Charlaine Harris: Death's Excellent Vacation

He tried to kick me away, but I wasn’t nearly so interested in inflicting damage as I was in getting away. The door was still open, and I went for it. Unfortunately the vampire did, too, and I discovered that vampires move awfully fast. He slammed the door before I was even halfway there. I skittered to a stop, then turned to run as he reached for me.

The ensuing chase would have been ludicrous if it hadn’t been—Hell, it was just ludicrous. I couldn’t stop long enough to Change into something more useful in a fight, and he couldn’t catch me unless I slowed down. Finally I dove back into the cage, right back where I’d started from.

“Stalemate,” he said, as I scooted back into my shirt and Changed back to human. Of course, I ended up with one arm sticking out of the shirt collar, but eventually I got myself covered, though there was no way I could wriggle back into my bra.

“This is ridiculous,” I said. “What’s your problem with werewolves anyway?”

“I’ve got no interest in werewolves as long as you stop trying to ruin my park. I’d always heard your kind were ill-educated thugs, but I never expected a pack to make a move on me.”

“For one, I’m neither a thug nor ill-educated. I’m a marketing exec, and I graduated from Harvard. Cum laude. For another, I’m not in a pack.”

“A lone wolf?” he said, raising one eyebrow. “How trite.”

“And lastly, I don’t give a shit about your park. The place is falling apart anyway.”

“Because of you!” he snapped. “I caught you red-handed behind the Kraken, which you were undoubtedly about to sabotage.”

“I was there because I saw somebody sneaking around.”

“Oh, that’s original.”

“And since I’ve only been in town a week, I couldn’t have caused any of the problems you must have been having all summer, given the lovely condition of this place. I’m surprised the board of health hasn’t shut you down.” I saw something almost guilty in his expression. “You used that look-deeply-into-my-eyes thing on the inspector, didn’t you?”

“I’d do a lot more than that to keep my park open. If you don’t start telling me what I want to know, I’ll show you just how much.”

“Your park? I thought you were just the figurehead.” A thought occurred to me. “Oh my God! How long have you been Pirate Dave?”

He actually managed to bow sarcastically. “I am the original Pirate Dave.”

“Have you been feeding off Sea Queens all these years?”

He shrugged. “None of them suffered from it. In fact, they quite enjoyed it.”

“Ew.”

“And how many humans have you murdered as a ravening beast?”

“The only human I’ve ever bitten was you. Scratch that, since you’re not human. Which reminds me. Could I have a glass of water to wash the taste away? Old meat is just rank.”

His face reddened, and I thought I might have gone too far, but suddenly a jaunty sea chanty echoed through the room. Pirate Dave reached into his pocket and pulled out a cell phone.

“What is it? . . . How? I was just there! . . . Was anybody injured? . . . I’ll be right there!”

He hung up as angrily as it was possible to hang up a cell phone and shoved the phone back into his pocket.

I said, “Whatever it was that just happened, obviously I couldn’t have had anything to do with it.”

“All part of your plan, no doubt,” he said. “You kept me occupied while your littermates committed further acts of vandalism.”

“Right, I tricked you into knocking me unconscious. Just admit that I’m not involved, and let me out of here.”

“I don’t think so, wolfling. I’ll be back to deal with you later. Feel free to take any form you like to leave your cage—you still won’t be able to get out of this room.” In a breathtaking burst of speed, he was gone and through the door, and a second later, I heard the lock turn.

“What an idiot!” I said to the empty room. I waited five minutes to make sure he was really gone before Changing to a teacup poodle to get out of the cage. Next I went human so I could reach through the bars of the cage to get my clothes. Once I was dressed, I rummaged around in the tools on the workbench, found a power screwdriver—and an extension cord—and took the hinges off the door. Then I picked up my purse and left.

I saw plenty of park employees on my way through the building, which was apparently the park’s administrative headquarters, but not one said a word. I wondered how many other Sea Queens they’d seen making discreet exits after private visits with Pirate Dave. I’d been prepared to Change and make a dash for freedom if need be, but as it was, I just strolled back to the park’s public areas and out to the parking lot. The fireworks started as I got into my car, and I hoped Pirate Dave was going to go to bed hungry.

I considered getting in touch with somebody in one of the packs when I got back to my cabin, just to check out Pirate Dave’s powers and the whole vampire/werewolf dynamic, but then I saw the messages shoved under my door. Two more fruit baskets and a balloon bouquet were waiting for me at the front desk. I decided that was enough pack attention for one night. As long as I stayed away from Adventure Cove for the next couple of days, I shouldn’t have to worry about Pirate Dave again.

I might have been able to stick with it, too, had it not been for three things. One, when I read the local newspaper over breakfast the next day, I learned that two children had been hurt in the breakdown of the Kraken the night before. Though neither injury had been serious, one was bad enough to keep a little girl out of a softball tournament she’d been practicing for all year. There was also an article about the park’s recent troubles, complete with speculation about the number of people who’d be out of work should the park shut down.

Two, there were more pack offerings waiting for me when I went by the front desk to get the deliveries from the previous night: fruit, cookies, and a spa basket.

Three, and possibly the reason that would have convinced me all by itself, I’d spent all night having extremely vivid dreams about a red-haired pirate.

That’s why I was the first person in line when Pirate Dave’s Adventure Cove opened, and I spent the day looking—and sniffing—for signs of sabotage. I wasn’t exactly subtle, but nobody noticed. The news about the park’s problems had spread, so there were even fewer guests than there had been the day before, and the employees were clearly demoralized by impending unemployment. I paid particular attention to the area around the Kraken but got nothing.

I’m not sure exactly what I expected to find. Pirate Dave had been sure the threat was supernatural, and unfortunately my experience with the supernatural world was next to nil. At least I could be fairly sure that the saboteur wasn’t another werewolf—I knew what we smelled like.

The park was so empty that I wasn’t sure if they’d bother with the evening parade, but when night fell, I was at Shiver-Me-Timbers, waiting for the Brazen Mermaid to arrive. As soon as the float stopped, I joined the scant half dozen candidates for Sea Queen.

Pirate Dave’s reaction upon seeing me was priceless. His face flushed, and he glared at me as he gave his usual invitation in a harsh tone that scared off two teenage girls. When it came time to throw the doubloon, he didn’t even pretend to fling it to anybody but me. I walked past the same flunky as before to climb the rope ladder and wasn’t a bit surprised when Dave grabbed me before I was halfway up and yanked me the rest of the way.

“All hail Sea Queen Joyce!” he thundered, and motioned for the float to start moving.

“Miss me?” I asked as we waved mechanically to the pitiful excuse for a crowd.