L Akers: Shoot Like a Girl

He continued. “As far as lights, there’s all kinds of cooking oil and stuff you can burn in those lamps, if you have it. You should also be bringing in solar lights from landscaping every night. This neighborhood is full of them. If your next-door neighbor didn’t make it home, confiscate theirs until they get back… pass them along if you know someone who needs a few. You can put them in front of a mirror for even more reflective light. You all doing that?”

He was met with a chorus of nods.

“Good. You have candles, too. Use all those. Like I said, we have access to more diesel. If we find a vehicle to run it, we will. Until then, this was voted as the best use of it for our group. Anything else?”

Another neighbor spoke up. “Seems to me, it might be easier to put the pee pipes right next to the barrels, right? Kind of really close by?”

Tucker shrugged. “I thought we should separate them in case one of you sleepy fools get confused and accidentally sits on a pipe, instead of a barrel. Unless you like that kind of thing… it’s safer to keep them a bit apart.”

The men all flinched as one, and then nodded in serious understanding.

There were no more questions.

The guys got busy, and Tucker grabbed two pee-pipes and stepped to the other side of the clearing where he’d already hung a tarp for privacy. Behind that sat four more barrels for the ladies. Two urine-barrels and two crap-barrels. For theirs, he’d bury the pipes under the barrels, all the way into the ground, and then attach the tubes to the bottoms of the barrels, where he’d already prepped them with a fitted hole.

The ladies’ barrels were set up a bit nicer. He’d attached a Styrofoam noodle float—from the swimming pool—split and ran around the rough edges of the metal, to keep them from cutting their hands or legs. They’d sanded the seats-boards to a smoother finish, and he’d also hung coffee cans with lids on them to keep their toilet paper dry and bug-free. Their wipe-bags weren’t see-through. Giving them a little bit of dignity since they had more ‘things’ to add to their bag. Over the top of their area, he and Kenny had rigged another tarp, giving them shelter from any dew, rain, or spiders dropping from the trees.

He’d have to think of a few more amenities later, ‘cause if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy…

Tina strode down the dirt road, constantly looking left to right, her hand hovering lightly over her sidearm. “Are you sure this is the right way?”

Tarra stopped to tighten her boot lace, and then hopped ahead to catch up with her friend. “That’s what she said.”

They shared a laugh.

Tina cleared her throat. “We’re leaving here, aren’t we?”

“You bet we are. I’m not dealing with the princess another day. I’d rather make camp in the woods somewhere and sleep on the ground again than deal with her.”

Tina and Tarra had surprised Olivia the morning after the ladies had arrived, when they had awoken and made their way into the kitchen. In all the hoopla the night before, after the girls’ and Elmer had come home, and with Puck getting shot, Jake and Grayson didn’t even think to tell Olivia she had company. She’d gone straight to bed after surprising everyone by taking charge and cleaning and wrapping Puck’s wound. Olivia was very maternal and she took to the boy like a Mother Hen.

After that, she was exhausted from their long journey home. They hadn’t seen hide nor hair of each other until long after the sun had come up.

Gabby had discovered the two women when she’d assumed she and Jake would be sleeping in the guest room. She’d barged in, waking Tina and Tarra, and after the shock of finding out who they were, she was thrilled that Jake had happened upon them and brought them home.

She’d even refused to take the bed from them and instead, made pallets on the living room floor for herself, Jake, Emma and Graysie—Elmer had slept on the couch.

Gabby had absolutely no problem with Tina and Tarra having been alone with her husband while she was gone.

Emma and Graysie had given them a warm welcome, too.

But not Olivia.

This morning they’d been met with suspicion and looks that shot daggers from her inner green-eyed monster.

More than once, Olivia had questioned Grayson on their ability to feed the two strangers. He’d assured her they had plenty, trying to gently shush her before she came across rude.

Too late.

That’s not what it was about anyway.

Olivia didn’t trust them, and they knew it.

They weren’t like her. Although they were both married, they took their lives into their own hands. They could handle a gun better than most guys, could hunt, fish and clean their kills, and cook it, too. They didn’t need a man; although they both missed their husbands and families dearly.

Olivia had been shocked to hear they’d travelled in from out of town for a shooting competition—against men . She just couldn’t wrap her head around their independence.

And they made her whiny ass look bad.

Tarra pointed. “Look, there it is.”

In unison, they stepped off the dirt road, each to a different side, taking cover behind the trees and squatting, guns at ready.

Silently, they watched.

Nothing.

Ten minutes passed.

Still nothing.

Tina jerked her head and stepped out from the trees.

Tarra stayed in a squat nearly hidden from sight, her gun covering Tina as she hurried, heel to toe, along the tree-line until she reached the clearing. Quick as a cat, Tina darted to the side of the house and then covered Tarra until she joined her a few seconds later.

They listened again.

Nothing.

A loud, honking noise from behind the house startled the women.

They crept around the corner and peered out, seeing a donkey tied outside the barn.

Behind them, they heard retching. Someone getting sick.

Twisting back toward the house, they watched Jake stagger out the screen door carrying a shovel, with Ozzie following behind. The contents of the shovel were as far away from him as the handle allowed, with his cheeks puffed out and his body jerking in rejection.

“ Ewww ,” Tina said, as Ozzie scampered to greet her.

“Yeah. Disgusting…” Tarra agreed.

Tina slid her pistol into the holster, and bent down to run her hands through Ozzie’s hair. “What’s up, Jake?”

Jake tossed the poop as far as he could and leaned the shovel up against the wall. “Cleaning house. You ladies got here just in time to help us finish up. Puck’s been keeping a donkey in his mama’s bedroom. It crapped all over the place.”

Tina and Tarra shook their heads in tandem.

“Not us,” said Tarra. “We’re just here to check on you. Olivia was concerned about you guys being gone too long. We offered to come so she didn’t worry her pretty little head off.” She finished with a tight smile.

Jake gave her a sidelong look. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s fine,” Tarra answered, and threw on a stiff smile again.

Jake looked to Tina who also attempted a smile that didn’t reach her eyes either. “Great day . What is it?”

Tina shook her head, her mouth firmly closed.

“Look ladies, I’ve been married long enough to know when a woman answers ‘what’s wrong’ with ‘it’s fine,’ that means it’s definitely not fine. Spill it.”

Tina shrugged her shoulders. “Okay. Your sister-in-law is a bitch. I thought twins were supposed to be the same. Gabby’s cool.”

Jake laughed. “Gabby and Olivia are only alike in looks, really. But Olivia’s not that bad. What’d she do?”