Claire Zorn - The Sky So Heavy

‘You! Fin!’ he yells. ‘Fin, please!’

People turn and look as if they want to kill me too.

‘It’s okay,’ I say. ‘He’s with me. He’s safe.’

The guy still has the rifle pointed at him. I push my way to the front of the group.

‘He’s safe, let him go. He’s with me. Please, please, put the gun down.’ The guy with the rifle holds my gaze. ‘Please.’

He throws the weapon onto the concrete and shoves the army guy toward me. I lean down and carefully pick up the rifle. People drop their improvised weapons as if they are disappointed that the entertainment is over.

I lead the army guy back to our camp, still holding his gun.

‘This is us,’ I say. He nods. ‘Have a seat.’ I point to the end of my mattress. He nods again and takes his backpack off. Max is staring, wide-eyed, as I carry the rifle to the car and he follows me. I unlock the boot and put the weapon inside.

‘That is so cool,’ says Max.

‘I’m concerned about your perception of cool.’ I close the boot and lock it. The army guy sits, back rigid as if he is ready to jump up again. He unzips his backpack and pulls out a heap of sealed foil packets. The backpack is full of them.

‘Rations,’ the army guy says. ‘I took all I could carry. I’ll share them with yez, if I can stay here.’ He looks to each of us, desperation on his face. ‘Look, there’s more, there’s meat and beans and chocolate—’

‘It’s okay,’ Noll says. ‘We just need to talk.’

The four of us, with Alan, walk a few metres from the camp.

‘What do you think?’ asks Noll.

‘I don’t know,’ says Lucy. ‘Can we trust him?’

‘He didn’t rat on us,’ I say. ‘Besides, I think we need him, his uniform anyway. I might be able to get past the barricade to my mum if I’m in uniform.’

The others agree. Army Guy can stay. When we tell him he nods, a bobbing up and down of his head, his gaze placed somewhere in the middle distance. He begins to put the rations back into his pack and I can see his hands trembling. Lucy crouches down to help him.

Noll drags another mattress over. Alan tries to help but can’t quite manage. I tell him to sit down and he doesn’t argue. Lucy gives Army Guy some blankets. He takes them with a small ‘thank you’ and places them neatly next to himself.

‘So, ah, this is Noll, Lucy, Max and Alan.’

Alan offers his hand. ‘Pleased to meet you, mate.’ Army Guy shakes his hand.

‘Matt,’ he says.

‘You’re the guy from the checkpoint,’ Lucy says.

‘I, um, talked to Matt a bit when I went back that night,’ I explain. I wait for Matt to offer some information about why he’s here, but he says nothing, just sits with his hands kneading at the handle of his pack.

‘Did they move you from border patrol?’ I venture.

‘Yeah. ’Bout two weeks or so ago. Maybe.’

‘Right.’ We all wait. He offers nothing more.

‘Well, you can stay here, son,’ says Alan. ‘If you want to.’

‘Thank you.’

I don’t know if he’s safe. But he gave me the gun back that night and he didn’t squeal on me and Noll at the ration line. He knows things, army things, survival things. He will be useful.

When we turn in for the night, Matt stays awake, knees drawn up to his chin. When I wake in the morning he is in the same position as if he hasn’t moved all night.

In the morning we sit around our fire and talk, although Matt never says anything. Lucy gives him a bowl of rice but he doesn’t eat it and gives it to me instead. Afterwards, Noll, Max, Lucy and I wash our clothes in buckets of icy water and hang them on a line strung between our car and another. Rosa has pegs that she lends to us. I am stretching out the wet slop of my T-shirts when Matt comes up to me, hands stuffed in his pockets.

‘Fin, I was… I just wanna see if…’ He speaks as though he is about to divulge a state secret.

‘Yeah?’

‘I have to get out of this uniform.’ His eyes roam around the camp and he rubs his palm over the stubble on his scalp. ‘You got any spare clothes?’

Between Max, Noll and I we manage to pull together enough clothes to keep him warm. Max has a spare beanie that he gives Matt, the red and white Swannies one. Lucy is the first to get an almost-smile out of him when she jokes she has some woolly tights he can wear too if he wants.

Matt strips off his uniform and pulls on the clothes we have given him. He carries his uniform over to the fire.

‘Wait!’

He visibly jumps at my voice.

‘Don’t burn it. Give it here, I’ll keep it.’

There is an afternoon soccer match. Matt doesn’t play but sits with Alan, watching from the sidelines. The rest of the people in the car park are noticeably wary of him and the rest of us. But no one says he has to leave. Maybe they all want him where they can see him.

Afterwards we sit around, waiting out the time before the evening meal. Lucy asks Matt if he knows where his family is. Matt just shakes his head.

‘We’ve been trying to find Fin’s mother,’ she tells him. ‘We think she might be able to help us, she works for the government. Disaster response management, isn’t it, Fin?’

Matt’s face changes. It’s a look of subdued anguish. He swallows, glances at me. ‘You want to find her?’

It’s a strange question.

‘Yeah, of course.’

He nods that absent sort of head bob of his, like a nervous tic.

‘I think she’s at Town Hall. But I can’t get in,’ I tell him.

‘Knew a guy who was workin’ in there. Good guy, my corporal. He was a good guy, yeah. A real good guy.’ Matt’s eyes are far away. He draws his knees to his chin. ‘But workin’ in there? It screwed him up. Me, I just follow orders, don’t have to make decisions… the really shitty decisions. That’s what screws you up.’

That night I am shocked from my sleep by a yell. I sit up and, for a moment, I think I am at home in my bedroom, until the cold finds my cheeks and arms. There is another yell and in the smoulder of the fire I can make out the scrambling shadow of two figures entangled.

‘Get your hands behind your head!’ It’s Matt. He’s kneeling on someone’s back as they flail against the concrete.

‘Matt? What the hell?’

He doesn’t answer me.

‘Get off me ya psycho!’ the pinned man yells.

‘Matt! What are you doing?’

He looks at me and there is a blankness in his face – a vacancy – almost as if he is actually asleep. The guy beneath him takes the opportunity to scramble to his feet, but Matt snaps back into action and grabs him by the back of his hair.

‘Matt, I know that guy, he’s from here. He’s one of us.’

Matt looks at me, then back to the guy.

‘Let him go, man.’

Matt’s eyes go from unfocused to panicked and he releases his grip, jumping back from the guy. I try to help the guy to his feet, but he shrugs me away.

‘I’m sorry, mate, it was a mistake, he didn’t mean it.’ It’s like I’m apologising for my disobedient rottweiler.

The guy points at Matt. ‘You… you’re a bloody psycho.’

Matt doesn’t speak. The guy gives him a final glare and lopes away, rubbing at the back of his head.

‘What the hell was that about?’

Matt raises his eyes to mine and he looks confused, dumbfounded. He shakes his head. Alan is now beside us.

‘You need to go to sleep, mate.’ He speaks to Matt gently as if he is a startled horse.

‘I can’t.’

‘Well, sit down. Sit here next to Fin.’ Alan guides him to the mattress. ‘I’ve got something that will help you.’

‘No, no. I don’t want drugs.’

‘Now you listen to me, son,’ Alan says. ‘You need to get some sleep otherwise you’re going to lose your mind. Got it? Sit down here, next to Fin. You’re okay, you’re safe. No one’s gonna hurt you, mate.’