Tracey Ward - Writing on the Wall

“You’re not supposed to be out here.” I hear a voice say to me from across the grass.

I raise my hand, waving to them faintly. “Sorry, I just… I needed some air. I won’t leave this spot okay? Just five minutes?”

The guard hesitates and I wish I knew some of them. I wish I’d made more friends and had more pull. Don’t tell Vin.

Finally he nods silently and goes on about his patrol but I know he won’t go very far. That’s okay. This won’t take long.

I look around the ground furtively, cursing the sparseness of this area but this is as far out as I can get. Whatever I find in here is going to have to suit me. What I could do is go inside and forget the whole thing. It’s not like it matters. It’s not like he’ll ever see it. It’s not like he’s here.

My heart pangs at the idea of him locked inside these walls and I want to write this message more than ever if only to prove to myself that it will go unnoticed. That he’s not here. Finally I spot a small stone that looks like it will do. I snatch it up in my trembling, cold fingers. Then I write. I write with simple honesty something I would never have had the nerve to write on the outside but wish desperately that I had. It’s nothing huge. Nothing profound. But it’s heartfelt and real and I imagine as I write it on this wall in this prison that the words are appearing on our wall on the outside. That this message will reach him no matter where he is. That he’ll think of me and that sliver of my soul that I left with him to travel wherever he goes will light up like the sun and run with him again. He’ll carry me far away from here, outside these walls, beyond these waters and I’ll be home again. Just four words to fly me away forever.

That night I don’t think any of us sleep. I see Lexy before going to bed and when I ask her if she’s gotten the names of the new gang members in the Pod she shakes her head sadly. Tim has never seen them either, only heard of them. She tells me they’re from a gang called The Elevens, some reference to the Eleventh Hour, but I’ve never heard of it. I never got the name of Ryan’s gang anyway. I’m more convinced with each passing second that he is one of them and the writing I left on the wall is burning in my mind like a brand. I’m dying to walk past it but terrified as well. What if there’s a response?

I decide to lie down and toss and turn in my bed instead.

At least that’s the plan, until a hand clasps over my mouth. Second time since I’ve been here and I still don’t like it. When my eyes pop open I come face to face with Vin, his handsome features shrouded in darkness giving him a sinister quality.

But I know it’s him. I’m know I’m safe.

So why do I backhand him across the face? Because he knows better, that’s why.

He doesn’t cry out as Lexy did when I hit him or even as Ryan did when I punched him for messing up my night. He simply looks away for a moment, takes a calming breath and looks back at me with hard eyes.

“You think I deserved that?” he asks tightly.

“If not for startling me awake then I’m sure somewhere at some point in your life you earned that.” I whisper angrily.

“Fair enough. Come on.”

“Where?”

“Outside.” He stands, offering me his hand. “We have to talk.”

I ignore his hand but I follow him out of the dark room, leaving the soft sounds of even breathing and light snoring behind us. He leads me silently through the hallways and out the door, the same door I burst out of earlier tonight. It’s even colder now. I can see my breath coming in small puffs of white in front of me. There’s no one patrolling nearby and I imagine we have a small window of opportunity to talk and freeze before the next guard comes by.

“Merry Christmas.” he says quietly, pulling something from his back pocket.

I frown in confusion then smile in delight when I see what it is. It’s a shiny, sharp trowel with a holly green handle. It’s stolen from the gardens for sure. It is the single greatest gift I’ve ever received.

“It’s so pretty.” I whisper happily, turning it over to test its edge.

“I promised you something shiny.”

“And you delivered.” I press my finger against the tip then pull it back quickly. “It’s sharp.”

“Why else have it, right? Keep it with you when you can. If something goes down while I’m gone I want to know you have it.”

I nod my head as I slip it into my back pocket. The handle sticks up but the point is hidden.

When I look up at Vin my heart skips. His eyes are sharp, intense.

“Come with me.” he commands quietly.

“No.” I reply immediately.

I was waiting for this. From the moment he woke me up, the second I saw his eyes, I knew. And just as quickly as I recognized it, I knew what my answer would be.

He shakes his head in disbelief. “You know I’m not coming back here. Not for you, not for anyone.”

“Maybe not, but if I go with you then you definitely won’t.”

“It’s not going to work, Joss.” he tells me seriously. “The Hive won’t bite. They don’t want to rock the boat with the Colonies and the pot isn’t sweet enough to convince them to try. They’ll pass and everyone here is going to either stay here forever or die in a revolt.”

“Nats included.” I remind him coolly.

“She’s a big girl. She knows how it really is. She can yell at me all she wants, but she knows just as well as I do that no one will come here to help.”

“Especially if you don’t ask.”

“What the hell do you want from me?” he whispers fiercely. “You want me to go out there and rally the troops, bring them back here riding on a tall white horse and save the day? I’m no hero. I never have been. It’s how I’ve stayed alive.”

“It’s also a great way to stay alone. And if you do this, if you go and pretend we don’t exist, then I’ll pretend I never knew you. Nats will too, I’m sure. You’ll be nothing to no one and won’t that make life easier for you? So go on and go, you coward, and don’t ever look back because there’s nothing to look back on. You were never even here far as I’m concerned.”

I turn to leave him standing there in the cold beside the words I wrote to Ryan, words that have gone unnoticed and feel like nothing in the night. I’m spun around roughly and pinned against Vin’s chest. His breath is coming even and hard, sharp inhales and exhales that burst against my face leaving my skin freezing in their absence.

“Don’t turn your back on me.” he growls.

I can see the enforcer in him now. The hard ass who lived on the outside by the skin of his teeth and grit under his knuckles. It’s something I understand, something I can respect. Something I can relate to.

I lean closer, no longer being pulled but rather pushing against him until our faces almost touch.

“No, don’t you turn your back on me. On us. ” I whisper harshly, pushing at him aggressively. He lets me go and I stumble back from him.

“I’m no hero.” he repeats.

“How do you know until you’ve tried?”

“You expect too much of me.” he says quietly. It could be a trick of the light, but I swear his eyes look sad.

“I expect you to be a man.” I say harshly. “Not a great one, not even a good one. Just a man. A little bit of bravery and a little bit of honor. That’s all I’m asking.”

He shakes his head at me, running his hands over his hair. It’s growing out again. It’s getting longer and he’s looking less like the Vin I’ve gotten to know in here and more like the guy from the outside.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do when I get out, Kitten.” he tells me softly. He’s not looking at me and it somehow makes me trust him more. “I have no idea. I know what I should do.”