gently nudged it and it fell lazily to the side of her body, leaving no obstacle that would distract my aim. I took out my wooden dagger and held it in both hands. I remembered our conversation when I had first been making it – in fact, making its predecessor. I remembered the look of fear in her eyes when I had waved it at her and shouted at her. Had she decided even then that she would choose this path and become a vampire? Or was that a decision that had come to her more recently?

I kneeled over her, resting the tip of the dagger on her chest, just above her heart. It merely required that I should drop my weight on to my hands and through them to the dagger and I would have ended the accursed existence of another of these creatures. How long, I wondered, would it take for Domnikiia's bodily remains to decay? For her there would be no collapse into dust as there had been for the others. Her death had occurred but twelve hours ago. That was scarcely any headstart at all. Once I thrust the blade into her and extinguished her life, her body would remain almost as perfect as ever, decaying only over a period of days and weeks just as though she had been a mortal woman. I closed my eyes and whispered a prayer for strength in what I was about to do. It would take only the briefest of action from me to shift my weight and plunge the wooden blade into her. I waited for the moment when strength and hatred would fill me and I would carry out what I had to do. And I waited.

I was no Rostopchin. I was no more capable of destroying something so beautiful as Domnikiia as I would have been of burning down Moscow if I had been handed a flaming torch and pointed towards the quarters of Bonaparte himself. I was a pathetic cousin of Othello. For me the victory of my love over my wisdom meant that I could not kill when all sense dictated that I should. It was beyond me, as if some power greater than I could not stand to see Domnikiia depart the face of the earth at this time; that all the love that had been poured into her creation could not be so easily cast aside.

And yet if I could not kill her, then what was I to do? Should I leave now and never see her again, hearing only occasionally of the strange death of some innocent that I would suspect had been caused by her? The regret would crush me. Every terrible death would be my fault for my inaction today. By choosing now not to destroy the creature that had come to inhabit Domnikiia's body, I would take on the responsibility for each death that she went on to bring about. Were I to die tomorrow in battle, or even today by my own hand (the thought had occurred to me), then the deaths of all those future souls would still be reckoned against mine at my judgement. To not plunge my dagger into Domnikiia was to damn my own eternal soul, and yet I could not do it. So I was damned. The very certainty of it opened up a new vista of possibilities. A new liberty was endowed upon me that allowed me to take any action, regardless of its moral consequences. Like a man sentenced to hang for a petty theft, I was now free to commit any crime I chose – freer, in fact, because the thief would still have to fear what came after his death.