John Saul - The Devil's Labyrinth

And what? And she was lonely, and frightened, and miserable, and Tom Kelly had been there for her last night and helped her deal with the hospital and Ryan and the police and everything else Bill should have been there to help her with. But how could she say it? How could she say any of it without sounding cold and callous and uncaring that the only man she’d ever loved — ever intended to love — had died and left her alone to be lonely and frightened and miserable? But it was Bill that was dead, not her, and—

And she had to go on.

“Anyway, he’s a good man. You’d like him.” She managed a wan smile despite the bleariness in her eyes. “And Ryan will learn to — I know he will. Anyway, Tom was able to arrange a scholarship for Ryan, so it won’t cost us anything. I don’t like the idea of him living away at school, but it’s only for a year and a half, and it’s only a few miles away, so I’ll see him a lot.” She reached out and touched the headstone again. “And I hope it’s okay with you.” She fell silent again, then went on. “And I’m not talking about just Ryan, either. I’m talking about Tom, too. I hope you can understand about him, wherever you are.”

She turned over onto her back and looked at the sky through the leaves in the lone tree on the hill. “He misses you,” she said, a tear leaking out and sliding down the side of her face. “He keeps your picture on his desk. And I know he thinks I’m being disloyal by seeing Tom, but I hope someday he’ll understand. I know you want what’s best for both of us, and right now I need some help and some support.” Her voice began to tremble. “The kind you can’t give me anymore.” She fished in her purse, found some Kleenex and wiped her eyes. In the tree overhead a bird began to sing, and suddenly Teri felt lighter and strangely unburdened. “And Ryan needs a father figure. I’m not saying that I’m going to marry Tom or anything like that, but I think he’s going to be good for Ryan.”

Above her, the bird sang a few more notes, and Teri decided to accept the bird’s chirping as the sign she was looking for.

She smiled. “You should see Ryan, honey,” she went on, the tremble in her voice steadying as her tears dried. “He’s becoming a man. He’s so tall — the last time you saw him, he was still a little boy. Remember how gangly he was? Well, now he’s filled out, and started shaving, and every time I look at him, I see you. And he’s decided he wants to go to Princeton, which is another reason to send him to St. Isaac’s.”

The bird chirped one last time, and flew away and Teri got to her feet. “Got to get going,” she sighed, slung her purse over her shoulder, kissed her fingertips, touched them to the top of the headstone, and stepped back to stare at the name that was deeply engraved in the granite:

Captain William James McIntyre.

“Tom Kelly is a good man,” Teri whispered. “But he’s not you. There was only one of you, and you’re still my hero. And you always will be.” Tears welled in her eyes once more, but they were no longer those of the horrible, wrenching sorrow that had gripped her for most of the last two years. “I’ll come back soon,” she said. “No matter what happens between me and Tom, I’ll come back to tell you about Ryan.”

As the bird wheeled in the sky and came back to perch once more on the branch above her, Teri turned and began to retrace her footsteps on the path back to her car.

Bill had heard her, she was sure.

Heard her, and understood.

† † †

Clay Matthews watched silently as Brother Francis and two girls he didn’t know — but who must have done something wrong to earn them the penance of having to help pack up Kip’s belongings — finished clearing out Kip’s half of the closet. The weird thing was that after complaining all last year and most of this one that Kip had too much stuff, suddenly Clay was feeling like not only the closet but the room as well was far too empty. And it wasn’t that Kip’s stuff would soon be gone, but that Kip himself was gone.

He was gone, and he wouldn’t be back.

He was dead.

Even now the word didn’t seem quite real to Clay. In fact, it felt wrong; people his age didn’t die — old people did. People like his grandmother, who had died of cancer two years ago, and Mr. Endicott, who had lived across the street in Brookline, and had died last year just because he’d gotten too old.

But now Kip was dead and suddenly Clay wished he didn’t have to live in this room anymore. Last night, at least, he’d been able to turn the lights on when he couldn’t go to sleep, and look at Kip’s stuff, and sort of pretend that maybe it was all a mistake. But even last night he hadn’t really been able to make himself believe it. Somehow, in a way Clay didn’t quite understand, all the stuff that had belonged to Kip had changed. It was as if just overnight it had all turned into nothing more than old clothes nobody would want, and beat-up shoes that should be thrown away, and clutter that wasn’t really good for anything, but just filled up a lot of space.

And now it was all being packed up and taken away and instead of making Clay feel better it was just making him feel worse. Kip’s desk looked naked without his books and CDs, and the bed, stripped of its sheets, blankets and bedspread, didn’t just look bare.

It looked abandoned.

The gaping lid of Kip’s footlocker — now jammed with nearly everything Kip had owned — seemed almost like the maw of some kind of beast that was swallowing up every last trace of Clay’s roommate.

“Am I going to be in here by myself for the rest of the year?” he asked, doing his best to keep his voice steady.

Brother Francis shook his head. “I would be very surprised if a new student didn’t arrive tomorrow.”

An odd mixture of resentment and relief rippled through Clay. He didn’t really want another roommate, but he didn’t want to be alone, either. “Who?” he asked, even though it didn’t really matter. Whoever it was, it wasn’t going to be Kip.

Brother Francis shrugged. “I’m afraid that’s something no one consults me about,” he said. “I know there’s a waiting list, and I know there are at least a dozen names on it. If Father Laughlin hasn’t already made the decision, I suspect he will have by tomorrow morning.” He scanned the area around Kip’s bed and desk, and then turned to the two girls. “Good job — I think you two can be excused now.”

The two girls wasted no time scurrying out of the room before Brother Francis could change his mind, and after they were gone, Brother Francis laid a hand on Clay’s shoulder. “Are you going to be all right?” he asked, his eyes clearly reflecting the concern in his voice.

Clay nodded halfheartedly.

“Okay. I’ll go get a dolly for the footlocker. See you in a few minutes.” Brother Francis left the room, glanced back at Clay, then gently closed the door.

Clay took a deep breath, his eyes fixing on the bare mattress where just a few days ago Kip had sprawled, listening to his iPod, playing air guitar and drumming on his knees. And now he’d never see Kip again.

Never hear another one of his stupid jokes.

Never play cards with him.

He was gone.

But where? Where was Kip’s spirit, the presence of him that had always been in this room even when Kip himself was not? Was it in Heaven? Or was it in Hell, because he had killed that woman?

Or was it just gone?

Who knew what really happened to somebody’s spirit after they died?

Clay flopped down onto his bed, punching up the pillow beneath his head. As he gazed over at the bare mattress on the other side of the room, his eyes suddenly fell on the seam in the wainscoting next to Kip’s bed.