M.L.N. Hanover: Vicious Grace

I imagined there was a moment when the boy had stopped and the man begun, but that was probably wrong. More likely, it was a series of things. Small steps that added up to something terrible. Maybe he’d been tempted by something. Wealth, since he’d clearly managed that part pretty well. Or love. Or power.

Or maybe he’d had to do terrible things that he’d believed were right until they didn’t seem terrible anymore. Maybe he’d compromised himself until being the lesser evil seemed like being second place. I could imagine that happening.

“HM,” KIM said. Even her little, nonverbal interjections were clipped and controlled. She looked at the papers with all the passion of someone reading a phone bill. If I hadn’t known better, I wouldn’t have guessed that she was holding the key to a new life.

“You don’t have to do this,” Aubrey said for what must have been the hundredth time. He still didn’t look good. The Oath of the Abyss showed in his face and the way he moved. He was less connected to his body than he’d once been. It would be easier for him to get sick, even harder to recover. He’d die younger, from something he’d have been able to fight off, except for me and Eric. I wondered, if it had gone another way, if I’d have kept him with me, even knowing that he’d hurt himself if it meant protecting me. If I would have let him.

The condo was, if anything, more stripped down than when we’d arrived. Lake Michigan floated outside, the water stretching to an obscure horizon until it turned into sky. I liked it better during the daytime. At night, the lake was too dark.

“It’s nothing,” I said. “And by nothing, I mean it’s not one percent of what I’m working with. Or a millionth of what Eric owes you guys.”

“And yet enough to live on for the rest of our lives,” Kim said. She put the papers back down on the table and stroked her chin like she might have started growing a beard.

“Or to fund your own study,” I said. “Something real. You know. Basic.”

Kim’s smile was so small and so brief, it was easy to think it hadn’t been there.

“Alepski and Namkung are going to wet themselves,” she said.

“But you’re rebuilding the Invisible College’s make-it-shut-up spell first, right?” I said. “So that anyone else who goes looking for the rider won’t find it.”

“That’s first priority,” Kim said. “But if I’ve got my own funding, there’s no reason I can’t do a little work of my own on the side.”

I smiled. We were almost done. Aubrey looked at me, and I raised an eyebrow. It was almost fun to watch him not know what to do. He’d been so sure of himself for so long. A week ago, I’d thought that losing him would be the worst thing ever. Now that the time had finally come, it wasn’t. I was sad. I was going to miss his constant company. I wished things had gone differently.

I had bigger problems.

“I told Harlan that you two would both be taking care of the condo,” I said. “He’s still pretty much sloppy happy to do anything we want. He knows you’re legit. If you want it repainted or anything, he’s probably good for it.”

“I’m not sure I can live in your house,” Kim said. “Taking money from Eric’s estate is one thing. I deserve that. Being kept by my ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend is too strange.”

“Until you find someplace better, then,” I said with a shrug. “Or you stay at your place, and Aubrey can stay here. Or whatever. Up to you. I’m not using the place. You can stay here or not. Whatever you want.”

“But if you come back here—” Kim said.

“I won’t.”

THE TRICKY thing about innocence is you don’t know you’ve got it until you’ve lost it. You think that you’re worldly and experienced and maybe a little jaded, but you’re not. You find out something about the world or about yourself, and it changes everything. Puts everything up for grabs again.

I had a year as the luckiest girl in the world. From my twenty-third birthday to just after my twenty-fourth, I was the heir to the magic kingdom. Sure, there were monsters in it. Sure, it was dangerous. But it came with a ready-built set of friends and allies, and my wise old uncle before me had left bread crumbs for me to follow, right? I just had to figure out what he’d have wanted me to do, follow directions, and everything would work out right. Looking back on it, the idea seemed frail and naive and I wanted it back. I really wanted it back.

Eric fell from grace with the world, and along with everything else, he’d left me the chance to do the same thing. I could follow his path and become the person he’d been. I’d wanted to, until I saw where the path ended. I felt older. I felt hurt and lessened and more frightened. And more alone. I’d lost my faith in my uncle, and losing faith in God had been easier. If God wasn’t what I’d thought, then He was just a story people told themselves to get through the night. If Eric wasn’t what I thought, then anything was possible.

Eric wasn’t what I thought. Anything was possible.

I’d spent what seemed like a lifetime living the question What would Eric do? That was gone, and all that was left were What am I going to do? and What will it cost me? I left something in the darkness under Grace. Part of my innocence. Part of my soul. Which word I chose didn’t really matter. It was gone, and I would never get it back.

And even that wasn’t my biggest problem.

GOING BACK to London felt strange. It didn’t seem like going home so much as going back to a friend’s place. There wasn’t the sense of exploration, of discovering something new. I’d been in these rooms before, slept in this bed, woken up to the same neighbor with a kink for bhangra music. The weather was gray and cool. The leaves had already changed color. Living with just Ex was strange too. I kept expecting him to be Aubrey or Chogyi Jake. But he drank coffee instead of green tea, and none of his stories were about exotic wasp larvae. It wasn’t unfamiliar, just strangely small.

We were sitting on the couch watching TV. The rain pattered against the back windows. A British police car with its two-tones siren passed by like something out of a BBC murder mystery. I wondered what Helen Mirren was doing these days. And between one breath and the next, I knew I was going to tell him.

“I shouldn’t have won,” I said.

Ex looked over at me. He frowned. He always frowned.

“The fight with the haugsvarmr . I shouldn’t have won.”

“The guilt’s hard. I know that, but—”

“Ex. The circle broke. I didn’t have you three to help me. Even with Aubrey pulling the Oath of the Abyss. I shouldn’t have been able to win.”

“The wards that Eric put on you—”

“You mean the ones we can’t find? The ones we haven’t reinforced in the last year and who knows how long before that? Those wards?”

Ex crossed his arms.

“Those wards,” he said.

“Spells are magic,” I said. “And magic fades. You told me that. Magic fades, and I’m getting stronger .”

“All right,” Ex said.

There should have been a flash of lightning, a crack of thunder. The rain just kept dripping. The TV show went to commercial. I felt Ex’s gaze on me like I was a puzzle he couldn’t quite fathom. I took a deep breath, sighing it out slowly. When I spoke, my voice sounded weirdly calm and matter-of-fact. You know. All things considered.

“I think I have a rider.”