Mindy McGinnis - In a Handful of Dust

“So you promise me you’ll keep your distance from Carter when you’re talking, and you keep that promise,” Vera said, bringing Lucy back into the present.

“I promise,” Lucy said, her voice stronger than she felt.

Vera disappeared into the trees and Lucy stood alone in the dark, her shoulders trembling. A stick snapped and she jerked at the sound, her pulse racing.

“Lucy?” Carter’s voice sounded thin and unsure. “You there?”

“Carter?” she called out, and heard the rustle of dead leaves underfoot as he came near. “Over here.”

He emerged out of the dark, so changed from the boy she knew that she had to resist the urge to run to him. His eyes were sunken and red-rimmed, his shoulders slumped, and his hands shook as he leaned against a tree for support.

“Your grandma said I can’t come closer than this maple,” he said.

“I’ve got a line in the dirt over here telling me what to do,” she answered, and he smiled a little.

“That’s just like you, to have a line.”

She laughed. “We really did it this time, didn’t we?”

“And here I always thought Devon was teasing when he said I’d be the end of him.”

Her face fell. “It’s not your fault, Carter. You didn’t know.”

Carter slid to the ground by the maple, his feet dangling over the bank. “What’s Lynn always say? ‘It is what it is’?”

“It is what it is,” Lucy agreed. “And it sucks.”

“That’s two different ways of saying the same thing,” Carter said, and a silence fell between the two of them while they both waited for the other to say the inevitable.

Lucy cleared her throat. “Lynn told me about your mom, that she… she…”

“Sold out on me?” Carter tossed a stick into the stream, and they heard the splash without seeing it. “Big surprise there.”

“I’m sorry about it.”

Carter shrugged. “Vera said you and Lynn are leaving.”

“Yeah, she thinks…” She paused, measuring her words. “Did she tell you it might be me?”

“She said so, but I don’t believe it.”

“Why not?”

Carter looked at her across the space dividing them, his gaze so intense she felt her pulse jump. “I can feel it in me, Lucy,” he said, his voice barely audible over the swaying tree branches. “Sick or not, I feel it. And I feel the weight of all those dead little kids on me.”

Lucy thought of Lynn, who had held her and sworn she had nothing to feel guilty about, her own conviction burning bright enough for the two of them. Carter had no one, and she was forbidden from comforting him. The silence between them had grown thick, and she didn’t know how to break it.

“So what are you going to do?” Carter asked. “Where are you going? South?”

Lucy shook her head. “Lynn said the only thing we’d get away from in the south is the winters, and we’d be giving up more than that by leaving the pond. I guess a long time ago my uncle Eli told her California is still, you know… normal.”

“Normal, huh?” Carter smiled and threw another stick into the creek. “What’s that mean?”

“Eli told her they’d built a bunch of desalinization plants to make ocean water drinkable, so they weren’t hurt bad by the Shortage.”

“A drinkable ocean? That’s a lot of water.”

“And no winters, from what Stebbs and Grandma say.”

“Sounds like heaven.”

“It could be,” Lucy said. “But getting there’ll be hell. There’s a lot between me and it.”

“And I’ve never known you to back down,” Carter said. “The only thing bigger than the world is fear, Lucy. Don’t let it get the best of you.”

“What about you ? What are you going to do?”

Carter stood up and stretched, his long arm muscles gleaming in the white moonlight. “Oh, I figured I’d find some old ugly hermit somewhere, spit in his mouth, and see if he gets sick.”

“That’s a great plan, buddy,” Lucy said.

“I had real plans once, you know?” Carter said. “I was starting to think maybe you and me, we could have a little place of our own someday.”

“Yeah. I was starting to think that too,” Lucy said, tears catching in her throat.

They looked at each other across the void they could not bridge, their silent, saltwater good-byes streaming down their faces.

“You should go,” Carter said abruptly, turning away from her. “Stay safe, stay with Lynn. Name a baby after me.”

“Shit,” Lucy choked. “I’ll name two.”

“Now that’s just stupid.”

Lucy laughed through her tears, and he turned around. “Go on now, Lucy. It’s not going to get any easier.”

She turned and ran through the woods, crashing through the underbrush and into the wet grass that whipped at her legs. The cold night air felt like it would burst her lungs but she kept running, sprinting past the still bodies of the sick.

The four of them stood in an awkward circle as the sun came up. Stebbs and Vera with their arms around each other, Lucy and Lynn weighed down by their packs.

“You’ve got everything now? You double-checked your bullets?” Stebbs asked Lynn. She had her rifle strapped to her back, a handgun at her side.

“You gave me enough ammunition to kill every stranger between here and the West Coast,” Lynn said, hunching her shoulders against the weight of her pack.

“Good Lord, don’t shoot everyone you meet,” Vera said.

“Not right away, anyway,” Stebbs added.

Lynn looked over at Lucy. “You ready?”

“I am,” Lucy said. She almost wished Stebbs and Vera had not come. Good-bye had been hard enough once.

“Well,” Lynn said, and kicked at a clump of grass, “I guess that’s it then.” She looked up at Stebbs, and Lucy realized Lynn had not said good-bye to anyone.

“Maybe I’ll see you again someday, asshole,” Lynn said, and shook Stebbs’ hand. He pulled her into a hug and clapped her on the back, careful not to hit her rifle.

“Maybe, kiddo,” he said, his voice shaky. “Maybe.”

Lynn pulled away from him, swiping at her tears. “Don’t let anybody move into my house,” she said sternly, and reached for Lucy’s hand.

They walked to the edge of the grass together and stepped out onto the road.

Lucy had a blister.

The back of her boot had rubbed a raw spot on her heel within the first two days of walking, a water-filled blister forming shortly after. Every step felt like a tiny needle was driving into her foot, but she gritted her teeth against the pain and waited for it to break. She’d have to say something to Lynn once the water filled her sock, but she’d keep her mouth shut until then.

Lynn had been quiet too; lips still, eyes always moving. It reminded Lucy of the way she’d been when they first met. The tense way she now held herself, the calculated steps, all echoed the girl who had been constantly watching for anyone who would make her their prey.

When Lucy woke at sunup on the third day, Lynn was already awake. She sat hunched by her pack, the map Stebbs had given her overflowing across her legs, her long hair dragging across the farthest edges when the wind toyed with it.

“What’re you thinking?” Lucy asked, propping herself up on her elbows.

“I was just wondering when you were going to tell me your foot was in such a shape,” Lynn said, without looking up.

“Didn’t want to bother you,” Lucy answered, pulling her naked foot back under the blanket. “It’s not a big deal.”

“It will be if it gets infected. I don’t like the idea of cutting your foot off and then having to haul your ass to the West Coast.”