Brian Keene - Terminal

The question threw me for a moment.

“No. Why?”

“Well, many people do, yet the chances of a fire are one in one thousand three hundred. You have automobile insurance, I presume?”

Rather than telling him that the policy was about to expire if we didn’t pay the premium, I just nodded.

“Of course you do. All drivers in this state are required to. Yet the odds of being in an accident are only one in two hundred and fifty.”

“So what’s your point, Mr. Myers?”

“My point is that your odds in this case are one in one. It’s a service that everyone eventually needs. And my family has been providing that service for over a half century. In short, we can help you.”

“Okay, okay. I get the picture. Look, let me be straight up with you. I’m not interested in a sales pitch. I need cold, hard facts, not a brochure.”

“I understand, and I apologize if I came across that way. We don’t view it as selling, Mr. O’Brien. Easing a difficult time is our objective. We offer nothing less than total perfection, and we demand that of ourselves as well. You may be wondering how we do that. Well, by not losing our compassion for the families we serve. Who is the deceased, if I may ask?”

“I am. I’m the—the deceased. Well, I will be soon, at least. I—I have cancer. At a very advanced stage.” I almost added It’s growing at an alarming rate but didn’t.

He paused, then found his way around the roadblock and back into the sales pitch.

“I see. How regretful. How tragic. You certainly have my condolences, Mr. O’Brien. You would not be the first person we’ve assisted in a similar situation, but it always saddens me deeply. Of course, prearranging your funeral service is something we can assist you with as well, obviously. People often feel uncomfortable talking about it. Many think that prearrangement means a preoccupation with death, but that is simply not true. Rather, it is a personal tool for a family’s emotional and financial preparation. Many of our customers prearrange their own funerals. In your case, I think it is very much the right and honorable thing to do. Have you conferred with the rest of your family?”

“Not exactly. Sooner or later I guess I’ll have to, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. It’s hard to bring up.”

“I certainly understand. Well, the first step is to get together with your family. Offer them your thoughts and listen to theirs carefully as well. I would strongly recommend that you pursue that course of action before we proceed. If you consider it for a moment, Mr. O’Brien, you’ll see that your funeral will most directly affect your family, so it is essential to include their suggestions in your plans. When will you have the opportunity to speak with them regarding this? Perhaps they could accompany you back here, or we could make an appointment to meet with you all in your home?”

“To be honest, right now, I just wanted to get an idea how much it was going to cost and everything, you know? What all’s involved and stuff like that?”

“Very well.” He gave me a curt nod and continued. “Normally, the next step, as I said, would be to arrange a conference between myself and your family members. During that meeting, we would discuss the funeral choices that will help to create a tribute that is appropriate and meaningful to you all.”

“Is there a charge for that?”

“For the counseling meeting with the family, Mr. O’Brien?”

“Yeah. How much does that cost?”

He cleared his throat and began to repeat himself. “Well, that’s all part of the process, you see. Funding a prearranged service eases the financial burden on your family members. It allows you to be assured of an adequate fund for future payment. However, in a case like yours, an exception would have to be made. If you don’t mind my saying so, I take it that I’m correct in assuming that a five-year financing plan is not something you’d be interested in?”

“Yeah, you could say that. In five years, the whole thing would be kind of moot.”

“I see. And how would you be paying for any services rendered by us?”

“Cash and up front.”

He brightened.

“Have you given any thought as to what type of service you would like?”

“I don’t know. I’m Irish, so I guess a wake would be kind of cool. I could see my friends hanging out and getting drunk over the casket, you know? Pump some tunes in, maybe turn the bass up. That would be all right.”

“Sadly, I’m afraid that we do not allow alcoholic beverages on the premises, Mr. O’Brien. You need a liquor license in the state of Pennsylvania to do that.”

“Oh. Well, that’s okay. My wife would have probably shit a brick if we did something like that anyway.”

He flinched, then asked again.

“So, other than a wake, do you have any preferences?”

“What do you recommend? To be honest, I really haven’t been to too many funerals. My dad died when I was young and I don’t really remember his. My mom’s was a few years back, but it wasn’t much. Don’t take that personally, though. Mom didn’t have any money. Your competition across town did that one. Didn’t they go out of business since then?”

He gave a polite chuckle.

“Yes. Indeed they did.”

“Well, there you go.”

There was an uncomfortable moment of silence between us and I could feel the sales pitch building in him again.

“Hey, Mr. Myers, let me ask you something. You ever see that horror movie where the undertaker is shrinking people’s corpses down and turning them into dwarves? Had those flying silver balls in it and this little kid and an ass-kicking ice-cream delivery guy that fought them?

Phantasm, I think it’s called?”

He frowned. “No, I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of viewing that particular film. Why do you ask?”

“Well, in the movie, the undertaker sticks a long needle in this one guy’s body, and pumps this yellow stuff into his veins while his blood is pumped out. The whole machine looks like two blenders strapped together or something. Just wondered if that’s how it happens in real life.”

“I can assure you, Mr. O’Brien, that kitchen utensils are not used during the embalming process.”

“Oh. Well, in any case, that movie was the bomb.”

“Perhaps we should get back to discussing your service.”

“Sure.” I could tell that I was getting under his pompous skin, and I liked it.

“Keep in mind that your service should represent an opportunity for your friends and family to reflect on your life and to honor your memory. There is, of course, no single style of funeral. No one template. That is why I must insist on input from you. I can offer suggestions, of course. There is a lot to think about, Mr. O’Brien. Without sounding morbid, my staff can help notify your loved ones, arrange everything, take care of securing the death certificate and the necessary permits—”

“Permits? You mean you need a permit to get buried in this state?”

“Indeed.”

I shook my head in disbelief.

“So what else can you guys do?”

“Well, we would also coordinate all the details of the service with the clergy involved. If I may ask, are you a religious person, and if so, what doctrine?”

“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully, “but I intend to find that out before the day is over with. That’s actually next on my list of things to do.”

“I see,” he said, even though he clearly did not. “Well, whatever you decide your religious denomination is, Mr. O’Brien, we can arrange that for you as well.”

“What about—my body and stuff? What happens with it after I’m dead?”

“We would, of course, take care of your body and arrange it for cremation or burial. Do you have a preference regarding these two choices?”