Carrie Vaughn: Kitty's House of Horrors

These potpourri shows were great for when I didn’t have anything else planned. Just let people call in with all the problems that have been brewing over the last few weeks. Great—in theory. But it meant I couldn’t complain about what calls I did get.

I had so much going on in my personal life right now I had a hard time focusing on the call. Cormac’s parole hearing was scheduled at the same time I was supposed to be in Montana taping what SuperByte Entertainment was now calling Supernatural Insider. I wouldn’t be here to give him or Ben moral support. That pissed me off. But I was also so darned excited over the prospect of Cormac getting out of prison. Apparently, he’d been a good boy, and that shaved enough time off that now, with almost half of his four-year sentence completed, he was eligible for parole, and Ben said it was all but a done deal. Cormac had friends and family in the area, a place to live, and a plan to look for a job. By all appearances he was completely reformed and repentant. At least, he’d convinced the prison psychologist of it. And what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall during those sessions…

So in as little as a month from now, he could be out. A free man. I was excited—and more than a little anxious.

I didn’t know what to think about Cormac anymore. The first time I met him, he’d tried to kill me, but I talked him out of it. The next time I met him, we traded information, because we were both after the same bad guy. The third time, we’d almost fallen into bed together. We didn’t, because he had a thing against werewolves. After that—we were friends. We acted like it, mostly. We’d come to each other’s rescue often enough.

I met Cormac before I met Ben. Cormac referred me to Ben—his cousin—when I needed a lawyer. Then Cormac brought Ben to me right after Ben had been bitten and infected with lycanthropy. I took care of Ben, and Ben and I—well, we bonded, and Cormac was left out in the cold. Then he came to our rescue, shot and killed a very bad person on our behalf—and was convicted of manslaughter for it. And each of us thought it was our own fault. We had a bumper crop of guilt between us. Not to mention the sparks still lingering between me and Cormac, though I’d gone and gotten married to his cousin and best friend in the meantime. And in the middle of all that I had this sensationalist TV show to deal with.

I needed a radio advice show I could call in to.

Audra was still talking. “… and I know she listens to your show, too, and I just want you to tell her that she’s so full of it.”

I leaned in and turned on my snotty voice. “And why should I tell her that?”

“Because she’s totally deluding herself. She’s not fooling anyone.”

“Maybe she isn’t trying to fool anyone. Maybe she really honestly feels this way, and if it helps her feel better about herself, and she isn’t hurting anything, who are we to argue? As her friend you ought to be a little more supportive, don’t you think? She’s not actually hurting anyone, is she?”

“Well, no. But it’s just so stupid!”

“I think you’re being a little judgmental.”

“But you’re a real werewolf—why are you standing up for her?”

“Because I think, based on what you’ve told me, that she’s right and you’re wrong.”

Audra made an offended grunt. “That’s so not fair!”

Lots of people called in to the show. Lots of people claimed to be fans. Yet they always seemed surprised when I gave them the same smackdown I gave ninety percent of my callers.

“Let me ask you a question, Audra. Why are you so threatened by this? Why does it bother you so much that she calls herself a werewolf when she physically isn’t one?”

“Because she’s wrong. And she’s just such a snob about it. Like she’s all better than me because she’s a werewolf when what she really is is crazy. ”

I straightened. “Why does this girl even hang out with you when you’re so mean to her?”

“I’m not mean to her! I’m trying to get her to wake up to reality!”

“To which you’ve applied a narrow definition.”

“And she can’t face up to the fact that I’m a vampire.”

“Huh?”

“The only reason she keeps going on about being a werewolf is because I’m a vampire, and she’s jealous.”

I blinked, my brow furrowed in confusion. My lack of a poker face was another reason I was better off on radio than TV. Which was something else that was going to make Supernatural Insider interesting.

“Wait a minute,” I said. “You’re a vampire? Really?” ’Cause right then I would have laid money that she wasn’t.

“Well…” she said. “I have the soul of a vampire.”

I didn’t know what it was that made people bare their souls and tell me the truth when I had no way of knowing whether they were vampires, lycanthropes, or the Queen of Sheba. Maybe it was that radio was simultaneously so personal and anonymous. They could speak, I could hear them, hear the tears in their voices. But they could stay alone, no one had to see them crying, and as soon as they hung up the phone the confession might never have happened. But I was happy for the confessions, because they made for great entertainment.

“Audra, Audra, Audra,” I said. “You know some people believe that vampires don’t even have souls?”

“But I do, I understand, I have the innate sense of style and superiority! I feel the music of the night!”

Oh no. One of those. “Audra, do you collect dried red roses in your bedroom? In fact, your whole bedroom is done up in black and red, isn’t it? You dress in black and wear a lot of eye makeup? And you listen to a lot of Sarah Brightman?”

“Yes,” she said, tentative.

“Okay. Here’s what I think. I think you’re a bit of a whiner.”

“But you’re not being fair! You’re not even listening to me!”

Well… “I’d like you to try something. I want you to count to ten and exhale slowly. It’s a calming exercise. It works for me every time. Can you try it now? Deep breath, and one, two, three—”

“But I am calm!”

“Just keep up that counting, Audra, and I bet if you tell your friend that you’ll stop making fun of her if she stops making fun of you, you guys’ll get along just great.” Gratefully, I hit the cutoff. “Next call, what have you got?”

“Hi, Kitty. Thanks for taking my call. I want to talk about bounty hunters. Those guys who go out hunting supernatural monsters.”

This night was definitely not going my way. I didn’t want to talk about bounty hunters, but who was I to deny my audience? I knew I wasn’t going to like where this went. I sighed. “What about them?”

“You’ve met a lot of these bounty hunters, right? Why don’t we hear more about them in the news and stuff? I’d have thought they’d want publicity, that they’d want to get some credit for the work they do.”

Looking back on it, I was kind of shocked at how many supernatural bounty hunters I had met. Not by intention, of course. Self-preservation dictated I stay as far away from professional assassins as possible.

“If they started working in public,” I said, “then they’d have to be held accountable for what they do. Right now, when they’re underground, they don’t have to put on a good face for anyone. And when the people they’re hunting are also underground, so that no one misses them when they disappear, there’s no accountability, no due process, and sometimes no justice.”

Except in rare cases, like Cormac’s, when he’d been justified in making the kill—and had been convicted for it anyway. The no-win situation. I wasn’t going to bring that up if I could help it, which was part of why this topic was making me nervous. It was hitting too close to home. Never mind having to talk to listeners who clearly wanted people like me dead. Weren’t they supposed to be fans?