Ilona Andrews - Magic Binds

My father had done that to her. Like he told me, he’d given her serenity of purpose. And she was serene. The only time she became agitated was when I tried to send her away. My father was the closest thing to a god she knew. When your god orders you to kill and accepts full responsibility for it, it frees you from guilt, shame, and doubt.

This had to stop. My father had to be stopped.

“Adora, what do you want to do?”

“I want to serve you.”

“And if I said you couldn’t, what would you do?”

“I would kill myself.”

No doubt in her big brown eyes. Nothing except complete devotion.

“You wouldn’t go back to my father?”

“I would be killed. I wouldn’t be useful any longer. But if I had no choice, I would return to Sharrum.”

I had to walk her back to civilization if it was the last thing I did.

“Why don’t you like me, Sharrim?” she asked in a small voice. “I’m not the highest rated, but I’ve trained the hardest. I’m diligent.”

“I don’t dislike you, Adora. I don’t want to use you because people shouldn’t be used. People should follow their own paths in life.”

“But I want to serve you. That’s the only way I can get into heaven.”

When we stood over Jene’s body, Ascanio had said that Deputy Holland’s identity was wrapped up in being in law enforcement. But Holland didn’t grow up being a law enforcement officer. He likely had friends outside the sheriff’s office, family members, people he went to high school with. A whole net of people to catch him if he stumbled. Adora had no one. She grew up as sahanu. That was the only thing she knew. She’d lost her family and devoted her whole life to being the best assassin she could be because my father assured her she would get to heaven.

I would have to shatter that belief. I would have to explain to her that everything she had done, all the training she worked so hard on, all the lives she took were in the name of a lie. It would be like taking a lifelong devout Christian and showing them irrefutable proof that God didn’t exist. Her whole world would collapse. I spared her life and now I would have to dismantle everything she’d held as truth for the last seventeen years. It wasn’t just cruel. It would be devastating. It would crush her. It would’ve been kinder to kill her.

I looked at her and my insides churned. I hadn’t spared her because I was impressed with her skills or because I thought she was worth saving. I hadn’t saved her because I saw myself in her. I’d saved her because I wanted to send a big loud “Fuck You” to my father. Him sending her into my territory offended me. It made me angry in a way I hadn’t been angry for a very long time.

Deep down, if I listened to the voice inside me, I wanted to march into his castle, crush him, and take every scrap of land he owned. It wouldn’t be enough to win. I wanted to humiliate him and take his land. To hoard it like a dragon.

What the hell was happening to me?

“Are you well, Kate?” Adora asked.

I was a piece of shit. She was a person, an actual real human being, and I had decided to play God with her life. When I had a chance to turn her into a slave, I stopped because I recognized that Curran wouldn’t like it. I should’ve stopped because it was the wrong thing to do. Because I didn’t make slaves.

“Kate?”

How could I have gone so far? How do I fix this? If I went any further down this road, Adora would be the first of many.

“Kate? Are you sick?”

No. I had to find whatever it was that made me me and hold on to it. And I owed it to Adora to tell her the complete truth as gently as I could. I would need help. I would have to go very slowly. Baby steps.

“Adora, what is it you like to do? When you’re not working for my father, I mean. When you have free time.”

“I don’t know,” she said.

“What is your favorite food?”

“Candy.”

Okay. Candy I could do. “I’m going to travel for a couple of days. I’d like you to stay here and recuperate, so the doctors can continue to treat your wounds. My Herald will come and check on you. Let her know if you need anything. However, if you don’t want to stay here and want to leave, you don’t need my permission. You are not a prisoner. If my father’s agents contact you, you don’t have to go back with them, but you can if you want to. It’s your choice. Okay?”

“Okay.”

I’d almost made it to the door when she called, “Kate?”

“Yes?”

“You will come back for me?”

“Yes.” If I don’t die.

“And then I will be useful, yes?”

“Yes.” I would go straight to hell. When I died, a hole would open under my feet and I would shoot right down there.

I walked to the waiting area and stopped by the cashier. “I’d like to pay for the next week.”

She gave me a number. I pulled out my wallet, took out a check—I’d learned to always keep a couple in there, folded in half—and wrote it out. I added fifty bucks to the check and pointed to the little gift shop and bakery behind me. “Also, I would like a small bag of each kind of candy you have brought to her.”

“If her doctor says it’s okay.”

“Let her have the candy.” Knowing how thorough my father was with his tools, Adora would likely heal fast.

I’m about to destroy your world, here is some candy. Ugh.

Teddy Jo stood up and we walked outside. “Who is she?”

“Were you listening in?”

“It’s only a few feet down the hallway and I have sharp hearing.”

“She’s what happens when my father wants a weapon who never questions him. She also might be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.” I climbed into the swing.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” he said.

It was bad. Sooner or later I would have to explain it to Curran, too. We didn’t keep secrets from each other. We talked. Given a chance, I would explain what Adora was and convince him she wasn’t a slave. Curran loved me more than anyone I’d ever known. He would hear me out. That wasn’t what stopped me. If I let him see Adora, he would ask me why I didn’t kill her. I couldn’t lie to him. I would have to tell him everything, about my father, about wanting to take his land, about watching Adora bleed and puzzling over sealing her into service as if she were an object to be owned.

I didn’t want him to know how far into the dark I went. It scared me when I thought about it.

I did it. I owned it. Like it or not, I would have to deal with it after I came back from Mishmar. If I came back.

“I’ll need to stop by a smithy,” I murmured, and realized I’d said it out loud. “Sorry, was talking to myself.”

“They have medicine for that.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

“You’re welcome. Why do you need to stop by a smithy?”

“To buy powdered iron.”

I SAT ON the back porch outside, waiting for Teddy Jo. The sky was black and deep. A spray of glittering stars shone from above. The night breathed.

I’d stopped by the Guild and talked to Curran. He’d put a team together for Saiman’s rescue. The Pack shared what they had learned scouting and Curran did manage to find a merc with the ability to communicate long distance. They called her a mouse witch and I found her sitting in Barabas’s office, with two bats hanging off her clothes, a squirrel on her shoulder, and a tiny owl in her hands. Tonight the owl and the bats would fly to the castle and attempt to find Saiman. If they did, she would be able to talk to him though them.

I told Curran about my meeting with Chernobog. He told me about Christopher. The moment the magic wave ended, his wings disappeared and he stopped struggling. They pulled him out of the ground. He picked up Maggie and went back to his house. Barabas tried to talk to him, but Christopher curled up in his hammock, hugged his dog, and refused to communicate. Barabas stayed home to watch over him.