Robert Sheckley - Shall We Have a Llittle Talk?

Jackson glowed all over from the gentle old tutor's compliments. He felt quite pleased with himself. Of course, he hadn't recognized several words; ird wunk and ur nak tai sounded faintly familiar, but gor nak was completely unknown. Still, lapses were expected of a beginner in any language. He did know enough to understand the Naians and to make himself understood by them. And that was what his job required.

He returned to his spaceship that afternoon. The hatch had been standing open during his entire stay on Na but he found that not a single article had been stolen. He shook his head ruefully at this, but refused to let it upset him. He loaded his pockets with a variety of objects and sauntered back to the city. He was ready to perform the final and most important part of his job.

In the heart of the business district, at the intersection of Um and Alhretto, he found what he was looking for: a real-estate office. He entered and was taken to the office of Mr Erum, a junior partner of the firm.

'Well, well, well, well!' Erum said, shaking hands heartily. 'This is a real honour, sir, a very considerable and genuine privilege. Are you thinking of acquiring a piece of property?'

'That was my intention,' Jackson said. 'Unless, of course, you have discriminatory laws that forbid your selling to a foreigner.'

'No difficulty there,' Erum said. 'In fact, it'll be a veritable orai of a pleasure to have a man from your distant and glorious civilization in our midst.'

Jackson restrained a snicker. 'The only other difficulty I can imagine is the question of legal tender. I don't have any of your currency, of course; but I have certain quantities of gold, platinum, diamonds, and other objects which are considered valuable on Earth.'

'They are considered valuable here, too,' Erum said. 'Quantities, did you say? My dear sir, we will have no difficulties; not even a blaggle shall mit or ows, as the poet said.'

'Quite so,' Jackson replied. Erum was using some words he didn't know, but that didn't matter. The main drift was clear enough. 'Now, suppose we begin with a nice industrial site. After all, I'll have to do something with my time. And after that, we can pick out a house.'

'Most decidedly prominex ,' Erum said gaily. 'Suppose I just raish through my listings here ... Yes, what do you say to a bromicaine factory? It's in a first-class condition and could easily be converted to vor manufacture or used as it is.'

'Is there any real market for bromicaine"?' Jackson asked.

'Well, bless my muergentan, of course there is! Bromicaine is indispensable, though its sales are seasonable. You see, refined bromicaine , or ariisi, is used by the protigash devolvers, who of course harvest by the soltice season, except in those branches of the industry that have switched over to ticothene revature. Those from a steadily—'

'Fine, fine,' Jackson said. He didn't care what a bromicaine was and never expected to see one. As long as it was a gainful employment of some kind, it filled his specifications.

'I'll buy it,' he said.

'You won't regret it,' Erum told him. 'A good bromicaine factory is a garveldis hagatis, and menifoy as well.' 'Sure,' Jackson said, wishing that he had a more extensive Hon vocabulary. 'How much?'

'Well, sir, the price is no difficulty. But first you'll have to fill out the ollanbrit form. It is just a few sken questions which ny naga of everyone.'

Erum handed Jackson the form. The first question read: 'Have you, now or at any past time, elikated mushkies forsicallyl State date of all occurrences. If no occurrences, state the reason for transgrishal reduct as found.'

Jackson read no further. 'What does it mean,' he asked Erum, 'to elikate mushkies forsically?'

'Mean?' Erum smiled uncertainly. 'Why, it means exactly what it says. Or so I would imagine.'

'I meant,' Jackson said, 'that I do not understand the words. Could you explain them to me?'

'Nothing simpler,' Erum replied. 'To elikate mushkies is almost the same as a bifur probishkai.'

'I beg your pardon?' Jackson said.

'It means - well, to elikate is really rather simple, though perhaps not in the eyes of the law. Scorbadising is a form of elikation, and so is manruv garing. Some say that when we breathe drorsically in the evening subsis, we are actually elikating. Personally, I consider that a bit fanciful.'

'Let's try mushkies, ' Jackson suggested.

'By all means, let's!' Erum replied, with a coarse boom of laughter. 'If only one could - eh!' He dug Jackson in the ribs with a sly elbow.

'Hm, yes,' Jackson replied coldly. 'Perhaps you could tell me what, exactly, a mushkie is?'

'Of course. As it happens, there is no such thing,' Erum replied. 'Not in the singular, at any rate. One mushkie would be a logical fallacy, don't you see?'

'I'll take your word for it. What are mushkiesT

'Well, primarily, they're the object of elikation. Secondarily, they are half-sized wooden sandals which are used to stimulate erotic fantasies among the Kutor religionists.'

'Now we're getting some place!' Jackson cried.

'Only if your tastes happen to run that way,' Erum answered with discernible coldness.

'I meant in terms of understanding the question on the form—'

'Of course, excuse me,' Erum said. 'But you see, the question asks if you have ever elikated mushkies forsically. And that makes all the ditference.'

'Does it really?'

'Of course! The modification changes the entire meaning.'

'I was afraid that it would,' Jackson said. 'I don't suppose you could explain what forsically means?'

'I certainly can!' Erum said. 'Our conversation now could - with a slight assist from the deme imagination - be termed a "forsically designed talk".'

'Ah,' said Jackson.

'Quite so,' said Erum. ' Forsically is a mode, a manner. It means "spiritually-forward-leading-by-way-of-fortuitous-friendship".'

'That's a little more like it,' Jackson said. 'In that case, when one elikates mushkies forsically—'

'I'm terribly afraid you're on the wrong track,' Erum said. 'The definition I gave you applies only to conversations. It is something rather different when one speaks of mushkies.'

'What does it mean then?'

'Well, it means - or rather it expresses - an advanced and intensified case of mushkie elikidation, but with a definite nmogmetic bias. I consider it a rather unfortunate phraseology, personally.'

'How would you put it?'

'I'd lay it on the line and to hell with the fancy talk,' Erum said toughly. 'I'd come right out and say: "Have you now or at any other time dunfiglers voc in illegal, immoral, or insirtis circumstances, with or without the aid and/or consent of a brachniianl If so, state when and why. If not, state neugris kris and why not."'

'That's how you'd put it, huh?' Jackson said.

'Sure, I would,' Erum said defiantly. 'These forms are for adults, aren't they? So why not come right out and call a spigler a spigler a speyl Everybody dunfiglers voc some of the time, and so what? No one's feelings are ever hurt by it, for heaven's sake. I mean, after all, it simply involves oneself and a twisted old piece of wood, so why should anyone care?'

'Wood?' Jackson echoed.