Simon Clark - Humpty's bones

As Curtis fought his battles by phone Heather murmured, ‘Tibia, ribs, though not quite a full set. Vertebrae. Shins. Part of a pelvis. Do you know what we’ve got here?’

‘What?’ Eden had been so wound up by this couple’s insensitivity that she’d not been listening. If anything, she found herself thinking about her apartment. The stench of smoke that clung to everything. The heat in the kitchen had melted the windows so they hung down the wall like surreal icicles. The mess, the bloody awful, stinking mess.

‘Eden, do you know what we’ve got here?’

‘I don’t care.’

‘Pardon?’

‘I’m sorry that my mother asked you to put me up. It’s not working out. In the morning I’ll — ’

‘Oh, don’t let Curtis bother you. It’s just his way. Ever since he set up this studio he’s been like an old dog with a sore backside. Growl, growl, growl… I don’t even listen to what he says half the time. Water off a duck’s back. Now, see this ankle joint. Hardly any wear.’

Eden stared in disbelief. How can anyone take part in what had been a bullying interrogation, then switch subjects like nothing had happened?

Heather pressed on, clearly fascinated by the skeleton. Eden could smell the wet soil. It added to the oppressive air of the house. She longed to go out into the fields and walk and walk until sheer exhaustion released the emotional pressure she felt building inside of her. Heather purred her observations as she lovingly touched each bone in turn. ‘No sign of disease, or wear, certainly no arthritis in the big ball joints of the hips. We’re looking at the skeleton of a youth, I’m sure of it. Late teens at the most. From the lightness of the bones I’d say he was slightly built. Almost willowy you could say. Eden? We’ve been thugs, haven’t we? You come here as our guest and we’ve talked about that fire like it was nothing more than broken plate. You must have been devastated, poor thing.’

‘It’s not fair!’

‘Of course, it isn’t. The boy who started the fire must have been psychotic.’

‘No, I meant — ’

‘Wait here. Time for more medicine.’

‘No, I meant you’ve not been fair.’ But Heather had already vanished through the low doorway and so didn’t hear. Meanwhile, in the passage, Curtis loudly reminded the luckless Wayne that all studio bookings required a deposit.

‘Poor Wayne,’ Eden breathed. ‘Poor me.’

For some reason, Heather was delayed long enough for Eden’s temper to cool. By the time Heather returned with two more bottles of wine, Eden had begun to take an interest in the trays of coins. One about the size of her thumbnail revealed a human figure through the corrosion.

‘That’s one of the better preserved ones.’ Heather filled Eden’s glass. ‘Medicine. Drink up.’

‘I can make out a man; although it’s faint. Almost a ghost.’

‘If he’s wearing clothes it will be an emperor, if he’s nude it will probably be a god. Roman gods loved to disrobe.’

‘It’s impossible to tell. It’s so worn.’

‘It’ll have gone through a lot of Romano-British hands, no doubt buying flagons of ale. The money might have even belonged to Humpty here.’

‘Humpty?’ For the first time in a while Eden smiled.

‘We have to call this mess of bones something. Humpty Dumpty makes sense. At least until I’ve put him back together again.’ She perused the bones. ‘But I’m missing a skull. I have almost a complete human skeleton, but no skull.’

‘Only the coins can’t be his.’

‘Hmm?’ Thoughtful, Heather laid neck vertebrae in a line extending from the collar bone.

‘The coins. I mean they can’t all be his, can they?’

‘What makes you think that?’

‘Humpty’s bones were found beneath the coins. You said some are twentieth century.’

‘Of course, you’re right. Yes, absolutely — some date from the 1990s.’

‘So, why have generations of people dropped coins into that exact spot at the bottom of your garden?’

Heather scratched her nose with a dirt crusted finger. ‘There was a circular depression there; something like a bomb crater, but only about so big.’ She held out her hands to indicate a yard across. ‘It did look peculiar, though. It was quite deep. At the time I thought that it might be where a tree had been taken out and the root had pulled out a big chunk of soil. At the bottom of the crater was a hole. I assumed a rabbit had dug it.’

‘That’s where people had been dropping in coins through the centuries.’

Heather pursed her lips as she thought about it. ‘I guess you’re right. Perhaps it was the equivalent of a wishing well. You know, toss in a penny and make a wish. So, Humpty.’ She addressed the skeleton. ‘You’ve been lying there while folk chucked money at you. Hardly resting in peace, is it?’

‘Or they were paying him?’

‘Come again?’

Eden nodded at the bones that so much resembled dirty twigs. ‘Paying him. Making offerings of coins.’

‘Paying him to do what?’

‘Stay where he is. Not to harm them.’

Heather stared for a moment, then gave sharp-sounding laugh. ‘That’s beautifully imagined, Eden.’

‘Don’t laugh. It’s possible.’

‘You mean for the last eighteen hundred years men, women and children have been creeping furtively up to the hole and dropping their hard cash into it before scurrying away again before a bony hand darts out to grab them by the ankle?’

‘I’m serious, it adds up.’

‘Now you’re pulling my leg, Eden. Here let me top you up. Is that the time? I must switch the oven on.’

‘I’ve beaten you to it.’ Curtis stooped to enter through the low door. ‘The pizzas are already in.’

‘Is Wayne coping at the studio?’

‘The bloody fool. He didn’t realise that all he needed to do was to turn down the thermostat to lower the heating. He’s had the Dutch band cooking in the control room as they’ve worked on a sound mix. If Wayne screws up one more time… ’ He helped himself to wine. ‘Stick with your work, Eden. It’s got to be less stressful than running a recording studio. Ah, your bony wee chap has got a neck now.’

Eden said, ‘He’s also got a name — Humpty.’

‘Yes. Humpty Dumpty. What happened to his head?’

‘Ah, that’s the mystery,’ Heather sighed. ‘I’ve nearly a complete skeleton, as far as I can judge.’

‘Only no noodle bone?’

Eden made a point of joining in (to ensure talk didn’t drift back to the arson), ‘No human skull, although Heather’s found a dog’s jawbone.’

‘And parts of the cranium along with an eye ridge.’

‘It doesn’t surprise me. They’re crazy about dogs round here. They even called the village Dog Lands. We’re in Dog Star House, and there’s all kinds of Dog Lanes, Hounds Heaths. Plus there’s a weird carving of a dog in the lintel above the church door. The whole place must be barking mad.’

His wife tutted. ‘Wait until I’ve got more wine inside of me before you go cracking jokes like that.’ She took a hefty swallow. ‘Hmm. Before I forget: Eden has a theory about the coins.’

‘Why there are so many of them? And from different centuries. I must admit that’s a strange one.’

‘Eden thinks… ’ A little smile played on Heather’s lips. ‘People put money in the hole where the bones were to appease Humpty’s ghost.’

‘No, I didn’t say that.’ Eden flushed.

‘As near as. You thought they were offerings.’

Curtis chuckled. ‘Did you hear that, Humpty?’ He crouched down to look at the bones at eye-level. ‘If you stay there like a good skeleton I’ll bring you a slice of pizza later. What do you say, old chum?’