Susan Pfeffer - Shade of the Moon

“The truth shall set you free,” Jon told himself as he walked back to Lisa’s. It would set Sarah free, at least. Not even the truth could do much for him at this point.

He’d be all right. He’d survived hunger, disease, the loss of his home, the loss of his father. He’d survive this as well.

But he’d need all the strength and courage he had to protect the people he loved.

His misdeeds had cost Julie her life.

He couldn’t let the same thing happen twice.

Val and Carrie had already left for White Birch when the doorbell rang. Lisa was upstairs with Gabe, so Jon answered the door.

“Sarah,” he said, silently thanking Luke.

“Luke said you wanted to talk,” she said. “That I should come over tonight.”

Jon nodded. “I’ll meet you in the garage,” he said, looking around the street to make sure no one had seen her. “We can talk in private there.”

Sarah nodded and walked away.

Jon called upstairs to Lisa to say he’d be out for a few minutes. Then he left the house, silently walking to the garage, making certain he wasn’t spotted.

“I’m only here because Luke told me to come,” Sarah began. “He’s been a real friend to me.”

“To me, too,” Jon said. “Sarah, I know I can’t make it up to you, the way I’ve behaved. I’ve thought about everything you said to me, how I was weak, a coward, and I know you’re right. But I have to tell you that I love you. I was too scared to tell you that before, too weak, too cowardly. I know I’m just a slip; I’ll never deserve your love. But I needed you to know.”

“I don’t care that you’re a slip,” she said. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t understand what it feels like for you. After you came to our table and told us about Lisa and I wouldn’t even look at you, well, Luke talked to me about you, what you’ve been going through. How rough you had it when you first moved to Sexton, how the only way you could make friends was by playing soccer so well. How you and Lisa will always be regarded as not quite as good as everyone else because you’re slips.”

“It’s not an excuse,” Jon said. “You told me that.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have,” Sarah said. “I get too righteous sometimes and I hurt the people I love. I love you, Jon. I love that you’re protective of Lisa and Gabe. And I didn’t even tell you I was glad she passed her evaluation. Oh, Jon, I am glad. I’m glad for her and I’m glad for you, and it’s been killing me that I didn’t say so.”

“I love you, Sarah,” Jon said, but in his mind he knew what he had to do. He walked over to her and kissed her, gently at first and then with more passion.

Sarah responded. Jon held on to her so tightly she could hardly breathe. When he knew he had complete control, he began pawing at her, trying to tear her blouse from her.

Sarah broke away. “Stop it!” she cried. “You’re being too rough.”

“I thought you loved me,” Jon said.

“I do,” Sarah said. “I’m not holding back from you, Jon. But don’t treat me like that.”

“Like what?” Jon asked. “Like a grubber girl?”

“Is that how you treat them?” she asked. “Take what you want without caring how they feel?”

“I know how girls feel,” Jon said, sickening himself at the sound of his voice. “You’re all alike. Julie was exactly the same way.”

“Julie?” Sarah said. “What about Julie?”

“She pretended she loved me, too,” Jon said. “She said it the way you said it. ‘I love you, Jon.’” He spoke in a falsetto, not the way Julie had sounded, still sounded, in his memories, his nightmares. “It was going to be our last day together so I told her to prove it. The next thing I knew, she was screaming for me to stop.”

“She screamed?” Sarah said, edging farther away from him.

“She wanted it as much as I did,” Jon said. “I could tell. But she wouldn’t admit it. She said it was a sin. She didn’t care what I felt, how excited I was. What I wanted didn’t matter.”

“She was a kid,” Sarah said. “Younger than you. Smaller. She must have been terrified.”

“So what?” Jon said. “I didn’t plan on hurting her. It was her fault for fighting me.”

“Did you rape her?” Sarah shouted, her voice rising with rage. “Tell me the truth. Did you rape Julie?” Her voice rose as she grew more hysterical.

Jon kept absolutely quiet.

“Don’t you touch me,” Sarah said. “Ever again. If you even try to, I’ll tell Alex what you did. Is that clear, Jon? I don’t want to have anything to do with you ever again.” She grabbed at her blouse, trying to pull it together, as she raced out of the garage.

Jon watched as she ran away from him. I love you, Sarah, he thought. But he’d thought the same about Julie. And she’d run away from him, also.

He knelt on the concrete floor. “I’m sorry!” he cried. “I’m sorry for everything.”

Not even Julie’s ghost seemed to hear him.

Jon passed the ball to Tyler as much as he could without getting Coach mad at him. Sexton beat the half-starved, half-crippled Carmichael team 14–2. He drank his share of potka on the drive back and laughed at his share of jokes. Tyler made only one crude remark about Sarah, and Jon was careful not to laugh too loudly. Just enough so Tyler would see how little Jon cared.

Lisa was already home when Jon got in. “How was the game?” she asked.

“We won,” he said. “Fourteen to two.”

“There’s not much left of Carmichael,” Lisa said. “There’s talk they’re going to tear it down and build greenhouses.”

Jon thought of the dozens of people who’d watched the game. “What becomes of the grubs who live there?” he asked.

Lisa shrugged. “Most of them will move to White Birch,” she said, “hoping for work.”

Jon sat down. He wasn’t sure he was ready for the answers, but he knew he had to ask the questions. “How did your visit go?” he asked. “Did Gabe enjoy himself?”

Lisa laughed. “He loves it there,” she said. “He’s crazy about Alex. Alex is going to be a good father. He has a real tenderness. Miranda must have brought it out in him.”

“Did they see how much he’s grown?” Jon asked. It had been six months since Lisa had taken Gabe to White Birch to spend time with that side of his family.

“Of course,” Lisa said. “And how handsome and brilliant he is. I used that as an argument. How healthy he is, I mean. How good it would be for Miranda’s baby to grow up here.”

“What did she say?” Jon asked.

Lisa rolled her eyes. “It took a lot longer than it should have,” she said. “First Alex objected. He didn’t like the idea of only seeing Miranda and the baby on weekends.”

“You can’t blame him for that,” Jon said. “It’d be great if Alex could move into the garage with them.”

“You know that’s impossible,” Lisa said. “Only domestics can live in Sexton, and I can’t see Alex working as a butler. Not for us, at any rate. He’ll be in White Birch while Miranda stays here. That’s just how it is.”

“Did he agree to it?” Jon asked.

“Eventually,” Lisa said. “Laura was actually the least resistant. She’s not happy with the idea of Miranda working for me, but she understands it would be best for the baby.” She shook her head. “Laura tries so hard to keep that apartment clean, but there are roaches all over. And the air quality is so bad.”

“They can’t buy air purifiers,” Jon pointed out.

“They aren’t forbidden to,” Lisa said. “They could put their names down on the list to buy one, but all they’re interested in is that truck. In any event, it’s no place for a baby, and Laura can see that. Miranda put up the biggest fight. She doesn’t want to leave Alex or Laura, and she wasn’t crazy about the idea of living in a garage. She even said she liked her work in the greenhouses.”