Richelle Mead: Succubus Shadows

Though my heart sang at finally being with him again, I was still battered with a million doubts. He’d told me to push them aside, but it was hard. Maddie. His underlying pessimism. His desire for escape. His family. My own selfishness.

But when we finished dinner, all such worries fled. As soon as we were back in his room—a wide and spacious suite that looked out to the now-dark water—we were all over each other. The longing that had built up between us exploded. His hands undid the zipper of my dress, peeling it from my body. We fell onto the bed, and I tore at his shorts, reason and responsibility nonexistent. His hands ran the length of my body, down the sides of my hips while his mouth moved from my collarbone to the spot between my breasts and then finally onto one of the breasts and its hardened nipple.

I was prying off his pants when I felt the glow of life energy start to creep into me. For a few moments, I was able to ignore its implications. I just wanted him. I wanted to feel what I’d felt months ago when his body had been in mine and I’d had that sense of perfect union. The life energy was an aphrodisiac, enhancing the desire my physical body felt.

Maybe it was a kneejerk reaction from the days of dating, but once more, I was the one who had to stop it all. I put some distance between us, though we were still intertwined.

“Okay,” I said, my heart pounding in my chest. “We’re about to cross the line.”

There was lust in Seth’s eyes. Lust and love and that same burning need I had to reach ultimate completion. “We crossed it a little, didn’t we?” he asked breathlessly. “I felt it.”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “Not much.” Not much is too much.

He frowned a little, his hand still running over my leg. So, so dangerous. A little more and we would teeter over the edge again.

“I’ve felt it before,” he said. “When you started to take some of me. Just a vague sense, but it was there. Somehow…somehow, it didn’t seem quite as bad this time.”

He was right, and that was because of that slight darkening on his soul. Sure, he was nowhere near as bad as a lot of Hell-bound people, but even that slight mark made a difference. I could feel it. Before, he’d been pristine and pure, all sparking silver and undiluted life. Most of it was still there…save that slight shadow, a shadow that I suspected was increasing the more he decided to turn his back on the people in his life. And the darker a soul was, the less of it I took.

“You’re right.” I didn’t bother getting into the technicalities. “But it’d still be bad.”

“Too bad to risk just one time?”

An old argument. “What happened to you giving me up?”

“I will if I have to. I was ready to. But that was before you came here…you still haven’t told me why, what you want. I’d do it again. I’d be together again, but no more physical boundaries.” He cut off my protests. “I know, I know the risks. And I know—as should you—that what’s between us is about more than sex. But that was still a thorn, no matter how much we knew it shouldn’t be. I don’t want anything like that happening again. I’ll take the risk. It’s my choice.”

“I—I don’t know. I just don’t…”

“Well, that’s better than ‘I can’t.’” He chuckled. He moved closer, his lips just brushing mine. “And if you decide no, then that’s how it’ll be. But maybe…maybe just this once we could…maybe just once you could give in….”

I closed my eyes as his lips pressed against mine once more, harder this time, and our bodies moved back together. Again, he was right. I could almost give in this time. I’d been through too much recently, so much emotional and spiritual upheaval. Being with him felt like the most natural thing in the world right now…but my warning alarms were still going off. If I shortened his life with a dark soul, he’d be that much closer to Hell.

“No,” I said at last. It was growing more difficult to keep pulling back. “I still can’t. Not yet. I’m not saying never…I just. I’m so confused. I’m sorry.”

He looked disappointed, but to my relief, he didn’t push the issue again. I might not have been able to resist if he did. “But you’ll stay? You’ll stay the night with me at least?”

I nodded. “I can stay for three days.”

“Three days. That’s perfect. I can handle that. Three more days to think about it all. If we can stay together…then we will. If we can’t, then I’ll be alone until there’s another Georgina.” His wry tone indicated his doubts about that. “For now, this is enough.”

We lounged in each other’s arms naked after that, miraculously managing to keep things from escalating. Of course, it was a skill we’d perfected while dating, so we fell into it naturally—though also reluctantly. We stayed up talking for a long time, as though we hadn’t seen each other for years and had a lifetime to catch up on. Which really wasn’t that far from the truth.

At last, he slept, but I was restless. I watched his peaceful breathing in the darkness, his sleep heavy from the drinks. His skin was warm against mine, and I felt safer than I had in a while.

Three days. We’d have these three days, and for a little longer, I could pretend he was mine again, just like he used to be. If I chose, I could even make this permanent. I’d told him I’d think about it. The one problem with it all was that things weren’t like they used to be. The dream replayed in my head, the dream that might have been a lie. Seth had been the man in the dream, the one I could have been with if what the Oneroi had showed me was true. But was this Seth lying in my arms the man in the dream? The one I’d dreamed of had been infinitely kind and good—the one I’d fallen in love with. The real Seth had changed—gradually, yes…but the change was there.

It was wrong of me to judge, seeing as part of the change over the last year had been a result of me in his life. Yet, once more, that selfish part inside me thought he should have resisted. I’d fallen for Seth because of his moral character, something that always attracted me to a man. Ironic and possibly hypocritical for a servant of Hell. I still loved Seth, still felt that connection, but things were off now. This bitterness, this attitude that made him want to lock himself away in easy, selfish retreat was not what I’d expected of him. I’d expected more.

I didn’t want to lose him. I wanted these last few days with him. I wanted forever with him, but if I stayed, I’d be furthering this attitude I hated. I’d encourage the darkness to build within him. I didn’t want to see it. And as much as I loved him and yearned to cling to a few more moments with him, I realized staying with this Seth who disappointed me so much was a bad idea. Seth had said he’d rather be alone than be with the wrong woman. I’d rather be apart from him than see him like this. I wanted my memories of him to stay pure.

And so, though it broke my heart, I untangled myself from him. In his heavy sleep, he didn’t stir. Again, the hypocrisy wasn’t lost on me. I’d tried so many times to coax him into one drink, and now I looked down on him for using cocktails as a way to dull the pain. How stupid, I thought, that his darkened soul made it easier for us to finally be together…and yet, for my heart, it made it impossible.

I shape-shifted into jeans and a light tank top and found some hotel stationery. On it, I scrawled:

Seth,

I’m sorry—but I have to leave. I told you I’d consider everything, but I was wrong. I love you too much to stay.

Cryptic much? A meager way to express all those feelings, but somehow, I suspected he’d understand. He knew me. I left it on the bedside table and then watched him for a few moments, admiring the man I loved and always would. Finally, my eyes wet, I turned away and left the room to catch a taxi to the airport.