Linda Singleton: Dead Girl Walking

This was worse.

I couldn’t unzip my way out of this body. I wasn’t me, yet I wasn’t Leah, either. A non-person, that’s what I was — except on the inside I felt like the same Amber Borden. Whatever equaled identity was beneath the skin: fears, hopes, feelings, and memories. I knew who I was — but how could I convince anyone else? Especially as a hospital prisoner with no phone privileges and zero strength to get out of bed? I had to figure out a way out of this mess … but I was just too tired.

So instead of coming up with a plan, I went back to sleep.

* * *

My dreams danced to soul music, soaring with no boundaries. Free from restrictions, I flew backwards into memories.

Zoom in, camera-like, to the rustic lake community of Sutton Pines, to a shady tree-lined street winding into the paved driveway of 43 Molly Brown Lane. Flowering bushes and a brown picket fence welcome visitors into a cozy, two-story, wood-sided house. Pan up to the round attic window, and close in on two thirteen-year-old girls huddled around a plain brown box. Oh, how well I knew that private attic hideout and those girls — and especially that box!

The box was the result of whispered secrets and hard-earned babysitting money. Alyce and I had conspired for weeks. When the package finally arrived, I snatched it up and immediately called her. She came over ASAP, bursting into my bedroom. We couldn’t wait to open our prize.

“Will it work?” Alyce asked as I ripped off the paper.

“It better for $49.95!” I told her.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this!”

“Why not? You thought it was a great idea.”

“But now I’m not so sure,” she said, gnawing on her black-polished pinky. “Maybe it’s too unnatural … shouldn’t we be satisfied with what nature gave us?”

I nailed her with a dead-on stare. “Are you satisfied?”

“No, of course not.” She frowned at her chest. “A’s are good when it comes to grades, but not bra size.”

“Exactly. B-minus isn’t that great either.”

“So open the box already!”

Holding my breath, having no idea what to expect, I pushed back cardboard flaps, tossed aside bubble-wrap, and pulled out our very own, guaranteed-to-add-two-cup-sizes-or-your-money-back, “Mammo-Glamm.”

Unfortunately it wasn’t very glamorous. Hand-size plastic pink paddles connected by a coiled spring. We read the directions over and over, then practiced extending our arms straight out, grasping the Mammo-Glamm between our palms and then pumping in and out. After six weeks we only gained sore muscles — without enhancing even one measly cup size! Our pathetic little boobies remained pathetic and little. And the Mammo-Glamm Company never did refund our money.

Dreams shifted as I drifted back to consciousness. Tossing from side to stomach then back to side, I couldn’t get comfortable. Something hard and round poked my chest — two somethings actually. I reached up to push away these annoyances, and found them attached.

“What the—!”

Memory crashed in like a ceiling of bricks. I longed to go back to my dream, to be flat-chested and happy Amber.

Before I could sink too deep into depression, I heard a snicker, and looked over at the foot of my hospital bed. I saw a skinny blue-eyed boy, about nine or ten. His curly, dark-blond hair was pulled back under a blue bandana, and he wore a leather jacket and baggy black jeans.

He was a stranger.

But then so was I.

“Why you touching your boobs?” His cynical, crude tone seemed at odds with his young face.

“I wasn’t,” I retorted. From the inside, Leah’s voice didn’t sound as sweet as I remembered.

The boy crossed the room to stare down at me. His scowl gave a strong hint that he didn’t like me very much. Who was he anyway?

“I know you don’t want me here, so just tell me why and I’ll get out,” he said bluntly.

I cringed under those hate-filled blue eyes. “Why what?”

“You know.”

“Yeah, like not.”

“Liar! You can’t fool me. I know all your tricks.”

I almost snapped back angrily, until advice from The Bait of Debate popped into my head: To succeed in a confrontational situation, project calmness and curiosity . “I don’t understand,” I said. “Who are you?”

He snorted. “Acting dumb isn’t gonna work.”

My throat burned, so I just shook my head.

“Come off it, Leah.”

“I–I’m not … not her.”

“You’re so full of it, and you look like crap.” He reached out for a plastic pitcher of water and poured some into a glass, then handed it to me. “Here.”

My hand shook as I took the glass and lifted it to my lips. Cool water eased some of the pain but I still ached with confusion. I couldn’t figure this kid out. He seemed to hate me, yet he offered me water.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“Since when do you thank me?” He took the glass back and set it down on the tray. “Usually it’s ‘get lost, vermin’ or ‘bug off, brat.’ You must really be sick.”

You have no idea, I thought wearily.

He plopped down on the corner of the hospital bed and pulled out a shiny pocketknife. It was larger than his hand, with a wicked etched dragon design. I recoiled, afraid he’d flip out a menacing blade and stick me, but he just idly rubbed his thumb over the etched dragon.

“Dad’s pissed off, and Mom’s freaking out more than usual,” he said, gazing down at the dragon.

“Dad? Mom?”

“Well … duh. They’re so messed up it’s pathetic.”

“Your parents?’

“Duh. Who else?”

“Do I know them?”

“Ha! The whole poor pitiful Leah act, like that’s going to work. Faking a lost memory won’t get you out of trouble.”

His chilly expression was similar to the cringe-worthy stare Leah had given me during the “puffin” incident. “You’re her … Leah’s … brother?” I guessed.

“And her memory returns,” he mocked. “Hallelujah! It’s a miracle!”

I took that as a “yes.” Obviously Leah and her brother weren’t close, but this hostility seemed extreme.

“I won’t ask where you got the pills,” he said accusingly. “I already know.”

“What pills?”

“The ones you swiped from Mom’s bathroom cabinet.”

“I did not!”

“Did, too. I just wanna know why.”

I shivered under my blankets. “Why what?”

“Why you took the damned pills?” He balled his fists, his knuckles showing blood-red tattooed symbols. “I just don’t get it. You got everything, so why try to check out?”

Good question, I thought, and wished I knew the answer. Why would Leah throw her perfect life away? Well she could have it back. Wealth, beauty, and popularity sounded cool in theory, but I’d rather return to my own imperfect body.

“I already know more than you think I do, so there’s no reason to lie.” He clutched the knife in his fist, glaring harder. “Why take the pills?”

“I didn’t.”

“Stop freakin’ lying.”

“I–I’m not.”

“Is this about Chad? ’Cause he cheated on you?”

“Chad?” I tried to place the familiar name.

“Your boyfriend,” he said sarcastically. “Okay, act dumb and don’t tell me anything. I’m used to being ignored. No one gives a crap about me. I should thank you, I guess, ’cause you’ve screwed up more than me now. Dad’s so pissed at you, he’s eased up on me. I should have been the one taking pills, the way Dad’s always on my case. You can do anything you want, and they give you everything. I get crap.”

“S-sorry.”

“Like you care,” he snarled. “Save it for Mom or Dad or your posse of dumb girls.” Then he jumped up and strode out of the room, nearly bumping into a tall, dark-blond man in a tailored suit with dark gray tie.