Sam Williams - Tales from the Swollen Corpse

“I want to see what’s out there.” Ryan said. Pointing at the forklift he asks me if I can drive it.

“Sure.”

Ryan slides off the pallet and walks over to the lift; he stands on the fork prongs and holds onto the guard.

“Lift me up to the window.”

I jump into the lift. It had been awhile and Ryan had to remind me to turn the key to get power. Then I carefully drove him over and lifted him to the window.

“Dude, it’s only three of those fuckers. Get me down, I got an idea.”

I lowered Ryan while he confidently but precariously road the forks down. I knew he had taken some longer draws than me from the bottle but that didn’t quite seem to explain the twinkle in his eyes. He walked over to the driver’s seat and with a thumb pointed over his shoulder, motioned for me to get out.

“All right, go unlatch the roll up.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yep.” Ryan grinned.

While I kicked out the latches on each side of the roll up Ryan took the lift and picked up a pallet of toilets. They were in their boxes stacked two high. Ryan drove the lift over to the door and raised the pallet just below the top of the roll up. I could hear the lift motor strain as it rose.

“Really, this is the idea?” I asked, not quite as amused as Ryan about the idea of squishing zombies.

“When I tell ya, open it up. As soon as all three are in close it.”

The noise Ryan and I had made seemed to have stirred them up, because they were making a hell of a racket now. Ryan gave me thumbs up and I pulled the chain lifting the door. Zombies must not be good at limbo because for all the noise and fuss they waited until the door was at forehead height before entering. The first one was just a little shorter than the other two. If it hadn’t moved so slowly I would have been more panicked. I must have still looked worried because Ryan hollered for me to wait. The other two came in and before I could shut the door I heard the zip of grease covered pulleys as the forks went down.

He got the first two so good I could hardly tell they were under the pallet. Part of me was sorry I hadn’t heard or seen a big splat, the other part of me got chills that I was just witness to the kind of silent but quick industrial death that could happen at any time. Like the old saying one minute you’re there…

The third zombie Ryan had got by the leg. He was still standing but wasn’t going anywhere. So I shut the roll up, walked over and picked up the Obliterator. It may have been my imagination but as I pulled back to swing I swore the thing looked at me and held still. It wasn’t a bracing gesture but more like I was doing it a favor. I, I don’t know, it’s hard for me to explain. I swung with all I had. It must have been old dead, because I literally took its head off.

Ryan jumped out of the lift. He walked over to the head lying on the floor. “That’s how to do it!” He said, looking at it. Then with a solid kick of his steal toed boot he sent it flying over a pallet out of sight. I walked over to see where it went but couldn’t. We bumped knuckles to celebrate our odd bonding experience. Then the double doors slammed open. It was Dan and he was covered in blood and looked about as excited as Dan can get. He looked at us like he had caught us loafing on the job.

“We need you guys! Hector’s been bit and he’s gone apeshit freaking out about it. Before I left looking for you two, he had old Larry pinned with a box knife at his throat.” Dan shook his head in disbelief. “Things been fucking crazy since you guys left!”

Ryan and I rushed back with Dan. On the way, Dan looks at me and says, “Oh yeah Dude, your girlfriend’s here.”

I remember waking up this morning in my bed, warm and cozy. My pillow freshly turned to the cool side, the smell of Heather’s hair. That’s where I wish I was.

Now, I am in a warehouse, covered in gunk, running to help my coworkers fend off the living dead, and as if that’s not shitty enough, it’s getting late; I can feel the cold creeping in.

We got up front and found Hector sitting on the floor crying. Barb had old Larry pinned against the wall. She told him something about not giving a damn; I assumed by her inflection that she was defending Hector. She then told Larry to get his ass up to the manager’s office and stay there ‘til he’s settled down or fucking Zombies would be the least of his worries.

I turned to Dan and asked what the hell happened and where Heather was.

“I don’t know where Heather is.” Dan said, looking bewildered.

“She went to the bathroom.” Barb yelled without even looking at us.

Well what the fuck happened?” Ryan asked.

Dan shook his head then began sharing what had been going on.

“Dude, you guys weren’t gone two minutes and the shit hit the fan. I was over here blocking the door and hanging with Barb when we hear Ol‘ Larry scream for someone to come give a hand. Barb sends me to see what’s up. I get in the break room and there’s Hector trying to pull Nicole off that redneck customer. Fucking Larry’s got this big heavy axe and he hits Nicole with it. Her teeth were sunk in the dude’s neck good so when he hit her, pieces of her skull and a chunk of the dude’s neck go flying. The guy’s lying on the floor bleeding out. Half of Nicole’s head is gone and she’s still going. Me and Hec pin her to the couch and ‘Ol Larry takes the axe to what’s left of her head. Every whack and she’s thrashing more. Then after a particularly good whack, she just stops like someone took out the batteries.

We were looking at what’s left of Nicole and Larry makes some stupid crack that Hector might finally have a shot getting in her pants. So Hec calls Larry’s Mom a whore in Spanish and the two idiots get in each other’s face. I yell at them to knock that shit off and ask where the lady was. We all look over and see her sitting at a table with her head buried in her hands sobbing.”

Dan paused and turned from us, looking at the floor. Nervously he cupped his chin and rubbed his cheek with his finger tips. “None of us had noticed the dude Nicole had been snacking on had gotten up. He was standing behind her. Before we could yell, he… uh… well I didn’t know a person could do that with their hands; he ripped her apart. When we got over to him he had fingers in her eye sockets and mouth; holding her head like it was a fucking bowling ball, with his other hand he was busy tearing into her. He didn’t notice Larry come up behind him. Larry got busy with the axe, and when we all agreed the redneck wouldn’t get back up; Larry made sure the lady wouldn’t either.”

I looked at Ryan, he looked a bit shaken. I think he had a thing for Nicole; he would never admit it but you could tell. I looked back at Dan, who had perked up.

“Dude your fucking girlfriend.” He said, smiling at me before continuing his story.

“So I am standing there thinking we are going to have to start calling Larry crazy ass instead of old when we hear tires squeal and a crash outside. Hector, Larry, and I run out front to find Barb moving the shit I had put in front of the exit. I run over to help and see Heather’s car smashed into one of the concrete lights. They’re there to stop a smash and grab and I guess they work. Heathers out there and she’s got a few dead dudes between her and the store and a whole bunch more coming up from behind. She’s got a big old dirty Harry looking revolver in her hand! But that’s not the best of it; she also still has her work outfit on from Melon Mike’s! She starts blowing away the dead dudes and me and Barb duck down to watch. You know I’m not her biggest fan, but the sight of her in the hot pants, popping zombies dirty Harry style was pretty hot. I hate to admit it but I got a little chub.”