Darren Shan - City of the Snakes

“Very well.” I clasp my hands, then open them. “You’re free. Go with my blessing. If you ever need help, I’ll be here and I’ll do what I can. But I won’t come looking for you. I won’t drag you back.”

“Thanks.” He stands and hands me a credit card. “Ford gave me that. I withdrew some cash earlier, to get me started. Is that OK?”

“Christ, Jeery, keep the damn thing,” I laugh. “You’ve earned it.”

“No,” he says tightly. “I don’t want your money. I’ll make my own way. I’m not sure how, but I’ll figure it out as I go along.”

“As you wish.” I take the card from him and toss it on the desk, then look at Ama and lick my lips. “Would you mind leaving us alone?” I ask Jeery.

“Ama?” he says.

She stares at me coldly, then sighs. “Will you wait for me outside, Al? I won’t be long.”

“OK. Holler if you need me.”

Jeery looks back once, makes a half-wave — I return it — then marches to the door and exits, leaving me alone with the woman whose love I crave, whose hatred I fear.

“Been a long time,” I grin sickly. “You’re as beautiful as ever.”

“You sacrificed me,” she says softly, coming straight to the point. “Dorak put it to you — me or his empire — and you chose the latter.”

“I had to,” I mutter shamefully. “He made me to need this above all else. My choice wasn’t my own — you know that.”

“Do I?” she replies icily. “I love you, Capac”—my hopes flare—“but I don’t want to.” And fade just as swiftly. “The love’s buried deep within me and I can’t ignore it.”

“Nor can I!” I protest. “I love you now, as I did ten years ago, but I had to put this city first. I’ll always have to. The Cardinal instilled that in me, just as he filled us with love for one another. I’m as helpless as you are.”

“I don’t think so,” she disagrees. “I like to believe you lacked free will. I even argued your case with Al because I don’t want to hate you. But The Cardinal made you differently. You’re unique. I think you had the freedom to choose.”

“You’d have died anyway,” I remind her stiffly. “All the Ayuamarcans did.”

She smiles sadly. “That hardly justifies your choice.”

“I did what I had to,” I insist, but I don’t know if I believe that. For ten years I’ve told myself I was a pawn, but part of me has always queried it. Maybe that’s why I suffer with nightmares in which I relive that moment of choosing and burn with shame at the memory of it.

“Let’s not argue,” Ama says, closing her eyes. “I’m here now. I came back, as I had to. I’m yours. Do with me as you wish.”

I start toward her, to take her in my arms, then stop uncertainly as she opens her eyes and stares at me hollowly. “No,” I croak. “Not like this. It’s not enough that you love me. You’ve got to want me. I won’t take you against your will.”

“You’ll have to,” she says, “because I don’t want you. I’ll never want you. But I love you and I’ll give myself to you. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to endure it — I guess I’ll wind up slashing my wrists in a tub late one night — but you can have me for as long as I last. You’ll get your money’s worth.”

I feel my lower lip quiver and bite down on it quick. I’m The Cardinal, and The Cardinal doesn’t cry, no matter what the circumstances. Steeling myself, I force a sneer. “You flatter yourself if you think I’d give my heart to a whore.”

Her jaw drops. “What?”

“That’s what you’re offering yourself as. You’ll give me your body, to do with as I please, while you lie back, close your eyes and dream of… who? Jeery? Is that who you’d rather be with?”

“I’d rather be with anyone than you,” she snarls, angry tears building.

“Then go,” I shrug, my soul disintegrating with the gesture. “The city’s full of whores. I won’t have difficulty finding another, one who’ll at least pretend her heart’s in it.”

“You… you don’t… want me?” she mumbles.

“Not like this. If you’d come to me with love, I’d have turned you into a queen and placed you above all others. But chaining yourself to me as a slave… that doesn’t tempt me. I can’t love a woman I can’t respect.” I turn my back on her and walk to the window, forcing the words from between my reluctant lips. “And I can’t respect a whore.”

The brutality is necessary. To free her, I must drive her away. She’ll never get over me, just as I’ll never get over her, but if I convince her that I don’t want her, maybe she can live without me. Ferdinand Dorak loved a woman who couldn’t love him back. Rather than imprison her, he behaved as a human for perhaps the only time in his life and set her free. I must do the same, even though I’m more of a monster than he ever was.

“Capac… I don’t understand… I thought…” She stops and stands. I’m captivated by her reflection in the glass. She’s staring at me, crying but smiling. I almost turn and run to her — but don’t. If I did, I wouldn’t be able to let her go. The monster would overwhelm me and she’d be devoured.

“Thank you,” she whispers. I pretend not to hear. Wiping tears away, she walks to the door, turns the handle and steps through, closing it gently behind her.

I stay by the window, gazing at the rear yard of Party Central, thinking about how I sacrificed Ama before and how I’ve given her up now. It was easier the other way. Life’s simpler if you face it as an emotionless beast.

I spot them exiting, black and white specks fifteen floors down. They go to their vehicles — a bicycle and moped — then stop and talk. I wish I could hear what they’re saying. A car pulls up and they exchange words with the passengers in the back. Jeery laughs, slaps the roof of the car, and it drives on. The pair share a few more words, then Jeery hands something to Ama. She ends the conversation by throwing her arms around him and kissing him. I’m too far up to tell whether it’s a kiss of passion or friendship. Then she turns, climbs aboard her moped and departs. Jeery leaves soon after, pedaling slowly, passing through the gates one last time.

I back away from the window and stare around my office, considering my position. I have everything Dorak made me to desire — power, influence, wealth, an army, a city… one day, perhaps, a world. I have more than any man before me, all the attributes and possessions of the gods, and I may well become one before I’m through.

But I’d give it all up if I could trade places with Al Jeery, receive that kiss from Ama, and just walk away to live a normal life and die and never come back.

We say nothing in the elevator going down. Ama’s crying. I’m not sure what went on in Raimi’s office, but I think things didn’t go quite the way she expected them to. I take my time walking from the elevator to the yard, knowing this is the last time I’ll ever make the walk, remembering my years as a Troop, the good years with Ellen, the lost years of drinking… the human years.

When we reach our bikes, I clear my throat. “Did you tell him where to get off?”

Ama smiles. “I told him the truth, that I loved him and would give myself to him, but if I had a choice I’d have nothing to do with him.” She pauses, eyes misting over. “He set me free.”

“Come again?”

“He said he didn’t want me. Told me I was a whore. Kicked me out with orders not to come back.”

I stare at her. “But I thought he was created to love you.”

She nods. “But he always enjoyed more freedom than the other Ayuamarcans. He had the ability to cast me aside. And he did, even though it pained him, for my sake.” Tears trickle down her cheeks, but they’re tears of happiness. “He’s alone, and always will be, but he set me free because he loved me and couldn’t bear to see me suffer.”