Jacqueline Druga - Protocol One

I didn’t see anyone, nor did I care to. Encompassed by my heart wrenching loss, one I couldn’t even comprehend, I held my son, shut my eyes and didn’t move.

I sobbed. With everything I was, I sobbed.

How long had I sat there on that floor holding my son? Staring at him and the peaceful innocence that swept across his face. Seeing the child I carried, the boy he was and the man he became. I sat there long enough for his body to become rigid and his skin even colder.

I was so engrossed in my loss and grief, I didn’t see anyone leave. Yet, they were gone. I could have been there for hours or even days, it didn’t matter. No amount of time was long enough to say goodbye.

A pair of legs walking toward me drew my attention. It was Tony.

He approached me and crouched down before me. His dark eyes locked on to mine.

“I’m sorry. I am very sorry.”

I planted my lips to Jackson. “Me too.”

“I wish there was something I could say. Some words of wisdom or a magic phrase. But the truth is, there is nothing. Nothing I can say or give you that will take way this pain you’re feeling. Time is the only thing that eases it.”

“A part of me just… I just want to stand up and walk out those doors, keep on walking and not look back. I just want to die to be with my son.”

“I know you do. I don’t blame you. But you can’t. You can’t do that. Jackson wouldn’t want you to. You know it. Truth is, I really need you here with me on this one. Mentally and physically. So you have my word and I promise you,” Tony took my hand in his. “I will walk you through this every step of the way. As long as those steps and that walk isn’t out that door.”

My lips trembled and I fought more tears, although I doubted any more would come right then. I had cried a year’s worth already.

“And here is a hard truth. Just bear with me, okay?” Tony spoke gently. “I know this isn’t something you want to hear. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t be talked about. But things aren’t normal. It is going to get ugly out there, pretty bad and pretty fast. Soon we won’t have the option. I believe we should bury him and we need to do so sooner than later. In the world as we knew it, funerals and services aided in the grief process. We’ll do that. I swear, we’ll do that. Whatever you want. But we really do need to bury him.”

“I don’t know if I can let him go,” I clenched my son and whimpered.

“Emotionally you will always hold him.”

My lips were swollen and hurt and I moistened them. “I sat here, holding him and I was thinking. I thought a lot. Why now? Why when things were planned for him to live did my son have to die? When he was born, the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. He wasn’t breathing, no heart beat, but he came back. I could have lost him and never known him.” I sniffled. “When he was nine, he was hit by a car. They told us he was going to die. He didn’t. I could have lost him and never seen him learn to play guitar, drums, sing and grow. I got that chance. He was a gift that I had on borrowed time. I knew it. I knew it his whole… short life.” My face tensed up in pain.

“Is is a gift. You can look at this as a loss, and it is, the biggest loss you will ever suffer. More than the entire goddamn world blowing up, this is bigger. You can carry it as a loss for the rest of your life, or you can view it as eighteen great years that ended too fucking soon.”

“It’s a lot to take in right now.”

“I know it is. Trust me, I know it is.”

From my focus on Jackson, I raised my eyes and locked in a stare with Tony.

He reached down and ran his hand over Jackson’s head, then across my cheek. I leaned my head into his hand.

“Just give me a couple more minutes.”

Tony nodded and stood. He had things to finish, that was how he put it, and where he went after he walked away, I didn’t know.

I focused only on Jackson and holding my son in my arms one last time.

The heavy, fast and violent winds caused the ash to swirl up like mini cyclones. In the midst of that all, we buried my son.

Tony, Spencer Price and Skyler had gone out and dug a grave. We gently placed my son in there and paused for a moment. Skyler said a prayer and Tony and Spencer covered it.

I just wept.

We marked the grave with a metal tube and then returned to the bunker and closed the doors.

I wasn’t in the mood for a grand tour, nor was I offered one. I guess Tony figured I would see it in time. And I would.

There was an emptiness that consumed me. A hollow being just moving around, I was numb, completely numb and wanted only to get cleaned up and my clothes changed.

I would start to process everything as best as I could after that.

There was one thing I knew for sure. I had paid very little attention to anything when we turned on the lights. My journey to getting cleaned up was completely different.

The stairwell reminded me of one I would find in a school. It descended fifty feet. That was what Tony told me.

The fail safe door was open and what I hadn’t noticed during my first trip down, was the tube like hallway went left and right.

Painted neatly on the wall in red were the words ‘Hive One’ and ‘Hive Two’, with arrows that indicated the direction.

We went left to Hive two.

I didn’t ask what it meant. I would learn that later. We passed the Switch Room door. It was open and Tom sat inside.

Tony knocked once on the open door. “Hey, Pete wants us topside in fifteen.”

Tom nodded and returned to looking at screen. It appeared to be nothing, but greenish images.

“What is he doing?” I asked.

“He’s just looking outside. It’s pretty dark out there so he has the night cam on.”

Next to the Switch Room door was another set of steps that kept going down but we got off at the first landing.

“This hall,” Tony said. “Runs the circumference of this level. Only Floor One doesn’t have that.”

The hall was narrow and we didn’t walk for long. We arrived at a door marked with a ‘A-2’.

“This is your room.” He pushed open the door. “Everything you need is here. The clothes might be big or small. I didn’t get them. That wasn’t my domain.”

I was shocked when I stepped into a warmly lit room. It was oddly shaped, wider by the door and growing narrow like a slice of pie. And in fact it was a slice room on a circular floor.

It was pretty big, with a bed, dresser, and it looked like a hotel room, complete with chair. I faced Tony. “Are all the rooms like this?”

He chuckled once. “No. This is like the Captain’s quarters. This room was always for you. You even have…” He pointed to the picture on the wall that looked like a window. “It’s a digital picture to give the effect of day and night. You can shut it off. A couple of the others have them. There are a few double rooms but the rest are dorm style. Single bed, small dresser that your knees hit. Well except for Jack…” He cleared his throat. “Jackson’s room. It’s almost this nice. I’ll bring up your bag when we’ve finished removing the ash. They have a special…”

“Where is Jackson’s room?” I asked.

Tony pointed to a door in my room. “There and I’ll show you.” He walked out and we turned to our right. “Here.” He pointed to the door then reached for it.

“No, I don’t want to see it.”

“I understand.” He withdrew his hand.

“Did you grab your room yet?”

“Not yet.”

“Then I want you and Joie in that room.”

“Anna, that is not…”

“Please. I want you and Joie there. Ok?”

“We’ll see. Anyhow…” he exhaled. “There is no plumbing in the rooms. All facilities are community style. Two per floor, that’s it. And the showers are on a timer.” Tony led the way down the hall. “Three minutes after the time you turn the water on, it goes off. And don’t try to fake it out. There’s a ten minute delay before it will start again. It’s a way to conserve the water even though we have a processing system.”