Kyle West: Darkness

Yeah, that was all we had to do. We just had to find a line of really big mountains — but there were a lot of mountains in this area toward the south. It could take a while to search.

Anna squeezed my shoulder. “There it is! That has to be it.”

She pointed to our left, down into a secluded red valley surrounded by mountains. There gleamed a small, metallic shimmer. There was no doubt — it was the trailer, alright — the very same one where Khloe had died, where I had been left alone in the world.

The flood of emotion came back in full force. I hated this place and all of the terrible memories it held, things I would never be able to forget no matter how hard I tried. I had never intended to return here. Yet, here I was. I tried not to think about how the red valley reminded me of blood. I tried not to think of all the people who had died, tried not to think of the spot where I buried Khloe, over three months ago.

I pulled my glove off and placed my cold, bare hand on Askal’s back, allowing him to read my thoughts.

This is it, I said.

Askal snorted in acknowledgement, immediately circling down toward the trailer. Anna and I gave a start at the sudden change in trajectory, but we leaned forward into Askal’s body. I held tightly to the ridge on Askal’s back, and Anna wrapped her arms tightly around me. As we lowered, butterflies rose in my stomach. The trailer grew bigger as we approached. The air warmed, but only slightly, as we descended. It was the only welcome change.

By the time Askal alighted, I felt frozen to my spot — from both physical cold and nerves.

“Come on,” Anna said, hopping off onto the ground. “We’ll be out of here in no time.”

I looked down at her doubtfully, but in the end, I supposed she was right. Maybe this would only take a few minutes, and then we would be back on our way to Pyrite aboard the Odin.

I eased myself down, sliding off Askal’s back. Pinpricks flooded my feet as I landed with a thud on the ground. I shook each foot, wincing, trying to get some circulation back. I took a few steps forward to work out the stiffness. Only thirty feet in front of me lay the trailer, just as I’d left it three months ago. If there was any difference, it was that it was covered with even more red dust and grime. There must have been a dust storm recently.

The Bunker entrance wasn’t far. I didn’t even know what I expected to find — Khloe and I had shut that Bunker door, which would make it impossible to get in. If the main entrance was closed, there was always the motor pool entrance. I didn’t even know where that was, though I supposed I could ask Michael by radio, if it came to that.

I took a deep breath. I didn’t want to be a coward, but then again, maybe my fear was justifiable when I had lost everyone I cared about in a single, horrifying night.

Anna had never had that experience in this place, even if she had experienced it elsewhere. She walked toward the trailer. Her hand was on her holstered pistol rather than her katana. She stood in front of the trailer door, reached out her left hand, and tried the latch.

“Wait,” I said, jogging to catch up with her.

It might have been overly protective of me, but I didn’t want her going in anywhere by herself. It was a silly sentiment, since Anna was far more likely to protect me than the other way around.

The metallic door swung wide open, and Anna took a few steps back, her hand never leaving her handgun. The opening revealed only darkness. We waited a few moments before approaching the trailer once more.

“Me first,” I said.

Anna shrugged, letting me pass.

I flipped on the light, and everything was illuminated in a pale yellow glow. Everything was as I had left it: the couch, the fridge, even the red fleece blanket that had covered Khloe and me, were all still in their places. The cabinets were opened from when I had rummaged in them for food and supplies. Whatever the case, it didn’t seem like there was anything of interest now. I shut off the light and closed the door, stepping back onto the dusty ground.

Askal stared at me with his white alien eyes. I wondered what was going on in his mind. He knew that I wanted him to wait here until we got back from the Bunker. Just looking at the Askala reminded me that I was infected with the xenovirus. Elekai or not, it still gave me the shivers. I didn’t know if that was something I could ever get used to. Anna looked at me and smiled, her thoughts seemingly distant. We’d had more than a few conversations lately about what the Wanderer told me. I still felt defensive when the subject of the Elekai virus came up. It made me feel different from everyone else.

“We could stay here for tonight if the exploration takes a long time,” Anna said.

“I don’t plan on staying here the night,” I said. “It’s too dangerous.”

I’d already lost one girl I loved at this place. I didn’t want to lose another.

“You going to be alright?” Anna asked.

I felt sudden sadness clench my throat. “Yeah.”

She touched my shoulder, grabbing on and pulling me close.

“You’ll be fine,” she said, looking me in the eye and smiling. “We’ll try to get done before the day is out.”

I nodded. Maybe Anna didn’t understand why I hated this place so much, but that was to be expected. I didn’t expect anybody to understand. Too often, that was just the way things were.

“Sometimes, all you can do is put one foot in front of the other,” Anna said. “You can’t get anywhere without that.”

I nodded, and Anna started walking in the direction of the Bunker.

“Wait,” I said.

Anna paused, half-turning back to me.

“There’s something I need to do first.”

As Anna raised an eyebrow, I turned away and circled around the trailer. I didn’t know if Khloe’s grave would still be there, but I intended to find out. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see her. I didn’t know when, or if, I would come back here again.

I walked on, and as soon as I rounded the trailer’s corner, I paused. The rocks I had laid on the ground over three months ago were still there, perfectly arranged in the shape of a heart. The rocks were partially covered in red sand. No one had been this way since I’d left. Somehow, that gave me comfort.

I walked forward a few steps, the tip of my boots touching the bottom point of the heart. The cold wind let up and everything stilled into silence as I watched that spot of Earth.

It was so hard to believe that it had only been three months ago. It felt like another lifetime. Another person. But the feelings were still there, visceral and bleeding.

I had often wondered what things would have been like if Michael and I hadn’t found that man infected with the xenovirus. Everything would have been different. Bunker 108 would still be running, probably. My father would still be alive. Khloe, over whose grave I stood, would still be alive. At the same time, I would have never met Anna, Makara, or Samuel. This whole mad quest to save the world would have never started in the first place.

I realized that it had all happened for a reason. Maybe…maybe this loss was necessary. I hated that thought: that any loss was necessary. But I also saw how Khloe’s death led to everything we had accomplished: discovering the origins of the xenovirus, meeting the Wanderer, gathering the Vegas gangs, discovering the purpose behind the Elekai and the Radaskim. Even knowing this, I knew there were no guarantees. Khloe’s death would mean nothing if we failed, if we were destroyed by the Radaskim in their aim to conquer all life. Even with the Wanderer guiding me, there was the overwhelming probability of failure. After all, hadn’t a thousand worlds already failed? What made ours so special?