John Saul - Comes the Blind Fury

“I know.” Michelle pulled herself out of her mother’s embrace. Feeling helpless, June let her go. Nothing she could say would make Michelle feel better. Only Cal could give her the reassurance she needed, and June was sure that wasn’t going to happen. Unless she forced him.

When Cal still hadn’t come back downstairs thirty minutes later, June made the rounds of the lower floor, locking up and turning off the lights. Then she mounted the stairs, stuck her head in to wish Michelle a final good night, and went down the hall to the master bedroom. She found Cal already in bed, propped against the pillows, reading a book. Next to him, sleeping peacefully in her bassinet, was Jennifer. For a moment, June found the scene disarming, but she quickly realized what Cal was doing.

“You aren’t that tired,” she announced. Cal looked at her blankly.

“What?”

“I said you aren’t that tired. Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me.” Her voice was quivering with anger, but Cal still only stared at her in puzzlement.

“I heard you. I just don’t know what you meant.”

“It’s simple,” June said coldly. “Half an hour ago, when I suggested you bring Jennifer upstairs — so that you could play with Michelle — you seemed to think it was much too early. And here you are, tucked happily in bed.”

“June—” Cal began, but she cut him off.

“Oh, come on. Do you really think I don’t know what’s going on? You came up here to hide. To hide from your own daughter! For God’s sake, Cal, don’t you know what you’re doing to her?”

“I’m not doing anything!” Cal said, almost desperately. “I just — I just …”

“You just can’t face her. Well, you’re going to have to, Cal. What you did down there was cruel. All she wanted to do was play a game with you. Just a simple, little game. My God, if your guilt is weighing on you so much, I’d have thought you’d be dying to play with her, if only so you could let her win. And then calling Jenny ‘princess,’ Didn’t you realize what it would do to Michelle? That’s always been your nickname for her!”

“She didn’t even notice,” Cal said, his voice sullen.

“How would you know? You won’t even look at her anymore. Well, let me tell you, Cal, she noticed. She almost started crying. I think the only reason she didn’t was that she was afraid no one would care. My God, can’t you understand what you’re doing to her?”

Her anger suddenly dissolving into frustration, June burst into tears and crumpled onto the bed. Cal gathered her into his arms, rocking her gently, his mind whirling with her accusations.

“Don’t, darling,” he whispered. “Please, don’t.”

June forced herself to relax in his arms. He was her husband, and she loved him; what was happening was really no more his fault than Michelle’s. It was something that had happened, that’s all. Something they would have to get through.

Together.

She sat up and dabbed at her eyes with a Kleenex from the nightstand.

“I’ve done something,” she said. “You aren’t going to like it, but we have to do it.”

“Done something? What?”

“Corinne Hatcher’s friend, the school psychologist. I’ve asked her to set us up an appointment with him.”

“Us? All of us?”

June nodded.

“I see.”

The concern that June had seen in his eyes only seconds before faded abruptly, like a curtain being drawn. When he spoke again, his voice was icy.

“Are you sure all of us need to go?” he asked, drawing the covers around himself.

“What do you mean?” June’s voice was guarded; she could sense something coming, but wasn’t sure what.

“I wish you could have heard yourself a few minutes ago,” Cal said smoothly. “You didn’t sound quite — well, rational is the word, I think.”

June’s mouth dropped open in astonishment. For a moment all she could do was stare at him. Was he really saying what she thought he was saying? It didn’t seem possible.

“Cal, you can’t do this.” She could feel her control slipping away from her. Tears were welling up again, and the anger she had thought was dissipated was flooding back.

“I haven’t done anything, June,” Cal said reasonably. “All I did was bring Jenny up, put her to bed, and then go to bed myself. And the next thing I know, you come in, raving like a maniac, insisting that I’m some kind of monster, and telling me I need to go into therapy. Does that sound rational to you?”

June rose from the bed, her eyes blazing. “How dare you?” she shouted. “Have you completely lost your mind? Are you really going to do this? Are you really going to go on defending yourself, trying to pretend nothing’s wrong? Well, you listen to me, Calvin Pendleton. I won’t tolerate it. Either you agree, right now, to go with me to see Tim Hartwick, or I swear, I’ll take Michelle and Jennifer, and I’ll leave you. Right now. Tonight!”

She stood in the middle of the room, waiting for him to speak. For a long time their eyes remained locked in an angry challenge. When finally the moment came, the moment when one of them would have to surrender, it was Cal.

His eyes flickered, then he looked away from her. He seemed to sink into the bed, the tension in his body suddenly released.

“All right,” he said softly. “I can’t lose you, I can’t lose Jennifer. I’ll go.”

Michelle started back to her room, her hip throbbing, barely able to make her crippled leg function.

She had heard the fight, heard her mother screaming at her father. She had tried not to listen at first, but then, as her mother’s shouting suddenly stopped, she had gotten up and crept out into the hall. Still hearing nothing, she had moved painfully down the hall, stopping only when she was right outside their door.

And she had listened.

At first, she had heard only a low murmuring of voices, but couldn’t make out the words.

Then her mother was screaming, threatening to leave, telling her father she was going to take them all away.

Michelle, in the hall, had heard nothing then but the sound of her own heart pounding, felt nothing but the excruciating pain in her hip.

Finally she had heard her father. His words echoed in her ears: I can’t lose you. I can’t lose Jennifer .

Nothing about her.

She crept back to her room and got into bed. She pulled the covers up tight around her neck and lay there, her small body shivering, her mind whirling.

It was true. He didn’t love her anymore.

Not since that day when she had fallen off the bluff.

That was the day the good things had stopped, and the bad things had started.

All she had left was Amanda.

In all the world, there was only Amanda.

She wished Amanda would come to her, talk to her, tell her everything was going to be all right.

And Amanda came.

Her dark figure, like a shadow in the night, moved out of a corner of the room, drifted toward Michelle, holding out her hand, reaching out, touching her.

The touch felt good. Michelle could feel her friend drawing her close.

“They were fighting, Mandy,” she whispered. “They were fighting about me.”

“No,” Amanda said. “They weren’t fighting about you. They don’t care about you. They only love Jennifer now.”

“No,” Michelle protested.

“It’s true,” Amanda’s voice whispered, soft in her ear, but insistent. ‘It’s all happening because of Jennifer. If it weren’t for Jennifer, they’d love you. If it weren’t for Jennifer, you wouldn’t have fallen. Remember how they were teasing you? It was about Jennifer.

“It’s Jennifer’s fault. All of it.”

“Jennifer’s fault? But … but she’s so small …”